Oedipus Ikari
by SerialRavist
Summary: Some opportunities are best left unexplored: Shinji and Rei done to the tune of Oedipus the King.
1. Chapter 1: Accidental Words

_Author's Note: I looked around for more Oedipus Rex-themed Eva fics but could not find any, so I wrote one. If there are others out there, I offer an apologetic nod to their authors, and any similarities (besides the obvious) between those stories and this one are completely unintentional._

_To be safe, I'm going to rate this M, primarily for the (hopefully) sheer creepiness of the Oedipus story, but also for language and some violence. There might be sex scenes but this is not a lemon._

_I'm also posting the first three chapters at once, just to get things going. So much of the content in the beginning will be borrowed from the series, I felt I should do this just to get some original stuff out._

_**Disclaimer:** Of course I don't own Evangelion or any of its characters. I'm doing this for kicks and will happily stop if asked.  
_

* * *

_Upraise, O chief of men, upraise our State!  
Look to thy laurels! for thy zeal of yore  
Our country's savior thou art justly hailed:  
O never may we thus record thy reign.  
"He raised us up only to cast us down"  
Uplift us, build our city on a rock.  
Thy happy star ascendant brought us luck,  
O let it not decline! If thou wouldst rule  
This land, as now thou reignest, better sure  
To rule a peopled than a desert realm.  
Nor battlements nor galleys aught avail,  
If men to man and guards to guard them tail._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter One: Accidental Words

The door closed with a soft click, leaving the apartment in a silence broken only by the ever-present noise of construction, machine tools and shouting men, muted through the walls. Late afternoon sunlight filtered through sheer curtains, leaving warm bars of fitful amber slanting through countless floating motes of dust. Stifling air swirled sluggishly, agitated by the disturbance of recent movement.

Rei stared at the door through which Ikari and Suzuhara had just departed, then shifted her gaze to the floor, a much cleaner surface than it had been mere hours before. _He cleaned_, she mused. _Why did he do that? It did not bring him any benefit, or assist him in reaching any goal_. Furthermore, he'd _apologized _for it, as though he'd expected her to be upset.

Turning, she stepped to her unmade bed and flopped down upon it, lying on her stomach. _He cleaned, and I thanked him._ The words had just... slipped out. Not that they had been dishonest, by any means, just unexpected. _Words of gratitude. I've never said them, even to the Commander. Why?_

Twisting to her side, she regarded the cracked glasses gathering dust in their place on her dresser. They were a token, a treasured reminder of the Commander's care for her... but Pilot Ikari had done the same thing, later, likewise burning his hands in the process, and now had cleaned the floor up for no apparent reason. _A memento from the Commander, but there are no glasses from Pilot Ikari. Why not? He must have nothing to give._ If he had, it would have been on the dresser as well.

With a frown she rolled back to her stomach. _Was he just trying to get me to smile again? He could have simply asked; I'd have done it. _Only a jackhammer's staccato report answered her wondering.

Shaking her head, she stifled a sigh. The Commander had told her that much in life was irrelevant, things to be ignored or discarded, but it wasn't true of everything. Some things held value; the glowing bonds between individuals mattered, concern or... she did not know the name for it, but it was important.

Rei let her eyes slide shut and waited. Waited for the sun to finish its cycle and start a new one, waited for all the battles and noise and empty time to float past into memory. Waited for the day she would die.

* * *

"Eva pilots are weird. You know that, don't you?" 

Shinji smiled at the sidewalk beneath his feet as he and Touji strolled through Tokyo-3. "Ayanami's not that weird," he protested mildly. _She's just... quiet. Sheltered._

Touji barked a laugh, thrusting hands into his pants pockets. "I was talking about you, man, not her. Seriously, cleaning a girl's room when she's not even there? Weird. Though Ayanami's a few meters short of a full field too, now that you mention it."

Shaking his head, Shinji concealed another smile. Low sunlight snuck between nearby buildings to assault his eyes, and he squinted against the golden aura to the west. "I was just trying to be nice," he explained, speaking loudly to be heard over the fading construction noise. "You should try it sometime."

The other fellow grunted dismissively. "Eh. Be nice too often and people think you're a softie."

_People think that about me anyway_, sighed Shinji. _They're right._

"Course," continued Touji sagely, staring off into the distance, "some girls are into the nice thing, I suppose. Ayanami might be one of those. You saw her blushing, didn't you? Never thought I'd see the day."

Shinji swallowed. He had noticed, of course -- what else was there to look at in Ayanami's apartment besides Ayanami herself? -- but had been at a loss for words. Like his friend, Rei blushing was not something he'd expected to see. _It was cute. Made her seem more... I don't know. Approachable._

When he did not answer, Touji spared him a sidelong glance but kept walking. "Could be that she likes you, eh?" His voice was blunt, almost absent, lacking any hint of teasing; he was just speaking his mind, as always.

"I... don't know," managed Shinji. "She might have just been embarrassed." He paused, trying to think of a way to deflect the question. "What if you'd cleaned too? She would have reacted the same, probably. Doesn't mean she likes us both."

"You got a point," conceded Touji. "Who knows?" He fell silent briefly; as they walked, the mechanical racket behind them continued to fade into the distance. "What are you doing tonight? Wanna hit the arcade?"

Shinji grimaced at the ground. "I... can't," he sighed. "I still have homework from the last time I missed school for training."

"Training," mused the Osaka kid. "What kind of training do they even give you for piloting Eva? Doesn't seem like running laps or lifting weights would help."

"There are tests," he explained tiredly. "Always tests. Drills sometimes, too, reflexes and target practice. I don't... I'm not supposed to talk about it, really." That had always bothered him, the barrier between himself and his friends, imposed by NERV and its obsession with secrecy. By his father, ultimately. _Eva is the worst part of my life, but I can't even talk about it with them. I can only talk about stupid things, girls and video games._

"Doesn't sound too bad," shrugged Touji. "You gotta lighten up, man."

_What is there to lighten up about?_ wondered Shinji darkly. He chose not to answer, and together they walked through Tokyo-3's sparse streets, each one perfectly straight wherever the ground allowed, a silent reminder of the planning behind it all, the industry, the power. NERV, again.

Eventually he slowed, adjusting the backpack straps on his shoulders. "My place is this way, Touji. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Seeya tomorrow, Shin-man. Remember to lighten up."

* * *

"Suzuhara." 

As she approached, the boy turned slightly, glancing behind him. The expression of curiosity on his face quickly fell to its usual blankness. "Oh, it's you, Ayanami," he greeted, turning back around to stare at the trees beyond the school grounds; leaves danced in a breeze that failed to reach the school. "If you are looking for Shinji, he isn't here."

Rei slowed and stopped, uncertain how to proceed. _Obviously Ikari is not here,_ she agreed silently, staring at his back.

"You know about me," continued Suzuhara conversationally, still not looking at her. "Sohryu seems to know about it too."

"Yes." She was still curious how the Second Child had learned.

"Shinji is the only one who doesn't know," concluded the new pilot, his voice lightly touched with some emotion she could not identify. After a moment he spared her another brief glance. "It seems strange that you'd care about others."

She blinked. "Really?" _Care?_ "I... I don't understand."

The Fourth Child's lips curved in a faint smile. "You are worried about Shinji."

_Worried about Ikari,_ she frowned. _Is that what it is? _Cold hollow fingers tickled her heart when she thought of Ikari and Suzuhara. The Third Child did not enjoy piloting; would he be pleased that one of his friends would now be doing so as well? "Perhaps you are right," she murmured. _Worry_.

"Yep," agreed Suzuhara pleasantly. "Kinda surprised no one's told him yet. I suppose I could, but..." He trailed off. "Not yet," he sighed. "I don't wanna make a big deal of it and then go to the test and find that I can't really do it or something." He chuckled.

_That will not happen_. The boy would not have been chosen as a pilot if he were not suitable material.

When Suzuhara merely continued staring off into the trees, Rei turned and left, winding her way through the school alone. It was lunch, and the other students were everywhere, it seemed, clustered in the hallways or near doors, eating in the lunchroom, kissing in secluded corners. Rei ignored them all. In truth, she disliked the school; it was a noisy, chaotic, unpredictable place full of people she didn't know, and as such it made her uncomfortable.

In moments she reached the door to the highest roof level and pushed through it, glancing around for the person she sought and easily finding him. Ikari was over by the edge of the roof, eating with Kensuke Aida some twenty meters away.

For a moment she studied her fellow pilot. _He doesn't know,_ she reminded herself. _Someone needs to tell him. He would want to know, I think_. The now-familiar sensation -- worry -- arose again in her middle, tingling. Nodding to herself, she made her way to where the boys sat.

Despite the whisper of her shoes on the roof surface, they failed to notice her approach until her shadow lay between them. Aida glanced up first, holding a hand up to block the sun; Ikari quickly did likewise, noticing his companion's reaction.

For a moment they said nothing, perhaps surprised to see her there. Rei avoided the urge to shift her feet; she hated it when people did that, when they expected her to know what to say or do. There were... rules of etiquette... apparently completely arbitrary ones, that other people had made up, and which she did not know. So, like most of the other students, and like other things she did not understand and which were not necessary, she ignored them.

"Ayanami," greeted Aida eventually, his manner bland and nonchalant. "Have you come to eat with us? There's no shortage of room."

"I... need to speak with Pilot Ikari," she explained.

The two boys exchanged unreadable glances; Ikari swallowed. After a moment he nodded, standing and patting dust from his uniform pants. Blue eyes regarded her uncertainly, not quite meeting her gaze.

Turning her back on him, she walked a short distance away, far enough so that the prying Aida would be out of an earshot. A faint breeze stole away some of the heat, ruffling her hair and skirt as she faced her fellow pilot once again and tried to order her thoughts. _Should I just tell him straightforwardly? Which way would be least unpleasant for him?_

Ikari stood there mutely, staring at her and blinking. Shortly he shifted, clearly uncomfortable.

"Have you--?" Rei caught herself as a new question surfaced: was he allowed to know? The Commander had not forbidden her to tell him about Suzuhara, but had also not made any effort to ensure that his son knew anything. Perhaps the Third Child was not intended to know about the Fourth yet? _I don't know._

"Ayanami?" Confusion colored his voice.

"Why did you clean my apartment?" As the words came out, she blinked; she hadn't even thought of the matter for an hour or two. _So why did I ask?_

Ikari sagged slightly, perhaps in relief, though at what, she could not say. A weak smile grew on his face. "It was dirty," he explained.

Rei frowned. "Many places are dirty." Some parts of Tokyo-3 were extremely dirty.

His lips thinned at this and he shifted again. "Well, you... I mean, that's true, but I can't help most places. I just... a girl shouldn't live in... live like that."

_What does my gender matter?_ she wondered, watching him fidget. "Why?"

He blinked, jerking his head up to make eye contact with her. "What do you mean?" he asked, confused again. "It's not sanitary, for one thing."

"NERV has excellent medical staff," she pointed out reasonably. "If I fall ill, I will be treated. If I die, I will be replaced."

Ikari's face scrunched up. "If you... don't you care, though?" he asked helplessly. "Doesn't it depress you to live in a dirty place?"

_Why would it?_ As long as her apartment served to fulfill the basic need of shelter, it mattered little how clean or cluttered it might be. Still, his words triggered... something. Heat, somewhere, like she'd felt immediately after the incident in the first place. "There was no reason to clean."

His features went blank at this. "I... I thought you were glad I'd helped," he answered quietly. "I'm sorry." His eyes dropped to the rooftop once more. "It's just... if it were me, having a clean place would make me happy. I just wanted... anyway, you shouldn't talk like that about dying." He finished with a sigh.

_There it goes again._ Warmth, sparkling for all of a heartbeat inside. _This is... it's like worry,_ she observed,_ but... opposite?_ "Ikari?"

He grunted an acknowledgement, idly scratching the back of his head.

"Do you worry about people?"

He laughed, a sound lacking amusement. "I worry too much, or so people tell me." When she didn't respond, he chanced a glance at her, then sighed again. "I always worry," he explained, almost whispering. "I don't like it when people get hurt, and there is always danger around to hurt them."

_Hurt. Worry is the fear of another's potential hurt_. She nodded; this confirmed what she had expected. "That is why you pilot," she recalled. _He worries because... because he cares about people. Worry is care, disguised._

Ikari nodded as well. "I think so."

Motion caught her attention to one side, a flock of dark birds erupting from a tree and taking flight. Her eyes slid in that direction to follow their skyward ascent. _Do they worry? A silly question._

Turning, she made her way back to the door to the school. It felt odd, having talked so much with someone who was not the Commander, but Pilot Ikari was... unthreatening, and had answered her questions with apparent sincerity. _I must see if he can be told about the Fourth Child. He would want to know._


	2. Chapter 2: Heaven's Wrath

_Wretch, may he pine in utter wretchedness!  
And for myself, if with my privity  
He gain admittance to my hearth, I pray  
The curse I laid on others fall on me.  
See that ye give effect to all my hest,  
For my sake and the god's and for our land,  
A desert blasted by the wrath of heaven._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Two: Heaven's Wrath

"Commander?"

"What is it, Rei?"

"May I tell Pilot Ikari the identity of the Fourth Child?"

"No. He will find out when he needs to."

"...I--"

"Is there a problem?"

"No, Commander."

"Good. Are you not hungry? You should finish your udon."

"Yes."

* * *

"An explosion at Matsushiro!" shouted Aoba. 

Kouzou Fuyutsuki stood beside the Commander, hands clasped behind his back as a scrambling chaos ensued in the command center. Amber telltales flashed on displays everywhere, while countless crimson warnings flared across the main screen. _Great_, he sighed. "Send a rescue team," he instructed. "Take care of everything before the JSSDF arrives."

"Roger!" acknowledged Hyuuga, eyes never leaving his screen. More noise and shouting followed as the techs relayed orders to the ground teams.

"Uknown object moving at the site," reported Aoba moments later.

"Pattern is orange," added Hyuuga. "Cannot confirm as an Angel."

"First-class combat alert." Gendo's voice was calm, unworried.

_This was an insane gamble_, decided Kouzou, not for the first time. His eyes slid towards the seated form of his one-time student. _We suspected this was coming, but he was still willing to risk the Matsushiro facility and our senior command staff there, not to mention a pilot and an entire Evangelion. All in the hopes of luring out the Thirteenth Angel. Insane. There had to have been a better way. _He had not been able to think of one, however, and when he'd brought the attention to Gendo's attention, the younger man had not even bothered to reply.

Far above, on the ground, stood Units 00 through 02, scrambled and deployed. The tactical network carried the pilots' tinny voices to the command center as they made nervous chatter, Shinji worrying about Major Katsuragi, Asuka bickering with him, Rei's levelheaded rejoinders. Kouzou shook his head minutely in agreement with Asuka's words. _Nothing to do yet. We must wait._

"We've got visuals!" shouted Aoba. One of the scout helicopters must have found the target. "On the main screen." He tapped a button, and the view on the screen changed to an airborne shot of a mountain road... where the dark shape of an Evangelion walked zombie-like towards Tokyo-3.

A collective murmur rose from the techs in the command center. Kouzou shook his head again. "Just as we thought," he muttered.

"Transmit the terminal signal," ordered Gendo curtly. "Force ejection of the entry plug."

"Impossible," answered an agitated Ibuki. "It's not accepting either signal."

If this surprised Gendo, he revealed no sign of it. "The pilot?"

"We... have respiration and pulse," reported Hyuuga uncomfortably.

The Commander fell silent briefly. "As of now," he decided, "Unit-03 is abandoned. Target is redesignated as the Thirteenth Angel."

"Sir?" wondered Hyuuga.

"Advance the front in Nobeyama as planned," ordered Gendo. "Destroy the target."

Hyuuga swallowed another reply and relayed the orders. More shouting drifted over the net.

Kouzou leaned slightly towards the Commander. "You must handle this one carefully, Gendo."

The other man's only response was a sour grunt.

Grimacing, Kouzou kept his eyes on the screen. _That was... a bad choice of words,_ he realized; Gendo was careful with everything, even down to brushing his teeth, but what this situation required was delicacy, something not to be found anywhere in the man's soul. _We've already screwed this one up enough, old friend. No more unnecessary risks here, but don't let the pilots blow up in your face either._

Beside him, Gendo stared at the screen over steepled fingers, features inscrutable.

* * *

"The target is approaching!" Lieutenant Aoba's voice carried well over the net. 

"All units, stand by for ground battle!" instructed Hyuuga.

Rei clutched her pallet rifle, waiting patiently in her assigned position. _Is this the day?_ she wondered absently, staring around the bend, where the target was due to appear. LCL surrounded her with all the gentle warmth of a tank of blood. Outside, heat-waves rose from the pavement, rippling the view of distant objects.

Soon a figure emerged in the video feed in her Eva, a shape she recognized. _An Evangelion?_

"What?" gasped Ikari from Unit-01. "No way. You mean that thing's an Angel?"

"Yes," came the Commander's cold voice over the network. "That is the target."

"The target?" repeated Ikari in disbelief. "It's an Eva."

"Can't believe it," muttered Sohryu. "Taken over by an Angel!"

"Is it...?" Ikari hesitated. "Is there a kid in there? A kid our own age?"

Rei felt her features tighten._ He still doesn't know. Someone should have told him._

"Don't you know?" wondered Sohryu shrilly. "Unit-03's pilot..." Her transmission fell into a sudden garbled static as the Angel turned its silent gaze on her; the feed went dead.

"Asuka?" prompted Ikari nervously.

While he still spoke, the Angel leapt skyward, landing with a thundrous crash on Unit-02's head. The red mecha convulsed; Sohryu's screams pierced the tactical network.

"Asuka!" shouted Ikari.

Rei frowned; he was farther around the mountain, in a position where he could not yet see the battle or the enemy Eva. To his credit, however, he remained where he was stationed. _What he said was true_, she reflected. _He worries for everyone._

"Rei," came the Commander's voice. "Avoid close combat and stop the target. I'll send Unit-01 soon."

"Roger." Rei backed off, away from the Angel's path as it resumed its walk towards Tokyo-3, and the thing proceeded to ignore her. _Today will not be the day_, she decided; she and Ikari together should be able to stop the Angel. _Good. I did not want to die fighting Suzuhara's Eva._

Satisfied, she raised the rifle, not waiting for the targeting electronics to resolve; at this range she could hit it without their aid. A detail caught her attention, however, and she spent a moment examining the Angel more closely. Unit-00's video feed to her increased magnification accordingly, confirming what she thought she'd seen. _An entry plug._ "He's still inside," she whispered to no one in particular, surprised.

In her moment of hesitation, the Angel stopped as though sensing her gaze, then once again leapt into the air, flipping gracefully and tackling her Eva. Convulsing limbs squeezed off a few useless rounds from the pallet rifle, but the target brushed the weapon away, a mere annoyance.

Gritting her teeth, grunting against the effort, she struggled with the Angel. Even compared to Unit-00's titanic strength, Unit-03's grip felt like an iron vise, squeezing her arm. Metal flexed under its claws; blinding pain lanced through her body and Rei clutched the injured limb helplessly. _I have to stop it_, she reminded herself, attempting to grapple with the enemy, futilely. A faint buzzing grew in the arm, an alarming numbness.

A red telltale popped up on her screen, giving her an instant's warning before planted charges exploded, blowing Unit-00's arm completely off. Rei dropped to her knees, feeling tears drift into the surrounding LCL as stars danced in her vision. Words, barely registered moments before, echoed in her mind. _Cut off the left arm, now_. The Commander. He had done that.

_Why?_ she wondered foggily. _Why didn't... _Darkness washed in, drowning all thought.

* * *

Shinji was shaking. His hands wouldn't move quite the way he wanted or expected, and his eyes felt like they were as wide as they'd get. Breath came as shallow panting, drawing the warm LCL slitheringly down his throat and expelling it again. 

_Touji. I did that to him._ The image of his friend, broken and unconscious, maybe dead, would not leave his mind. Neither would the guilt, a stone so heavy it threatened to crush him. _My Eva did that to Touji, by Father's command._

"...okay, Shinji?" Misato was still talking to him, bruised and bloodied herself, arm in a sling. Her girlish voice sounded unusually gentle over the network. "The dummy plug has been deactivated, and the techs are going to give you enough power to get you back into the cages. It's easier than us carrying Unit-01 down there again."

_Power_, he echoed silently, too numb to respond. His heart pounded, a jackhammer in his chest. _They're powering me up again._

"So we'll get you down there and out of the Eva," she continued. "Then, after you clean up, we can go home and talk about it all, right? Touji's okay; he's alive, they say, and he's... he'll get better soon. I can see that you're upset, and I'd think it's totally normal, so I'll ask the Commander if you can get a day or two to..."

_Touji will be better soon?_ he wondered, tuning his guardian out. _Bullshit. I saw him there. Saw my hands crushing him._ Why had the Eva done that? The entry plug had not been a threat to it. Then again, why had it hesitated? Did the dummy plug have a mind, to make it indecisive like that? _I... I hate fighting in this thing. I want to get out._

A tingling throughout his nerves spoke to the Eva's power supply getting reconnected. He stood motionless, staring blankly at the NERV structure while Misato continued to try to comfort him. Outside, the sun was still shining, an incongruously cheerful sight. The sun had been shining at Nobeyama as well, shining on red water, glittering in twenty-meter pools of blood on the pavement.

Eventually Misato fell silent, perhaps discouraged by his lack of response. Or perhaps she'd just run out of words. He could hardly make himself care.

As he waited for the power supply to charge, a screen appeared inside the Eva, a screen with his father's face. "Pilot Ikari," began the Commander coldly, his glasses impenetrable ovals of light. "Once you have finished warm-down procedures you will present yourself in my office. I have words for you." The image winked out.

"Father," whispered Shinji, eyes sliding without focus to where the visual had been. "You did that."

Nobody answered him. The faint hiss of static informed him the tactical net was still active._ He can hear me._

"Father." His arms hurt, he realized; glancing down in the red-tinted LCL, he watched his shaking intensify. F_ather did that to me. To Touji. He almost killed Touji, used me like a puppet._ "Father, I..." Despite the liquid surrounding him, his lips felt dry. "Father... you'll pay for that," he whispered.

The silence on the network took on a subtly different character. "Shinji?" asked Makoto's voice uncertainly.

"You heard me!" he shouted, surprised by the intensity in his own voice. "Father, you tried to kill Touji! You'll pay!" The tingling in his nerves stopped; they'd cut his power, then. _No matter. I have plenty now. Enough for this._

"But Shinji," answered Makoto, "if we hadn't done that, it would have killed you!"

He bared his teeth. "I don't care!"

"But it's true," countered the lieutenant.

_Bullshit. Asuka and Rei are still alive._ "Don't make me even angrier," he warned, checking the countdown timer in the entry plug. "Unit-01 has 185 seconds remaining. That's enough to destroy half of headquarters!"

"Shinji, listen to us," urged Maya's voice. "Without the Commander's decision, everyone could have died!"

"I don't care!" he repeated. "My father was going to kill Touji with my hands!" No one answered him right away; doubtless they were trying all the override functions he'd disabled. Fists curling, he stepped towards the NERV structure. "Father, are you there? I know you can hear me! Say something!"

More silence. Whatever was happening in the command center, they no longer wanted him to hear it.

"Father! I still have a direct..." _Pressure. Pain_. He clutched his head, feeling as though the entry plug were trying to crush him. "Damn it," he rasped. "Damn it!" Quickly the sparkling in his vision flashed to a crimson oblivion.

* * *

Rei opened her eyes to find herself under a white ceiling, a soft sight intended to be comforting. _The hospital_, she recognized. _I've been here before_. Somewhere nearby, a rhythmic beeping reported the steady rhythm of her pulse, confirming her guess. 

A few meters away, a middle-aged man in a labcoat glanced up from a handheld display and smiled at her. "Ah, you're awake, Miss Ayanami," he observed. "I'm Doctor Watanabe. How do you feel?"

She regarded the man briefly, recalling him from an earlier visit, then shifted her gaze to her left arm. The limb tingled constantly, as though she'd just struck her elbow wrong, but her fingers curled and straightened with no loss of movement. The sheets of the hospital were smooth and cool under her palm.

When she did not reply, the doctor cleared his throat. "There was no physical damage," he explained, "only some complications from the sympathetic limb loss. We've resolved them, but the arm will tingle for a day or so. Do you feel dizzy at all, or nauseous?"

"No."

Doctor Watanabe smiled again. "Good; I thought not. We'll keep you here for another twelve to twenty-four hours for observation, but you'll be fine. You should try to get some more sleep."

Rei nodded, settling back into the bed once more. Closing her eyes, she let herself drift into a warm slumber.

When she awoke again later, the ceiling remained white as ever, but there was an artificial quality to its hue, as though it strained against darkness somewhere nearby. _It's night, then,_ she realized, eyeing the curtains pulled shut over the windows to her side. _How long have I slept?_ The room lacked a clock, but she'd been out long enough for the medical staff to remove some of the equipment; the pulse monitor no longer beeped with every heartbeat.

Smoothing a frown, she sat up, examining herself. They'd clothed her in a pale hospital gown, though she spotted her folded clothes on a nearby chair. Her arm still tingled but the sensation seemed to have weakened somewhat._ I no longer need to be here_, she decided.

Swinging legs over the edge of the bed, she slipped to the floor; cool white tiles greeted her bare feet. She would not have been surprised to find herself weak or shaking as she stepped to the chair, but such was not the case; she felt steady as always. _That makes sense. The doctor said I was not damaged._

Pulling the gown off, she set about donning her school uniform. Whoever had brought had also seen fit to include her NERV identification card, she noted with satisfaction. Once dressed, she glanced about the room, but nothing of importance remained in it. With a nod, she pulled open the door and made her way into the hall.

White halls and floors floated past as she followed the arrows on the exit signs. The familiar sterile hospital scent remained constant despite her movement.

Shortly she came across a desk where a nurse sat, keying something in to a computer; a faint bluish glow shifted on the woman's face from time to time as she worked, but she quickly noticed Rei and blinked. "Miss Ayanami?"

Rei hesitated. She'd planned simply to leave and go to NERV, but a question surfaced in her mind, something the nurse might have clearance to know. "Is Shinji Ikari here?"

The woman's expression shifted to something unreadable. "He is," she acknowledged. "Why? Did you want to see him?"

She considered. "Is he awake?"

"I'm afraid not." The nurse, A. Sato, by the picture id hanging from her neck, frowned; the expression seemed... wary somehow.

Rei wondered about the woman's manner, but questioning it would not have been appropriate. "Then I will see him later."

Sato nodded, her posture relaxing somewhat. "Do you need transportation? Commander Ikari was here earlier, checking on your status, but he did not stay."

_The Commander was here?_ It was not unusual for him to come, but this time something about his behavior seemed... inconsistent. Whatever it was, she could not identify it. "I will walk," she answered, turning to go. She could feel the nurse's eyes on her back until she rounded a corner to the elevator bay.

Perhaps a half hour later, she reached the NERV facility, where her card assured her entry. The descent to the GeoFront transpired in silence.

When she arrived at the command center, it was sparsely populated. Lieutenant Aoba proved to be the only technician present; he lounged back in his chair, flipping through a music magazine while idly keeping track of some process executing on his display. Doctor Akagi stood nearby, nursing a cup of coffee as she perused some report.

As she entered, the doctor's head turned slightly in acknowledgement. "Rei," she greeted without turning around. "I thought you might come here."

The doors whispered shut behind her, and Rei stepped forward into the room. "I have not yet been debriefed on the last battle."

Doctor Akagi made a thoughtful noise, finally turning around to study Rei from behind her reading glasses. "There's little enough to learn, and most of that we've already gotten from Asuka. How did it feel when the Angel was encroaching on Unit-00's arm?"

Rei tilted her head. "Encroaching?" _That would explain things._

"Yes," confirmed the doctor mildly. "The Angel was attempting to gain control of your Eva as it had done to Unit-03."

"It felt... it... buzzed," answered Rei uncertainly. "I didn't think about it much."

Doctor Akagi pursed her lips, waiting for more, but then bent and made some notes on a laptop. "I see." A short distance away, Hyuuga chuckled at something in his magazine.

Rei paused, ordering the questions she needed to ask. "Doctor Akagi, what happened to Pilot Ikari?" She'd asked the nurse of his whereabouts only because the Third Child so often seemed to suffer injuries in the Angel battles.

The older woman straightened, a twisted smile on her face. "Ah," she mumured, sipping again from her coffee mug. "That was something to see. I suppose you missed much of it." She fell silent momentarily in apparent thought. "When Shinji realized there was still a pilot in Unit-03, he refused to fight, even at the cost of his own life, so we switched control of Unit-01 to the dummy plug, which defeated the Angel. It also crushed Suzuhara's entry plug, injuring him badly in the process. Shinji was so distraught after this that he threatened to destroy as much of this facility as he could, but we... subdued him." The doctor chuckled. "He's due to be released from the hospital tomorrow, and we'll be moving him straight to confinement."

Rei felt her eyes widen at this._ Ikari did that? Why? All because of the Fourth Child?_ That his concern for others might motivate him to do something so rash and desperate seemed... she could not think of a word to describe it. Incomprehensible, perhaps. Also, somewhat endearing, as silly as it seemed; it brought to mind the selflessness he'd displayed in cleaning her room, originally. "Is... how is Suzuhara?"

"Short a leg," shrugged the doctor, "but fine, otherwise." Her eyes slid towards the report she'd been reading earlier. "There's no need for you to stay here at three in the morning, Rei. Don't forget; you have school tomorrow." Her musical voice carried a note of amusement.

"Yes." Turning, Rei left the command center and NERV in general, walking back to her apartment by Tokyo-3's night streets, streets that never got dark no matter the hour. During the twenty-minute walk, only four vehicles passed her, two of which bore the NERV logo.

Back at her apartment, she slipped out of her shoes and lay on her bed, not tired at all after sleeping for the better part of a day and a half. Instead she simply waited. Waiting was something she knew, something comfortable.

Though she'd not planned to attend school, she was still awake when morning arrived, so with a mental shrug she rose, gathered her things and left. School contained no surprises, full as it was of knowledge she would have no use in learning even if she hadn't already known it. Pilot Sohryu seemed uncharacteristically subdued throughout the day, though it was to Ikari's empty desk that Rei found her eyes drawn.

_Confinement_, she mused, as the teacher droned on. _He challenged the Commander. His caring has become a weakness for NERV._ Though she could find no fault with the decision to imprison him, it still struck her as somehow wrong._ He will not enjoy it._

When the bell rang to signify the schoolday's end, Rei made her way back to NERV for a few brief checkups, then headed directly to the hospital. If Pilot Ikari was still there, she could perhaps see him; if he was in confinement, there would be no chance. The hospital staff made no attempt to stop her, even directing her towards his room, but when she reached it, Pilot Sohryu was somehow already present, leaning against the wall a short distance down the hallway. Rei regarded the other girl for a moment, then tried Ikari's door, but it was locked. Even her NERV card would not open it.

Frowning, she wandered back to the bench next to Sohryu and sat on it. _More waiting._

Long moments later, Sohryu stirred, shaking her head. "Idiot's gone and messed it all up," she sighed. "I suppose he won't make it, after this."

Rei compressed her lips. _That is perhaps true_. "How is he?"

The other pilot grunted. "He hasn't been injured, so they're supposed to let him out soon. Here we're all worried for him, but the idiot's probably just taking his ease, dreaming."

"Dreaming?" Rei spared her companion a sideways glance.

"Yeah." Sohryu's red eyebrows climbed. "Don't you dream?"

Uncertain, she shifted her attention back to the wall. Neither the Commander or Doctor Akagi had ever mentioned dreams.

After a moment Sohryu shook her head. "Why did you come here?"

"I... don't know," admitted Rei. _Why?_ "I wanted to explain about the Fourth Child. I should have told him sooner."

"Yeah," chuckled the Second Child. "You, me, and everyone. It was a pretty stupid way for him to find out. Commander Dickhead should have told him or something."

Rei frowned at this characterization of the Commander but said nothing. A soft female voice spoke distantly over the public announcement system, summoning some Doctor Kuroda to emergency surgery. At the end of the hallway, a pair of nurses stood chatting, and one giggled.

Eventually she glanced at Sohryu again. "Is that why you are here also?"

Blue eyes narrowed dangerously. "What do you care?"

Rei met the other girl's gaze for a moment before staring off towards Ikari's door again. _She dislikes to talk about him except to complain about him. I should not have asked._

As the silence stretched, Sohryu sighed again. "What he did was totally stupid," she explained, "but it actually took some balls. I figure after I smack him, I should congratulate him."

_Balls,_ wondered Rei silently. _That means courage? Ikari is not a coward. Risking one's life to avoid hurting another is not the same as fleeing._

"Anyway, whatever," muttered the German, idly cracking her knuckles. "Not like you care anyway."

_No, I do_, corrected Rei. It was getting easier to think of others' welfare, or at least Ikari's._ He worries about me; I should worry about him.  
_

* * *

At an empty train station, Shinji stood with his few belongings packed. For the first time in memory, he felt at peace. 

_I stood up to him_, he marveled, as a warm breeze tugged at his uniform. _Not once, but twice. The second time, I didn't even yell. I can leave with a clear conscience. No more hurting my friends. No more letting them use me. Letting him use me._

Abruptly he chuckled. _I'm only happy when I fight with my father. How messed up is that? People are supposed to get along with their parents._ Somewhere in the distance, a cicada's buzz arose, a call welcoming the heat.

_Who will I miss?_ he wondered idly. _Not Asuka. I might still see Misato, if she ever has time; that would be nice. She meant well, at least._ He frowned, adjusting the backpack straps on his shoulders. _I wish I could have seen Ayanami once more, though. Just... to explain things._ It was strange, he reflected; Misato was disappointed, he knew, but was putting on a face to pretend otherwise, and Asuka was just being herself, but he wanted Ayanami's approval, or at least her understanding. _I got her to smile. I don't want her to think ill of me._

After a moment he shook his head. There was nothing he could do about it now in any case.

A sudden alarm blared into the silence. _What the...? _Glancing up, he saw the sign for his train's destination blink from "Shin-Atsugi" to "Emergency Route." _Oh, shit._

"As of now," called loudspeakers all over the city, echoing faintly, "a special state of emergency has been declared over the Tokai region. Residents are advised to evacuate to the designated shelter areas as soon as possible. To repeat, a special state of emergency has been..."

"An Angel," he whispered, twisting around to study the cityscape, but of course he could see nothing from the train station. _Asuka and Ayanami can... they can take it_, he assured himself. _The last one wasn't that hard, when we got right down to it. Once Father..._ A knot of anger arose in his belly, and he forced himself to breathe deeply, to unclench his fist. _No. I'm done now. They'll be fine._

As he stood chewing his lips, the train approached, whispering to a halt on his platform. _I may as well go to the shelter_, he sighed. _Not like trains will be going anywhere else for a while_. Shaking his head, he stepped into the empty vehicle and waited for it to carry him away.

The ride to the shelter proceeded quickly; the train was one serving only NERV, and as such made no other stops before dumping him off at the nearest shelter. Grimacing, he hurried onto the platform and down the steps to where a trickle of other Tokyo-3 residents were running for the shelter entrance.

Before he reached it, however, the ground rumbled, sending him staggering. Startled, he twisted around to find the source of the disturbance, and found it in the shape of a rigid-looking Angel off in the distance, a tri-colored monstrosity overlooking a handful of glowing cross-flares about where the NERV headquarters would be. Several screams and a great deal of shouting erupted from the civilians running into the shelter.

_There it is_, he realized distantly. _The Angel. I could... no. I've decided I wouldn't pilot anymore. Asuka and Ayanami are good enough to handle it._

"Hey, kid!" shouted a man's passing voice behind him. "What are you doing? Get into the shelter!" Someone grabbed his arm, and Shinji let himself be dragged along, unable to tear his gaze from the Angel.

Once the shelter walls blocked his view of the battle, he shook free of the man who'd grabbed him, then sought out a place in the corner and curled into a ball. All around, panicked people were attempting not to be afraid; he knew that sensation well. A handful of children had started to cry.

_I hate this._ Folding arms over his knees, he let his head thump into them. _These people are terrified._

Though he wasn't paying attention to the conversation in the increasingly-crowded shelter, his ears caught some recently-arrived kid bragging that "the red one" had come out to fight. _Asuka. She'd want to be first. She'll cut this thing apart without me, and everyone will be fine._ Every now and then the floor shivered, and buzzing fluorescent lights flickered overhead, as the battle outside unfolded.

Shortly a deafening roar shook the bones in his body. Gasping in surprise, he glanced up and at the east wall, only to find it gone; a cloud of dust and debris swirled in its place, slowly settling. Shrieks and terrified crying filled the shelter, and someone started to shout for everyone to escape to one of the undamaged structures.

As the dust settled, however, the bottom dropped out of Shinji's stomach. Slowly he stood on shaking legs, staring into the enormous and motionless eyes of Unit-02's severed head lying just a few dozen meters away. _Oh, fuck. Asuka._

Again he found himself unable to move of his own accord, but eventually the flooding mass of humanity pushed him along, and he was forced to pay attention if only to avoid getting trampled. Out the crowd went, out into the hills, streaming towards the third shelter; he followed, at least until an opportunity presented itself, allowing him to break away to watch.

Shuffling to a halt, he stared at the Angel, watched it float eerily past the headless and armless form of Unit-02. _Oh my God. It shredded her, and it doesn't even look hurt._ Behind him, everyone was still shouting, people calling for him to get into the next shelter, but this time no one bothered to grab him.

"Hey, it's Shinji," greeted a male voice.

Blinking, he turned and gaped. "Kaji?" The other man stood a short distance away, watering can in his hands and a laid-back smile on his face. "What are you doing here?"

Kaji chuckled, stepping closer. "That's my line. What are _you _doing here, Shinji?"

"I..." He paused, trying to get his mouth to work right. "I won't pilot anymore. I'm done."

"Ah," murmured the older man, apparently unconcerned by the Angel. "As for me, since my... extracurricular activities have gone public, I'm no longer welcome on the combat roster. So... I'm watering here." He shrugged.

_Watering?_ wondered Shinji. _Is he nuts?_ "At a time like this?"

"It's because it's a time like this," answered Kaji with a grin. "Although it's pleasant to be between Katsuragi's breasts, I'd like to be here when I die." He gestured at the green and leafing plants all around, as though they presented all the explanation he needed.

_Katsuragi's... gaah. Wait._ "What do you mean, die?"

In response, Kaji turned and faced the distant Angel thoughtfully; the thing's face glowed briefly and another cross-shaped flare erupted into existence. "They say that when an Angel comes into contact with Adam, who's in stasis underground here, everyone will die, and it'll be Third Impact. Only Evangelions can stop it, since they're as strong as the Angels."

_Only Evangelions_, sighed Shinji angrily. _Well, Ayanami's still available, and she's been at this way longer than..._

The appearance of Unit-00, still missing an arm, without even a rifle, derailed his train of thought. Without hesitating, the blue Eva raced out of the ascent tower, towards the Angel, something tucked under its good arm.

Realization struck him like a kick in the stomach. "That's an N2 mine," he whispered, horrified. _Ayanami, what are you doing? _As Unit-00 reached the Angel, AT fields colliding, the Evangelion thrust the mine forward, slowly, as though through honey.

Brilliant white light blinded him a few seconds before the rumble struck. Hot wind buffeted him, tugging at his hair, flapping his clothes around, drying his skin like air from an oven, and debris pelted his skin at bulletlike speeds, bits of stone and tree bark, carried by the blast from who knew how far away.

Coughing, Shinji pushed himself to his feet, trying to shake away the strobing afterimages in his eyes. "Ayanami," he croaked, though all that came out was a choked gurgle. As his vision recovered, he watched helplessly as the Angel floated unharmed past the still, wilted form of Unit-00. _Ayanami. She was the last one._ Moisture burned at his eyes.

"Shinji," came Kaji's quiet voice from behind him, "I can't do anything but water here, but there is something you, and only you, can do. Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and decide what you should do now. I hope you will have no regrets."

"Kaji." His voice was hoarse in his ears. "What's the fastest way to the command center from here?"

* * *

_Well, shit_, thought Misato, staring at the form of the Angel crouching in front of the command deck, gathering its power. Kaji had arrived with Shinji some time back, but apparently they hadn't been quick enough. _Funny. I never figured it would end this way. Shows what I know._ All around, the techs were screaming, scrambling to escape, not that it would help them any when the flare came. 

Suddenly the wall exploded outward, and a hulking purplish mass crashed into the Angel, tackling it to the ground. "Unit-01," she recognized. "Shinji!" _That was damn close._ The tactical net carried his wordless shouting to her as he battled with their celestial enemy.

His screams intensified as the Angel's foil-like limbs sliced one of Unit-01's arms clean off. _Not this again,_ she sighed, but Shinji kept fighting, apparently too angry to notice or care that his Eva was missing a limb.

The two titanic forms rolled about, wrestling, until they shortly struck a wall and stopped. "Misato!" shouted Shinji, desperation thick in his voice.

She blinked, realizing where he'd put the Angel. "Number five hatch," she shouted. "Launch immediately!" One of the bridge bunnies hurried to do so, but she kept her gaze on the Eva and the Angel, watching them hurtle upwards in a rain of sparks. Part of her felt a sagging relief to see the Angel sail safely towards the GeoFront surface, but she silently reminded herself that the thing could quite possibly dispatch of Shinji anyway and return moments later. _We'll see about that._

On the surface, one of the few cameras remaining after the N2 blast focused on the two combatants flying out of the lift shaft. Misato watched them, feeling a swell of pride as it became clear the Eva was winning. _Go, Shinji. Kick that thing's ass._ Back and forth they rolled, throwing one another around, until Unit-01 was straddling the stunned Angel, delivering blow after crushing blow to its prone form.

Then it stopped in mid-punch. _Oh. Oops._

"Unit-01's at its operation limit!" reported an alarmed Maya, gazing at her laptop in horror. "The backup isn't working either."

"Shinji," whispered Misato. Indeed, the Angel took a few moments to recover, then hurled Unit-01 off of it in a contemptuous display of power. "Shinji!" Helplessly she watched as the target rose, following the Eva to where it had landed, and began to hack at Unit-01's core with great thundering stabs of those ribbon arms. _Shinji, wake up_, she pleaded silently. _Do something._

The Angel kept attacking. The Eva's core began to crack, little fissures spreading like spiderwebs across its surface. _Shinji, please._

Then something changed. Unit-01's eyes lit up in a way she hadn't seen very often. Growling almost ferally, the Eva rose and ripped off one of the Angel's arms barehanded, using the tangled remains as material for regenerating the limb Unit-01 was missing. _Holy shit._

"The..." Maya cleared her throat, then started again. "The Eva has restarted."

Misato shook her head in relief. "Great," she replied. _Go, Shinji! Wait, does that means it's gone berserk again?_

"Impossible!" breathed Maya as figures scrolled rapidly down her screen. "I can't believe it. His sync rate is over four hundred percent."

Misato raised an eyebrow at this but did not reply as the newly-reactivated Evangelion tore the Angel's second arm off and began to rip savagely into the thing.

"It means she has awakened," murmured Ritsuko pensively.

_Who has?_ wondered Misato, but before she could speak, something in the battle caught her attention, demanded it, like a train wreck. "It's... it's _eating _the Angel," she noted breathlessly. Maya gurgled, holding a hand to her mouth in an attempt not to vomit.

_Well, that's a new one, even around here_. Misato swallowed her own fear, watching the battle -- the feast -- proceed as calmly as she could.

* * *

Some twelve hours after she was released from the hospital again, Rei found herself on the catwalk in the Eva cages, staring down at the silent Unit-01, locked firmly into place with heavy restraints. She had her doubts that they were doing any good; if the thing wanted to escape, it would. _The Eva is content to be here, for now_. It was strange, thinking of the mechas as things with their own wills. 

_Unit-01 definitely has a will,_ she reflected. _Ikari's will_. He was... stuck inside, she was given to understand. Absorbed. Dissolved into LCL, somehow.

_Why do you keep doing this, Ikari?_ she wondered._ Why do you keep fighting? I know you dislike it._ The giant machine gave her no answer. _Why do you run away, and then run back? You left after your Eva crippled Suzuhara, but then you came back, even though nothing had changed. Why? Did you worry about Sohryu? About me? What happened to change your mind?_

In thoughtful silence she regarded the Evangelion. _You pleaded with the Commander to let you battle, after you had defied him earlier. Why?_

At the thought of the Commander, something unfamiliar, something cold, sparkled in her middle, touched her throat with ghostly fingers. He had hurt her in the battle with the Thirteenth Angel; she'd spoken with the Subcommander to confirm her vague memories. The Commander had ordered her Eva's arm severed without cutting the nerve connections first, had in fact spent longer explaining his order to Lieutenant Ibuki than it would have taken to do it safely, without pain. Just the memory of that feeling, the agony ripping through her shoulder, the fire burning down her arm, made her tense. Pain brought with it the fear of more pain, and with fear came distrust. It was not reasonable, she knew -- fear sprang from the body, not the intellect -- but it was there, just under the border of thought, and Rei could not change how her body felt. He'd hurt her, and he had not needed to.

_I must not fear him_, she reminded herself, still gazing at the unmoving Unit-01. _Do you fear him? It was a reasonable decision, if not ideal. But you would never do such a thing to me_. This last came from nowhere; she blinked, but suspected it was true, though she could not put the reason to words.

Something tickled her senses, a new weight in her awareness. Someone was watching her. Turning from the Evangelion, she gazed up at the command center to see the Commander staring down. Not at Unit-01. At her.

Rei met his gaze for a silent moment, then turned and started walking away. It was past time to be going home.


	3. Chapter 3: Like A Woman

_Loxias once foretold  
That I should mate with mine own mother, and shed  
With my own hands the blood of my own sire.  
Hence Corinth was for many a year to me  
A home distant; and I trove abroad,  
But missed the sweetest sight, my parents' face._

- Sophocles,_ Oedipus the King_

Chapter Three: Like A Woman

_Warm. Warm liquid. Floating clothes. Red._

_Where am I? The entry plug of Unit-01? Nobody is here._

_Images. Faces, too fast to recognize. Faces, friendly, neutral, watching._

_Watching me. Yes. People I know. People who know me._

_Water. Cool ripples, darkness; silver waves, seen from below. Underwater._

_I see. Everything from my world._

_A flicker._

_What's this?_

_More flickers. Things. Beaks, claws. Blood. Too much blood! Faces, not like human faces; leering, monstrous faces, hurting._

_Unpleasant images; I understand. Enemies. Enemies! Enemies! Our enemies, Angels, with heavenly names. Eva's target; NERV's target. Misato's father's revenge. Why am I fighting? I hate it._

_A voice. Asuka, scolding. There's no reason, only the need to fight, not to think._

_What do you mean, there's no reason? I shouldn't think about it? I know this thing. Enemy! Enemy! Everyone's an enemy!_

_More faces. Different faces._

_Nobody... nobody will think ill of me if I fight, if I fight to protect myself, protect everyone. Enemies! More enemies!_

_Silence. Father. Father, staring down, a cold face._

_My enemy! Damn it! You are my enemy! You crippled Touji; you killed Mother! The progressive knife, a feather in my hands, screaming, driving it up, towards...  
_

* * *

Dripping LCL, Asuka stepped down from the test plug, gritting her teeth. The results weren't back yet, of course, but her scores would almost certainly be down. Losing ground wasn't something she was used to. _It won't last,_ she reminded herself angrily. _I'm better than this._

Idly grabbing one of the disposable towels NERV kept around for this exact purpose, she ran the thing over her face and hair, soaking up most of the foul liquid; at least now it wouldn't run into her eyes, her mouth. _I hate that stuff. Like blood._

Grimacing, she tossed the towel into a nearby refuse bin, where it lay on top of a heap of others like it. _When was the last time someone emptied that?_ she wondered, disgusted. _That's got to be a biohazard. They're too busy worried about their precious Shinji to see to the needs of the other two pilots who aren't stuck in their Evas. Idiots._

As she stood there, Ayanami descended from her own plug and made for the showers without toweling at all, cool as you please. Asuka stared at her retreating back with narrowed eyes. _How can she be so docile about this? They're snubbing her too. She probably just doesn't care. Ritsuko could probably slap her face all day and she'd just stand there and take it._

Lips twisted, she started to follow the other pilot, but her eyes were drawn to the empty plug, the one Shinji would have been using. He'd been stuck inside the damn Eva for weeks, now, and they were still hatching plans to salvage him. Not "rescue." "Salvage." Like he was just pieces of a person they were going to sweep out of the entry plug and glue back together into a living, breathing idiot. That alone told Asuka how likely they thought success would be. _All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Shinji together again._ She snorted, shaking her head.

Quickly, though, the wry grin faded from her lips. How exactly did someone get stuck in an Evangelion anyway? She'd seen video of the entry plug; it was just empty, with only his clothes floating there. _That's... a little creepy,_ she admitted.

Before she knew it, her feet were carrying her across the industrial metal floor to the box, where she could stare down at the inert Unit-01; the Eva still stood wrapped in restraints like an upright, mechanical Gulliver among the sneaky Lilliputians. _Or is it mechanical at all?_ she wondered, frowning. _The last fight made it look like an animal. Shinji may be a show-off, but I doubt he'd choose to eat an Angel._

As the last thought struck her, she frowned. _Does that mean the Eva's keeping him in there? Or is he staying by choice? Running away by another name?_

Unbidden, her eyes drifted sideways, to where her own Unit-02 stood, still the subject of extensive repair work. _You wouldn't do that, would you? You're a good little doll. Not like Shinji's stupid Eva_. The mecha did not venture a response.

Moments slid past, and she chewed a lip thoughtfully. What would it be like in there? What was he feeling, if anything? What would it be like to be just... alone, totally alone, with only your own thoughts for company? Asuka scowled, tensing at the thought. Or would he just be in something like a simple coma? _I hope so, for your sake. Oblivion would be better than that kind of loneliness._

Abruptly she shook herself._ Whatever. I'm sure they'll get him out so he can dazzle us with his skill again._ The boy's talent wouldn't be half so infuriating if it seemed he had to work for it, or if he would just honestly gloat about it. _Idiot_.

Teeth bared, she spun and headed for the showers, hoping Ayanami was already done.

* * *

_Something comfortable. Warm. What is this? Human warmth? I've never had it._

What is loneliness?

_I've never known it, but I feel like I know it._

What is happiness?

_I've never known it, but I feel like I know it._

Are others kind to you?

_Yes._

Why?

_It's... it's because I pilot the Eva. Because I get into the Eva. It's why I can stay here, why everyone supports me._

Get into it.

_Yes. I must fight against what everyone calls our enemies._

Fight.

_Yes. I must win. I must not lose, otherwise nobody will... nobody..._

Do your best!

Hang in there!

Knock 'em dead!

_Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, Father... they all praise me. They praise me because I pilot the Eva. So... everybody likes me._

Do your best!

_I am! I am doing my best! Please be nice to me. I've been fighting so hard, and I'm so tired of it, and I'm doing the best I can. Somebody be nice to me!_

* * *

"Are we ready yet?" asked Ritsuko quietly.

Maya nodded. "MAGI report all peripherals online, and the capture buffer is ready."

Ritsuko pondered this briefly. "I want to double-check," she decided. "Run a P1 diagnostic on all the probes and compare the results against the records from last time." Maya nodded, keying the commands into her console.

Kouzou Fuyutsuki stood a few paces behind the women, letting them work in peace, for now, though he suspected things were about to get substantially less peaceful. Beyond them, in the cage, the puzzling Unit-01 stood amidst an array of sensors and test equipment. The other Evangelions remained on either side, bracketed by scaffolds, complete with hanging cords supplying power to torches and the like. All the tools had been abandoned for now; the workers had been evacuated an hour previous against the possibility of any... mishaps... regarding the salvage operation on Unit-01.

_This had better work_, he sighed, watching as Ritsuko and her subordinate pored over a screen of graphs and numbers, pointing things out to one another. Unit-01 was clearly useless without a physical Shinji in it, and though Unit-02 could likely go into combat, Unit-00 still looked vaguely like a candle in an oven, even after the armor plates had been replaced. _N2 mines will do that, I suppose._

"They're being so careful," murmured Misato next to him, rubbing her cross necklace pensively against her lips. The thought did not appear to please her.

Kouzou smiled thinly at the reinforced window. He knew what she was thinking; so much care suggested a lack of confidence in the outcome of today's operation. "Patience," he advised. "It's not as though Shinji's going anywhere."

The woman snorted at this, dropping the necklace back against her chest. "I'm not very patient," she sighed, "though for him, I am trying."

"Good." Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Rei appearing in the opening door; without expression the girl advanced to the window and began staring down at the offending Eva unit. Or at least that was what he assumed she was staring at. With Rei, one could never tell.

"Makoto," called Ritsuko, glancing up from her display. "Set up a flood loop between the MAGI to make sure there are no bandwidth issues."

"Roger," answered the bespectacled tech crisply, fingers flying over his keyboard.

Kouzou glanced idly at his timepiece, then suppressed the urge to sigh._ This had better work,_ he concluded again._ If it doesn't, we're screwed.  
_

* * *

_Misato's face, Misato's body; she's smiling. Carefree._

I am kind to you, Shinji. Well? Do you want to become one with me? Do you want to become of one mind and body? It's such a comfortable feeling. I'm ready for you, ready whenever you are.

_Asuka's face, Asuka's body; she's smiling, smiling at me. I never see her smile like that. Her eyes are... playful._

Hey, idiot Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want to become of one mind and body? It's such a comfortable feeling. I won't ask you this very often. Come on!

_Rei's face, Rei's body; she's smiling, relaxed. It breaks me. Is she actually happy? I could see that forever._

Ikari. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want to become of one mind and body? It's such a comfortable feeling. Ikari.

_They're blurring now, all three of them. Can't separate the voices, the faces, the eyes._

Do you want to become one with me?

Do you want to become of one mind and body?

It's such a comfortable feeling.

Come on, now. Be at ease.

* * *

"The ego-border pulse has been connected," reported Maya eagerly.

_Good. Finally._ Ritsuko nodded. "Roger. Begin the salvage operation."

"Roger," acknowledged Makoto without glancing away from his screen. "First signal is sent."

"The Eva has received the signal," added Shigeru.

"Second and third signals sent," announced Maya.

"Edge drift is under nominal conditions."

"No destrudo detected."

"Roger," replied Ritsuko, keeping her composure. _A lot could still go wrong._ "Move the operation to phase two."

Something beeped somewhere; Maya frowned at her screen, then grimaced. "His ego border has fallen into a fixed loop."

Ritsuko frowned over the younger woman's shoulder. "Try to irradiate the wave patterns from all directions," she suggested; Maya complied, and the results flowed down the screen, an ugly sequence of numbers she recognized. "No," she mused. "The signals are captured in Klein space." _That is unexpected._

"What does that even mean?" demanded Misato.

Ritsuko eyed the other woman. "It means we're failing," she explained simply. _A shame we don't have any clones of Shinji._

Misato blinked. "What?"

Sighing, Ritsuko turned back to the operation in progress. "Stop the interference," she instructed. "Reverse the tangent graph and set the addition value to zero."

"Yes," acknowledged Maya crisply, tapping in the commands.

Ignoring everyone else in the room, Ritsuko let herself settle into the problem at hand, welcoming the intellectual challenge. In truth, the mechanisms to retrieve Shinji from the entry plug were not altogether different from those to capture the shape of Rei's personality for the dummy plugs, but the conditions in which they were used made for a different set of obstacles. A refreshing change.

But too big of a change, perhaps. After what she assumed to be hours, Ritsuko sighed, conceding defeat. _I'm sorry, Shinji._ "Stop all operations," she commanded. "Cut the power supply."

"No!" gasped Maya. "The entry plug is venting!" Indeed, as she spoke, swells of crimson liquid spilled out of the still-inserted plug, flowing around the angular form of the Eva's back and crashing forcefully to the ground far below.

Somehow Misato had gotten down to the floor, where she knelt clutching Shinji's empty garments and weeping loudly. _Just like a mother_, noted Ritsuko, shaking her head. _Eva claims another victim. Will we ever use it again, or is it just an enormous paperweight now? I feel for the next sad fool to get into that thing._ Mouth twisted in resignation, she turned from the window.

A new note to Misato's wailing caught her attention, however. Frowning, she glanced back and blinked, seeing Shinji's naked body lying facedown on the flooring as though simply dumped from the machine.

Ritsuko stared at the boy for a moment, but then couldn't help chuckling. _We tried every trick in the book to steal a man from her, but only after we've given up does she decide to release him. Just like a woman._

Beside her, Maya and the other techs slumped with relief, while Misato called for a medical team to claim and examine Shinji. Even Fuyutsuki wore a faint smile.

In fact, she saw, the only face not smiling in the box was the First Child's. "Rei," she called. "Are you not happy?"

The plugsuited girl finally turned from the window to face Ritsuko, red eyes not quite meeting her gaze. "It is good that he is safe," she answered softly, carefully. After a moment of silence, Rei turned and walked silently from the room.

Ritsuko watched the girl as she departed, eyes narrowed. _Something is odd there_, she realized. _She's changing, somehow. Perhaps it bears worth watching._

Making a mental note for later, she put Rei out of her mind and turned back to the techs. "Don't congratulate yourselves just yet," she reminded them. "We need to check the residuals in Unit-01 and run it through the full test suite. I hope none of you were planning on sleeping anytime soon."

* * *

In the bright silence of a hospital room, Rei sat reading. The formal words lining the page did not hold her interest closely, but they did provide useful information, Eva safety recommendations Naoko Akagi had written but never finished, years ago. Though much of what the woman had suggested was now considered out-of-date, Rei found a few noteworthy changes between past and present policy, mostly regarding environmental conditions in the entry plugs. The late Dr. Akagi had been substantially more conservative than what her daughter now permitted.

_In those days,_ Rei realized, frowning at the book, _they feared Eva even more than they do now, after what happened to Ikari. Or perhaps they were merely afraid of damaging them. In any case, I do not think anyone understands the Eva, then or now._ As she continued to read, sunlight from the windows warmed her back.

Soft noise and rapid motion pulled her attention to the bed; Ikari had just sat bolt upright, a startled expression on his face as he blinked about the room. Shortly his notice alighted on Rei and he twitched in clear surprise. "Ayanami?" he wondered quietly.

Carefully marking her page, Rei folded the book shut and put it gently aside._ He looks different_, she decided uncertainly, examining her fellow pilot. _Less animated. He must still be tired._

After a moment Ikari relaxed, rubbing hands slowly over his face. "I'm alive?" he asked flatly. "I wasn't sure."

"You are alive now," she answered. "For the previous month, I do not think your status was defined."

The hands dropped from his face, and blue eyes met her gaze with a peculiar expression she could not identify. "A month," he repeated. "I was... I was in there for a month? In Eva?"

Rei nodded. "You were retrieved eighteen hours ago."

Ikari shuddered, letting himself fall back onto the bed again, head landing neatly in the depression it had left during his recovery. "Who ran the recovery operation?"

"Dr. Akagi."

He nodded faintly against the pillow, staring at the ceiling. "Was my father there?"

"No." She paused, thinking. "The subcommander was present."

Ikari's eyes slid shut. "He doesn't care," he whispered. An angry scowl formed over his features.

Rei considered this. "The Commander made your salvage a priority," she pointed out.

"Because I can pilot Unit-01," he added with an empty laugh. "Not because I'm his son."

"That is true," she agreed. _That must trouble him_. _Why?_

Ikari remained silent for long moments; his expression grew angrier, harder, before gradually fading back to its usual character. Eventually he rolled his head to the side to eye her. "Why are you here, Ayanami?"

She frowned. "I... I felt I should be," she explained. _I worried. I cared._

He blinked, then squeezed his eyes shut. "Thank you," he whispered, turning his head away.

Rei hesitated, puzzled by his reaction. Doctor Akagi's question from after the test surfaced somewhere. "Are you not happy?"

Ikari sighed, pushing himself back up to a seated position. He seemed unable to meet her gaze now. "I... am," he allowed. "Happy that you're here, at least. As for everything else..." He shrugged. "I just... I don't know. It just seems like... like no one... no one bothers to be kind to me."

_Kind_, she reflected._ He means caring. He thinks nobody cares_. "I am kind to you, Ikari," she noted.

He jerked, staring as though startled by her words. His mouth opened, then stayed that way briefly in silence before he managed to close it again. "What do you mean?" he managed finally.

"I am here," she explained. _But nobody else is. Not Major Katsuragi, not Sohryu, not the Commander. Ikari is right; he doesn't care. Should he? I... don't know._

The other pilot's lips curved momentarily, but she sensed no pleasure or amusement in the smile. "Like I said," he answered, "I'm happy for that. Kindness is more than being present, though." He shook his head tiredly. "How long have you been here?"

Rei studied his face briefly but found no insight in it. "Seven hours. Since early this morning." He gazed mutely at her, seemingly somehow paralyzed; as the silence stretched she shifted slightly in the chair. "What do you mean?"

He blinked. "What?"

"About kindness."

"Oh." Ikari dropped his gaze to his lap. "I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe you're right. I... don't know much about it, I'm afraid."

Rei waited for him to elaborate, but when he did not, she tilted her head. "Should the Commander be here?"

Ikari's face clouded. "I don't..." He paused, scowling more deeply. "You know what?" he asked quietly, glancing up at her. "I don't care. I don't want him to be here. I don't want to see him. I'm done with him."

The soft force in his voice startled her. "Why?"

"Because he's a terrible father!" he answered, eyes narrowed. "Slap me again if you want; I don't even care anymore. He's a terrible person who doesn't care about anyone. Everything he does hurts people; he hurt Touji, killed my mother. He..." Swallowing, Ikari glanced down at himself and seemed to realize he was shaking, fists clenched. With a sigh, he visibly calmed himself, but said no more, instead staring dully at the sheets covering his legs.

Rei pondered his words in silence. _Those are all true things, except... did he kill Yui Ikari? He has never spoken to me of her. He did hurt me, though._ The sensation she now assumed to be fear slithered faintly through her belly before fading. Whereas she was tempted to reprimand Ikari, and had in fact slapped him once as he claimed, now the urge was not nearly so strong.

_What if he is correct?_ she wondered nervously. The Commander, she reminded herself, had been correct to do everything he had done, but Pilot Ikari was also correct to feel as he did. _A conundrum._

"I'm sorry, Ayanami." His words were flatter than normal, and still he did not lift his head. "You didn't want to hear all that."

_Didn't I? No, I think I did._ "You clarified things for me," she admitted.

Ikari chuckled, eyes downcast, but there seemed to be genuine humor in the noise. "I'm glad."

Rei watched him, eventually shifting her gaze to the book on the table beside her. _Now what?_ Lacking a plan or anything to say, she gathered her things and stood. "Do not believe no one cares," she instructed Ikari._ The Commander may not, but I do._ Turning, she made her way for the door and pulled it open.

"Ayanami." His voice stopped her, quiet, uncertain. "Thank you for coming."

Without turning around she continued on into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind her. Something felt odd on her face, and belatedly she realized she was smiling, for only the second time in her life. _Both times for him._

Schooling her face back to smoothness, she ignored the nurses watching her and began the long walk towards her apartment.


	4. Chapter 4: Chemicals

_How oft it chances that in dreams a man  
Has wed his mother! He who least regards  
Such brainsick phantasies lives most at ease._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Four: Chemicals

Asuka lay on the apartment floor in a rectangle of late afternoon sunlight, idly reading one of the magazines she'd borrowed from Hikari. The thing offered fashion tips she didn't need, love advice she didn't want and weight-control advice she'd never even heard of, but even so it was more interesting than the alternative, which was nothing. Shinji had been gone for over a month, of course, and Misato had been away for a couple of days. _Probably with Kaji again_, she sighed, gritting teeth together. _Whatever. It's been so boring here lately._

Shaking her head, she flipped the page in the magazine and scanned the contents of the next. _What guys think is sexy,_ she chuckled. _Wait, suckers? Why would... oh_. Her legs, absently kicking the air behind her, paused briefly before resuming their motion. _Perverts_. Vaguely amused despite her anger, she scanned down the rest of the list, finding it to be of comparable interest to the first item. As she read, the television babbled on.

"_I must go, beloved. I must tell her_."

"_I can't bear to see you leave, but even less could I stand keeping such secrets. Will I see you in Kobe?_"

"_Of course, my dear. I will find you._"

Turning another page, Asuka eyed the rail-thin models there with scorn before skimming an article comparing a handful of different body lotions. _Hmm, cinnamon. That sounds like me.  
_

As she continued, sound drifted through the apartment door from outside, a chattering female voice. _Misato_, she recognized, frowning. _She brought someone home?_ Rage blossomed somewhere inside, lifting lips from her teeth. _If that's Kaji, I'm going to rip her eyes out. It's not enough just to take him from me, but she has to rub it in, too? Seriously, if that's not the rudest..._

The door slammed open, interrupting her thoughts. In the frame stood a grinning Misato, as she had expected, but the woman's companion was rather shorter and less charming than she'd assumed he would be, a face she hadn't thought to see for some time yet. _Shinji?_

"We're home," announced Misato unnecessarily, her cheerful voice grating on Asuka's nerves like sandpaper on skin. Beside her, Shinji was smiling as well, though nervously; he kept his eyes on the floor as he stepped out of his shoes and closed the door. Misato stepped around him, hanging her red beret on a hook.

"_In love with her? I knew it. What about Shanghai? Barcelona? All those times, they meant nothing to you?_"

"_They meant the world to me, Sayuri. I love you, but she completes me._"

Blinking, Asuka climbed to her feet. "They let you go so soon?" she asked of the other pilot curiously. "I thought the Eva just spat you out yesterday." Slowly she began shuffling in his direction.

"It did," he admitted, vaguely embarassed. "I wasn't hurt, though, so Ritsuko just ran a few tests on me and told me to go home."

She stopped, frowning. "You weren't hurt," she repeated flatly. Something fitful and murky swirled in the depths. "Not at all?"

"No," he shrugged, giving her a wan smile. "I'm totally fine."

Asuka felt a familiar snarl form on her face. _He's stuck in that fucking beast for a month, not even in substantial form, and he's not hurt at all? Invincible Shinji is never hurt! Invincible Shinji doesn't need anybody to help him get better!_

"_How could you, Kenzo? I trusted you, but you hurt me. You've shattered me._"

"Asuka?" Shinji's face crinkled in worry.

"You... you _idiot!_" she snarled, stalking towards him. "You deserved to be in there! If you hadn't run away _again_, none of that would have happened!" She punctuated her words with a full-armed slap.

He jerked, touching his cheek, but glared right back at her. "I didn't run away!" he protested. "I quit. You saw what my father did to Touji."

"I did see," she agreed crisply, "and you know what? It couldn't be helped. The guy was inside an Angel, you moron; what did you expect us to do? He's lucky he's even alive. You don't see me blaming him for letting his Eva fight me, do you?" Shinji blinked as though he'd never even considered this, but she didn't allow him a chance to speak. "But no, you had to run away, then watch Wondergirl and me get dismembered before you finally deigned to fight again. Do you have _any idea_ how much it hurts to have your arms cut off?"

"Of course I do!" he yelled back. "I lost one in that fight!"

_Oh. Right._ "Well, whatever. I have no pity for whatever happened to you in there."

His eyes narrowed. "I didn't ask for your pity, Asuka," he answered quietly.

She snorted. "For once."

Shinji stiffened, then turned without a word and strode for his room. She watched him go, glaring.

"_She's no good for you, you know. She'll bring you only pain._"

"_I know._"

"_Her family, too. They won't stand for this, Kenzo. They'll ruin you. They'll tear you apart._"

"_I know. My heart is my tragic weakness._"

Misato was still standing near the door, one eyebrow raised; she hadn't moved a muscle during the argument. Eventually she shook her head, lips compressed into a disapproving line. "Nice, Asuka," she sighed, heading to her own room. "Very nice."

"Very nice," mimicked Asuka under her breath, turning back to her magazine and flopping to the floor. "Jerks."

* * *

"...of course, and even after the Valentine's Day Treaty there remained sporadic fighting, but nothing on the scale of the preceding wars. It is estimated that a mere seventy million died in the skirmishes and bombings that followed, but the sweeping UN reforms taking place allowed..." 

Shinji sat slumped in his desk, staring at the screen of his laptop without seeing much of what was displayed there. His eyelids threatened to slide shut again, but desperately he bit the inside of his cheek, trusting the pain to keep him awake a few moments longer. He'd not been sleeping well after being stuck in Unit-01 for so long, and the two long nights since then had caught up with him._ Maybe I could just hold my breath until I pass out, tonight_, he chuckled ruefully. _No dreams that way, hopefully._

Abruptly a message appeared on his screen in giant red characters. _Wake up, idiot!_

_Asuka_, he sighed, rubbing palms against his eyes. Since he'd come home, she had alternated between yelling at him and ignoring him, though every now and then she acted like a normal person, like she couldn't always remember she was supposed to hate him. Opening his eyes, he spared a glance to where she sat, but she kept her gaze firmly on her own screen as though he weren't there. _So today is an ignoring day_, he concluded, relieved._ Really, she wouldn't be half as bad if I didn't have to live with her._

Resting his chin on a hand, he stared dully towards the front of the room, though before long his eyes drifted sideways, to the windows. _It's nice out,_ he noted; trees swayed whimsically, leaves fluttering to a breeze just strong enough to keep the heat at bay, or at least it had been that way in the morning. _I can see why Ayanami prefers the window to the lecture_. The view blurred and dimmed as his eyelids tried to stealth their way shut once more.

The ringing of the bell jolted him back awake, heart pounding. _Lunch_, he realized, sagging in relief. Though he was not particularly hungry, the break would be a welcome distraction, and might wake him up somewhat.

Rising on leaden legs, he packed his notebook away and pulled the backpack straps over his shoulders. Most of the other students beat him out the door; once into the hallway he dragged himself towards the stairs.

When he emerged on the roof, it was hotter than he'd anticipated, the constant wavy heat of the sun on impermeable human-made surfaces. Grimacing as sweat broke out on his forehead, he made his way to the corner where Kensuke already sat, slurping down some instant noodles he'd prepared earlier. Asuka and Hikari were there as well, their backs to him; with Touji still out and Shinji himself missing for some time, the three had apparently started eating together more often, which meant Kensuke loathed Asuka even more now than he had before.

His roommate was talking as he approached. "...can be such a bitch," she announced shrilly. "I mean, she's never around, basically just to sleep, shower, eat and change so she can go see Kaji again."

Kensuke grunted, adjusting his glasses. "She has a busy job," he shrugged, "and you guys are old enough to take care of yourselves. What's the problem? It doesn't sound like you want her around anyway, so why complain?"

"Well, I don't..." Asuka paused, turning around as she finally heard Shinji approaching. Her features cooled. "Lunch?"

He nodded, dropping his bag at his feet so he could root around inside it, shortly producing a wrapped box. He'd started making her lunches as soon as he was allowed to go home, hoping it would make her easier to live with, but he had not noticed any such effect.

Asuka grabbed the thing from his hands before he could give it to her. "You walk like a zombie, idiot," she declared, opening the lunchbox without looking at him. "Don't make me wait out here in the heat next time." Hikari and Kensuke exchanged guarded glances.

Shinji felt his hands ball into helpless fists. _Forget this,_ he decided tiredly._ I don't need to take that from her._ Saying nothing, he retrieved his backpack from the roof, turned, and left them there.

Hikari's soft voice floated after him. "That was mean, Asuka. He's trying to be nice to you."

Whatever the German said in response, he could not hear it. _Probably for the best_, he reflected as he slid around the door, back into the air-conditioned shade of the school.

_Now what?_ wondered Shinji, strolling aimlessly through the halls. _Out on the grass, maybe; it'll be cooler there. Maybe I can catch up on some of that make-up work, if it doesn't put me to sleep again._ He sighed. The teacher had gone easy on him with the homework he'd missed, but a month's worth of work, even light work, was still enough to make him want to curl into a ball and whimper._ It'll get done whenever I get to it, I suppose._

Shortly he reached another exit, one to the school grounds, and pushed through it. More students sat around outside, mostly in groups, though a lone figure under a tree caught his attention. _Ayanami_.

He stopped where he stood, frowning at her. _She was right_, he realized. _She's actually nice to me. Not like Asuka._ Shaking his head, he crossed the sun-drenched grass to the leaf-shade where she sat.

Ayanami glanced up as he approached, red eyes blinking, jaw pausing in mid-chew. Breeze ruffled her hair as she continued to stare at him.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked, unable to put much inflection into his voice. Her wordless gaze no longer made his skin crawl as it used to.

She blinked at him again, glancing at the waving grass next to her and back up again. After a moment she resumed chewing, returning her attention to the fruits and vegetables she'd brought for her own lunch.

_She didn't say no,_ noted Shinji, shrugging out of his backpack and sliding down the tree trunk beside her. "Thank you."

Ayanami swallowed. "For what?" The breeze almost smothered her soft words.

He shook his head, unwrapping his own lunch and digging into it. The spiced noodles he'd made in the morning, now at an unfortunate room temperature, settled his angry stomach slightly. Somewhere nearby, a cicada buzzed into the comfortable silence.

"Do you not usually sit with others?" asked Ayanami once he was nearly done.

Shinji felt his eyes widen as he stared off across the grass, chewing a mouthful of noodles. _She actually asked me a question_, he chuckled. _Though she has before, I suppose, when she asked about me cleaning her place._ "I do," he agreed.

"Why are you not with them now?" Though she spoke to him, her attention looked to be solely on peeling the orange in her lap.

"Asuka was there," he explained, letting his head rest against the tree trunk. "I didn't feel like an argument."

Ayanami remained silent for a moment, popping an orange slice into her mouth. Eventually she spared him a sidelong glance. "She is often unkind to you." Her voice gave no hint as to whether this upset her or not.

He shrugged. "She's just... I don't know. I just try to ignore her." Closing his eyes as the breeze picked up again, he attempted to think of a more elaborate answer. "When she makes fun of me, it's annoying, but it's not that big of a deal. She's not nearly as bad as F... as the Commander." _Why did I tell her that?_ he wondered vaguely, frowning. _She doesn't want to hear my sob stories._

Moments slid past, and Ayanami did not answer. Opening his eyes, he glanced at her, but she was simply staring at him. Perhaps noticing this, she soon returned her attention to the orange. Whatever she thought of what he'd said, her face gave no sign of it.

Sighing, he ate the last bit of noodles in the box, then folded the thing back up and tucked it into his bag. _I've said too much,_ he decided sadly. _Maybe I should just go._

"You are tired," observed Ayanami.

Shinji nodded. "I've had a hard time sleeping," he explained quietly. "Does that ever happen to you?"

She gazed back at him without expression. Distant shouts floated over the breeze, and in response she turned her attention to where a handful of kids were scrounging together a game of soccer. "Only when I've already had too much."

_Of course,_ he agreed wryly. _I don't think anything could upset her enough to make her lose sleep. She's too grounded._

"I think you are trying too hard," added Ayanami a moment later.

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I... don't know."

Shinji felt his brow furrow further. _Trying too hard? If I relaxed at all, I'd fail at everything, instead of just some things_. As he tried to think of an answer, however, the appearance of Kensuke at the school doors spared him the need; his friend spotted him immediately and hurried across the grass to where the two of them sat.

"Shinji," he panted. "You okay, man? You looked like you were going to strangle Asuka back there. Not that I would have tried to stop you."

Laughing despite himself, Shinji nodded. "I just didn't want to sit there. Sorry about that."

"Hey, no problem," dismissed the other kid with a bland wave. "Checking on you gave me an excuse to get out of the conversation about how dumb we all are anyway."

Shinji smiled, then blinked. "Wait. You hurried over here, but didn't leave until after you finished eating?"

"Yeah. So?" Kensuke eyed him, pushing glasses up on his nose. "I'm no Touji, but even I'm not going to leave a meal half-eaten to check on someone." Putting hands in his pockets, he started wandering back towards the school.

Shinji stared after him, shaking his head._ My friends are weird._

After a moment he leaned back against the tree once more. Ayanami had finished her meal, he saw, but had not yet gotten up; instead she sat with hands in her lap, watching him without expression. "What is it?"

She shifted to regard the retreating Kensuke. "Your friend is no longer with Sohryu."

He chewed a lip briefly until her meaning sunk in. "Oh. Yeah, I know," he agreed, dreading the next question.

"Why did you not return with him?"

Shinji stared at his open hands, grimacing. _This is awkward. How do I...?_ Quickly he dared a peek at the other pilot, but she was only sitting there, patiently awaiting her answer. There was no accusation in her eyes, no judgement, just a faint light he assumed to be curiosity.

For some reason he found himself unable to look away. _She'll accept my answer no matter what it is_, he realized. _It won't bother her. She's... the only person I know like that. I... I think I need that._ Someone who wouldn't hurt him, who wouldn't mock or exploit his weaknesses. _It's too bad she doesn't like to talk to people._

Abruptly recalling she was still waiting for him to reply, he swallowed, aware that he'd just been staring into her eyes, and glanced away. "It would have been rude," he explained weakly, "just to leave like that. I thought I'd stay here a bit, if that was okay."

Ayanami nodded, satisfied with his answer. "Thank you."

Shinji felt his eyes open wide; it was an effort not to slide right off the tree trunk and fall to the grass. _She thanked me_? he wondered. _Just for sitting here? Or for being polite?_ From anyone else, he would have shrugged it off, but she was too reserved for the words not to stick out in his mind.

Swallowing, he studied her sideways, out of the corners of his eyes, but she only sat there, idly cleaning sticky orange residue from her fingers with a napkin. Her cheeks held a faint shade of pink, though.

_Oh, man. There she goes again. She actually likes spending time with me._ The thought was almost incomprehensible to him, that someone could share his company and not walk away disgusted; he was still getting used to it with Kensuke and Touji. Or... probably just Kensuke now, he reflected with a sigh.

Ayanami must have sensed his scrutiny for she paused and met his gaze, crimson eyes inscrutable. The blush slowly faded from her cheeks.

He swallowed again, uncertain how to proceed with this new information, acutely aware of the sweat now lining his palms. _I have to... have to do something. Have to ask something._ "Ayanami?"

Her expression shifted slightly, but became no more readable.

"Are you... has your..." Shinji paused, clearing his throat and glancing away. "Is your place still clean, or has it gotten all dirty again?" As soon as the words left his mouth, he squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing. _Why does it always come back to that? I sound like an idiot. Asuka is right._ Whatever joy he felt at realizing she enjoyed his company was extinguished like a snuffed candle.

Whatever Ayanami was doing, he could not see, but she did not speak for some time. _I'm a dumbass,_ he decided wearily. _I should just go, for real this..._

"It is... dirty again," she admitted, quietly even by her standards.

Shinji frowned, uncertain whether to be insulted at her neglect or pleased at the opportunity it presented. Opening his eyes again, he examined the other pilot briefly, but she was just staring at her lap. _She's just like me._ "If you want," he sighed, "I could come over and clean again. Or... spruce the place up or something." Vaguely it struck him that he ought to be nervous, asking her such a thing, but his general weariness, not to mention the stifled anger after his encounter with Asuka, made this suggestion seem trifling, hardly worth the effort to worry over. _It's not like I'm asking a girl out,_ he reflected distantly._ It's just Ayanami, so it's... well, she is a girl, but not..._

"Spruce?" she repeated after a moment.

"Oh. Yeah, like decorating."

"I would like that."

He blinked as her words sunk into his foggy awareness._ She would?_ Risking another glance in her direction, he watched as she neatened her bookbag without looking at him, though the thing did not seem to need it. "When?" he wondered.

Ayanami's hands paused, and her eyes flickered towards his. "I have no obligations today save for school."

_Today?_ Shinji felt his brow shift in doubt. "I have homework," he recalled with a sigh, "but it's not like I'm going to finish it all tonight. I could head over there this evening, probably."

His companion inclined her head slightly, murmuring assent. The breeze stirred again, tugging her hair playfully.

"Okay," he nodded. _This is weird._ As he stared across the school grounds, the students outside shifted, gradually filtering back inside. "Class will be starting soon," he realized with an inward groan._ I hope I can stay awake this time._ "We should go back in."

"Yes."

* * *

Asuka slid open the door to the apartment, muttering._ Cleanup duty,_ she sneered. _Eva pilots shouldn't have to do that crap. Do they think we're not busy enough as it is?_ Even after the walk home, her hands still felt gritty and wrinkly from all the soap and water. _Better water than LCL_, she decided with a shake of her head. 

As soon as she entered the apartment, a warm, saliva-inducing aroma tickled her nostrils. Pausing in the act of sliding her shoes off, she tilted her head. _Steak?_ she wondered. A rarity in Japan, but Shinji could cook it well, she'd learned. He cooked everything well. _It's a little early for dinner, but at least the idiot's making himself useful._

Smiling faintly, she kicked her other shoe off and trotted into the apartment. He was in the kitchen, of course, in his signature apron; he turned as she approached, steel spatula in one hand.

"Hey," she greeted. "What brought..." Before she could finish the question, however, it died on her lips; there was something... different... about Shinji. What it was, she had trouble identifying. He still stood there unmoving, a confused expression on his face that grew slowly more exaggerated as the silence stretched. A shade of cool anger darkened his cobalt eyes as well; was that it? _No, I've seen him angry before._

"Asuka?" he prompted.

Abruptly realizing she was staring, she bared her teeth and advanced on him. "What are you staring at?" she asked in a low, menacing voice. "Get a good look? Not that I'd let you touch, perv."

Shinji's brows drew down in restrained anger and perhaps a little scorn. Wordlessly he turned back to the stove and poked a steak tentatively with the spatula.

Ignoring the heat in her cheeks, Asuka stalked to her room and slammed the door. _Hotshot. Too good to argue back?_ Shrugging out of her backpack, she let the thing drop with a thump to the floor, then buried herself in an old college physics textbook. If he should happen to peek inside when letting her know the food was ready, she decided, she would ignore him, pretending to be engrossed in the text.

Long moments slid past in a silence broken only by the muffled sounds of cooking, the sizzling of the meat, a bubbling she assumed to be boiling water. There had been times when he would hum while cooking, but she had not heard him do so for some time.

Sighing angrily, she tried to put the idiot and his stupid melancholy out of her mind, and instead focused on the book. Despite her deliberate attention, however, the words there blurred together, the graphs and equations swimming into jumbles free of the meaning she'd learned from them years ago.

Eventually a single knock sounded from her closed door. "Food's ready, Asuka," came Shinji's flat voice.

Gritting her teeth, Asuka ignored him, waiting a good five minutes before leaving the privacy of her room. The Third Child was already eating when she reached the table, face mild and impassive, ignoring her as he sliced delicately into his own steak.

_Idiot. He doesn't even like steak._ Scowling, she claimed a seat around the table from him and dug into her own food. It was delicious, of course; he'd even cooked green beans with some sort of tangy lemon sauce. _God damn it._ He seldom made Western-style meals, only on occasions when she suspected he wanted to apologize for something, or thought she would need a pick-me-up or some such. He was being magnanimously condescending again, or as Hikari would call it, "nice."

_She just doesn't get it_, sighed Asuka._ Then again, Hikari would side with him_. The two were a lot alike, she reflected, given to helping others. Too trusting of people with power. _Though not everyone with power_, she amended thoughtfully. _Not Commander Jackass. I don't know anyone who trusts him, apart from Wondergirl. If I were Shinji, I'd hate him too. I'd just whine about it less._

Shaking her head, she swallowed a mouthful of some flaky bread or other. _Whatever_. "Hey idiot," she murmured absently. "Gimme the butter. This bread is good." _I'm the only sane one in this mess, apparently._

"Oh," he answered happily. "Sure. Here."

The rest of the meal transpired in silence. Shinji, having started before Asuka, finished before her as well. After quickly scrubbing his dishes clean, he disappeared into the rest of the apartment.

Just as she was swallowing the last of her steak, however, he reemerged with his backpack stuffed full of chemicals and cleaning supplies, and carrying, of all things, both Misato's broom and mop, though they may as well have been Shinji's for all the woman used them.

_What the hell?_ wondered Asuka, jaw paused in mid-chew as she watched him edge towards the door without meeting her gaze, a shifty look on his face. "Where are you going?" she wondered aloud.

He paused, frowning at her. "What?"

Grimacing, she swallowed the mouthful of food and tried again. "I said, where are you going?"

Caution fell over Shinji's features. "To... a friend's place."

"Touji is still in the hospital," pointed out Asuka flatly. "Kensuke wouldn't even let you into his apartment if he saw you showing up with all that cleaning stuff. You don't have any other friends."

He scowled. "Go ask Section Two if you care so much," he muttered, pulling open the door and striding out into the hall.

Asuka frowned after him as the door slowly shut. _That's a good idea_, she realized, surprised.

Smirking, she pulled out her cell and dialed up one of the preset numbers. She had no authority to learn anything from Section Two, but she knew someone who did.

The other end rang for some time before anyone picked up. "Asuka, what is it?" asked a high female voice, her words partially smothered by the rippling of wind into the phone. A man's fractured voice was laughing somewhere nearby.

"Hello, Misato," she greeted cheerfully. _She's with Kaji again, isn't she? Bitch._ "Shinji just ran off, and I don't know where to find him. I'm worried. Could you find out where he's gone? I don't think he'd answer if I called him."

There was a pause from the other end of the line as the wind continued to blow wherever Misato was. In a car, maybe? "Did he just leave?"

"Uh-huh. He can't have gone very far."

"Don't worry about it, Asuka. Section Two will watch him; I'll have them report to me whenever he stops moving."

Asuka smiled into her phone. "Thank you, Misato!"

* * *

Rei lay on her bed, chin propped in her hands, legs sprawled out behind her. In the sweaty distance, as always, rang the steady rhythm of construction equipment. Afternoon sunlight shone through dust-stained windows and drawn blinds, painting her room a vaguely reddish hue. 

_Ikari will be here soon,_ she reflected. At the thought, a gentle tingle fluttered up through her stomach, an unfamiliar sensation. _What is this?_ she wondered. _It's like fear, but not. Why? I don't fear Ikari._

Unbidden, her eyes shifted sideways to the clutter on her floor once more; unwashed clothes had piled near the wall, a variety of torn and empty wrappers lay near the overfull garbage, and piles of homework she had no plans ever to do had slid from the desk to the floor. Her lips tightened at the sight. _It's... not right,_ she decided._ He should not have to expend extra effort to account for my carelessness._

Smoothing her features, Rei folded arms over her pillow and lay her head on them, gazing motionless at the wall. A bead of sweat had gathered behind her kneecap and slid silently down her leg to the sheets.

Waiting was something she knew. Something she did well.

Eventually a soft knocking issued from the door. "Ayanami?" came Ikari's quiet voice, further muted by the wood as he pushed his way inside. "I'm coming in."

Pushing herself upright, Rei slid to the floor and padded over to see him. Her fellow pilot had arrived bristling with cleaning tools, she saw with a frown; how much did he intend to get done before he left?

Ikari had smiled at her approach, but now he paused, staring around the place uncertainly. "There's more to do than I remember," he observed softly. "We'll have to work quickly."

_We?_ she wondered, watching him doff his shoes and begin to root through his supplies._ I suppose it would be better if I helped._

Squatting on his heels, Ikari chewed his bottom lip. "I can pick up," he decided, "if you want to sweep, and then one of us can mop while the other does dishes over there."

Rei nodded, retrieving and inspecting the broom he'd brought. It was a cheap plastic thing, not much different from the one at the school.

As he produced a black bag and began to toss excess rubbish into it, she chose a relatively open spot on the floor and began to sweep. Her progress would depend on his, she realized; she could not sweep much of what he had not cleared first.

Quickly they settled into a rhythm; Ikari would pick up trash and she would sweep in his wake, pausing on occasion to dump a dustpan into his bag. Her dirty clothes soon went into a pile on the bed and the spare papers on the floor wound up back on the desk.

As they worked, Ikari began to spare her sidelong glances, perhaps when he thought she wouldn't see. Eventually he cleared his throat. "Ayanami, why don't you ever clean here? We've had cleaning duty together at school so I know you know how."

Rei frowned at the broom in her hands, then at him. "The school is a place for many people," she explained, "but this place is just for me to live in." _And no one has instructed me to clean it._

His face wrinkled at her words, and for a time he only gazed at her mutely. Then he sighed, glancing off towards the dishes piling in her sink under a swarm of tiny fruit flies. "Do you want to mop or do the dishes?"

"I'll mop," she answered without hesitation, retrieving the bucket and trotting into the bathroom to fill it. Ikari had already begun on the dishes when she emerged, so she began alone, swabbing the dripping mophead in patient loops across the floor._ It really is dirty_, she realized as she worked. _Why did I not notice that before?_

She finished her task before Ikari completed his, so after setting the mob aside to dry, she stepped up next to him at the sink. He jumped in surprise, not having heard her approach over the sounds of the water.

Blue eyes blinked at her from less than a meter away, but shortly he sagged in apparent relief. "Ayanami," he breathed. "You startled me."

"Why?" she wondered. _I'm the only other one here._

He shook his head. "Can you dry the ones in the rack here?" he suggested, gesturing with an elbow to where a set of mismatched plates dripped.

Without answering Rei plucked the towel from his shoulder and did as he asked. The work was simple enough, though the towel was vaguely damp when she started and grew more so as she went on. In the cupboards above, a stack of clean and dry plates slowly grew.

Before long Ikari pulled the drain plug; murky suds shifted, and the water level began a gradual decline. Drying his hands absently, he frowned around the apartment. "Does this building have its own laundry?"

Rei hesitated. "I... I don't think so."

He lifted an eyebrow at this, then glanced worriedly at the bed. "I passed a laundromat on the way here," he recalled, speaking slowly. "If you have some baskets, or even bags or something, we can go there."

"I have that basket," she answered, shifting her gaze to a rectangular one in a corner. Before now it had served only to store dirty school uniforms and gather dust.

"That's... a start," acknowledged Ikari with a frown. "Let's wrap your sheets around that pile on them, then stuff the whole thing in there as best we can."

Rei eyed him in question. "Sheets?"

"Yeah," he answered without inflection. "Don't you wash them?"

_People do that?_ she wondered, vaguely irritated by his tone.

"Never mind," decided Ikari with a shake of his head. He headed towards the bed and Rei followed, tugging sheet corners free. In moments they had produced, in effect, a large wrapped ball of laundry to be washed. Ikari attempted to stuff it into the basket, then lifted the thing, arms wrapped around it awkwardly.

Turning her back on him, Rei made for the door and then for the stairs, waiting to make certain Ikari kept up. Once on the street, he struggled visibly with the basket; though it was not particularly heavy, she imagined its size made it unwieldy to handle. "Do you want help?"

Ikari offered a weak smile. "That would be nice," he admitted.

Without asking Rei took one end of the basket and they carried it between them. With the weight, her balance was off, but not terribly.

In moments they reached the laundromat, a gaudily-labelled place with buzzing lights overhead and a chemical-clean smell in the air. Only one other person was in evidence inside, an overweight older man absorbed in reading a sports magazine.

Ikari produced a box of detergent he'd brought along and began dumping it into a handful of open washers. Rei watched him briefly, then set into dividing the laundry among the empty machines he'd chosen.

"Not like that," he instructed quietly as she started; the man in the corner glanced up at the voice, then returned to his magazine. "You have to put like things with like things."

Rei paused, hands grasping the skirt of a wrinkled school uniform. "How?"

"Well," he began pleasantly, "if you wash dark things with light things, for example, the colors can bleed and stain your lights. Also, things you expect to be especially unsanitary like... um, undergarments and socks... you wash in hotter water that might damage your other clothes."

"Oh." _That is reasonable._

"Yeah," he shrugged, tugging the uniform gently from her grasp. "So... darks in this one, delicates in that one, sheets and towels in that one, and everything else here. Got it?"

Rei nodded, watching her companion. She was mildly surprised at how relaxed he now seemed; perhaps teaching another about things he knew well had reassured him somehow. _He is pleasant company_, she realized for the second time this day, averting her eyes.

Ikari did not notice, absorbed as he was in adjusting the settings on the washers and starting them. Shortly he nodded to himself. "Let's go."

She blinked. "Where?"

"To a store," he answered, watching her reaction. "We need to buy some things. More laundry baskets, for one."

She waited, and he shortly headed out the door. She accompanied him.

A short and silent train ride brought them to a department store Rei had never even seen before. Like at the laundromat, few people were in evidence; though none spared Ikari a second glance, many stared openly at her, something she had grown long used to in unfamiliar places. She ignored them in any case.

Ikari directed her to a portion of the store that contained laundry baskets. Rei chose three at random and they continued.

"Here," he said later, stopping and glancing around.

Rei stopped as well, examining their surroundings. Aisles stretched in either direction, full of curtains, bedding and the like. "Why here?"

"Some of your things are so dirty it might be better just to replace them," he explained. "At least... assume you're not... attached to any of them. Are you?"

_To curtains?_ She frowned at him.

Ikari smiled weakly and wandered down an aisle; she followed uncertainly. Shortly he glanced at her sideways. "Ayanami, what colors do you like?"

She pondered this briefly. "I like blue," she decided. "And white."

"Blue and white," he echoed thoughtfully. "How about this one?" he asked, pointing.

Ikari had selected white curtains edged in pale blue, with stitched flowers along the edges. "It is floral," noted Rei.

He hesitated. "Don't you like flowers?"

"They are useless."

"You... oh." He slumped somewhat, then nodded at another set. "Kittens?"

"Cats remind me of Dr. Akagi."

Ikari made a face at this, then pointed again. "Butterflies?"

Rei pondered this, then shrugged.

Her companion smiled and grabbed a plastic-wrapped package from under the display set. "What about blinds?" he asked, starting down the aisle again. "We can just clean your old ones, but if you want new ones this is the place to get them."

She shrugged again. "What I have is acceptable if it can be cleaned."

Ikari nodded and kept walking. And walking, and shopping. Rei did not keep track of the time they spent shopping, but as they approached the registers at the front of the store, she suspected her laundry was ready to be switched.

The woman scanning their merchandise smiled faintly at them, though Rei could not understand why. When the total popped up, however, Ikari froze in the act of reaching for his wallet, then slowly wilted. "Ayanami," he said quietly, "I... we might have to split this. How much money do you have?"

"I don't know," she realized, reaching for her NERV id. She had never bothered to inspect the account her pilot pay went into, only paid for things she needed, and there had never been any problems.

As she handed the card over, the cashier accepted it in hands that shook slightly. The young woman ran it through the reader and watched as the approval message popped up. She handed the card back quickly and did not make eye contact again.

When they left the store, twilight had displaced the afternoon. Under a purpling sky, streetlights left fuzzy cones of pale illumination through the damp air. In silence they began the walk towards the train stop, laden with bags.

Eventually Ikari sighed. "I'm sorry, Ayanami. I was hoping I could pay for that."

"Why?" she wondered, vaguely curious.

He shifted uncomfortably. "I just... I feel like I invited myself over, and then just turned out to be a burden."

"You did invite yourself over," she pointed out.

Ikari chuckled, though she suspected he was not amused. "I just... I don't know. You know what I mean."

"I don't," she clarified, keeping her gaze on the sidewalk ahead. "Should I be upset?"

"I'm... not really sure," he admitted. "Some people might be, I suppose."

Rei considered that momentarily, but could not understand why it might be. She kept her questions to herself, however, as Ikari seemed unable to explain what he meant.

When they reached the laundromat once more, the older fellow had disappeared, but a couple of older teens had taken his place, the girl sitting inappropriately on the boy's lap as they spoke in low murmurs. Ikari paid them no attention, instead beginning to switch the laundry over. Rei put her bags down and helped. Once the driers were tumbling, her companion slumped into a nearby seat, wiping sweat from his brow.

She was sweating as well, Rei realized; though she was accustomed to walking, she seldom did so much of it in one day, and the store had been a fair distance from the train stop. The day's wet heat had not helped matters either. Claiming the seat next to Ikari, she folded hands in her lap and stared at them. "Why are you helping me?"

Ikari shifted, but she could not see his face. "I'm... didn't we talk about this?" When she did not answer, he shifted again, but continued. "I want... I don't know." He sounded suddenly tired. "I want you to be happy, and it would make me happy if someone did this for me."

_There it is again_, she noticed, that sparkling tingle in her stomach, her throat, though this time a pleasant warmth accompanied it. Her hands, she saw, were toying with the fabric of her dress and she stilled them. "Thank you," she offered quietly.

Clothing rustled as he nodded, presumably, but he did not reply. As the silence stretched, she risked a sideways glance, but Ikari's eyes were closed.

_Is he sleeping?_ she wondered, watching him. Time ground past without any movement on his part, and she concluded that he had indeed succumbed to slumber. _Odd. He claims he has had trouble sleeping recently, but it didn't take him long._

Patiently she continued to watch him, curious to see if he would wake shortly, but he did not. After a time the other couple stood to switch their single load of laundry, but Ikari did not stir.

He looked different from when he was awake, she realized. The tightness she had often seen around his eyes was absent now, and a hidden tension in his shoulders had likewise disappeared. Though he was not smiling, he was not frowning. He looked... relaxed, she decided, would be the word for it.

_Is he dreaming? I wonder if he dreams of me._ As his chest shifted slightly with every breath, the warmth in her middle remained, and it occurred to her that she enjoyed watching him sleep there.

Eventually their driers started beeping, signaling the imminent completion of their work, and Ikari jerked awake, staring first at the machines and then at Rei. "I'm... I fell asleep, didn't I?" he mumbled, blinking.

She nodded. "You barely moved."

He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he stretched and rose to his feet. "I'm sorry," he sighed. "That was rude of me."

"Why was it rude?"

He shook his head without looking at her, instead tending to the dryers to make them stop beeping. "When you're... I guess hanging out with people, it's not polite to fall asleep because then they can't, um, enjoy your... your company." He finished quietly, swallowing, as he dumped armfuls of fresh-smelling linens into one of the new baskets.

She tilted her head. "Can I not enjoy the company of one who is sleeping?"

Ikari chuckled, though this time he seemed pleased. "I suppose so."

Rei watched him for a time, but he seemed unwilling to meet her gaze. "I thought you were unable to sleep well. At least you got some."

"Yeah," he answered after a moment, sounding surprised. "Yeah. Good point."

Nodding, she stood and helped him. In moments they were making the short trek back to her apartment.

Once there Ikari set himself to reapplying sheets to her bed, while she wiped a damp cloth along the blinds and began to puzzle out the curtains. They seemed simple enough, and he had apparently chosen the correct size. She had been unaware they came in different sizes.

"Asuka asked where I was going," he murmured at one point. "I didn't tell her."

Rei eyed him as he straightened a pale green rug on the floor. "Why not?"

"You know how she is," he sighed, putting hands on his hips as he examined the rug's alignment relative to the walls. "She would have flared up or something, and probably would have bothered you about it too. I just said I was visiting a friend, but she didn't believe me."

She frowned at this, suddenly uncertain. "A friend," she repeated.

Ikari hesitated, then twisted around to glance at her nervously. "Is that okay? I meant it as just something to put her off, but now that we're talking about it, I think that might be what we are."

Rei sat on the edge of the bed, folding her hands. "Are we?" she wondered thoughtfully, keeping her eyes on the floor. "I don't know."

Peripherally she noticed Ikari running a hand through his hair. "Friends... spend time together," he explained weakly. "They eat together and stuff, but you also talk to friends about things that bother you, or things that are important to you."

She remained silent, thinking. By Ikari's definition, he was definitely a friend. The Commander, however, would not be; he never confided in her, as Ikari seemed to think a friend should, and he had never discussed friendship at all, a topic Rei decided was of importance to her. Hence he was not a friend. _Is that right?_

Ikari cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I... never mind," he decided flatly. "Maybe I was wrong. I should head home, I suppose." Squatting, he began returning supplies to his backpack.

"Do friends hurt each other?" The question coming out of her mouth surprised her.

"They're not supposed to," answered Ikari without turning back around, "but I hurt Touji."

_Then the Commander is not a friend,_ she concluded. _Perhaps he does not need to be._ Nodding, she stood and returned to the curtains trying to get the things straight. "You were not wrong."

"I... what?" His voice carried clear confusion. "Really?"

"Yes." _There_. The rod had not been set properly into its brackets.

"Oh," breathed Ikari. "That's... a relief, I think." He chuckled.

He said no more, and they continued to work. After finishing with the rug, he found the window clings he'd selected, bright things like rainbows and cartoon fish, though why a fish should be anywhere near a rainbow, she did not understand. He applied them anyway, smiling faintly as he stuck them to the windows, which he had been forced to wash first.

It was nearly midnight when he finished, she realized as he was packing the last of his belongings into his backback. Ikari noticed the time too, she saw, grimacing as he checked the clock.

"Is it late for you?" wondered Rei, concerned. She usually went to bed before this, but on the occasions she did not, she'd simply stay home from school the next day, a solution Ikari seemed loath to employ.

"A little," he shrugged, pulling his backpack on. "I'll be fine."

She nodded, following him to the door, vaguely unwilling to see him go. "I'm... glad you came," she decided. _I have a friend._

He smiled in the doorway. "I am too."

Heat arose in her belly, her cheeks; she lowered her gaze. "Thank you, Ikari."

"Shinji."

"What?"

"We're friends now," he explained, adjusting the backpack. "It's okay to call one another by our first names. If... if it doesn't bother you, I mean."

Rei frowned. Many of the NERV staff already referred to her by her given name, and she could hardly make herself care one way or the other about that, but actually addressing another so seemed presumptuous. _But he's giving me permission,_ she reminded herself. _He has friends and they all do that. He even calls Sohryu Asuka, and they aren't friends. He must know what he's talking about. _"That's acceptable."

"Good," he smiled again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Rei." Turning, he stepped into the hallway and shut the door quietly behind him.

_Rei_. As the sound of his footsteps faded to silence, she stared at the door, absently raising a hand to touch her cheek, which still felt warm. _Why does it sound different coming from him?_

Smoothing a frown, she turned and examined her apartment, now, if not immaculate, at least much cleaner than it had been. It was even... colorful. Brighter somehow, too.

_Most unusual_, she concluded. Turning, she clicked off the lights and headed for her newly-clean bed, undoing her uniform as she walked. In moments it was a rumpled pile of teal and white on the ground, joined by her socks. As she climbed into bed, however, her eyes caught sight of the clothes, now a very noticeable departure from the otherwise shiningly clean floor.

For a moment she sat there unmoving, one hand on the sheets. Then she shook herself. Rising, she gathered the still-warm garments and tossed them into one of the nearby laundry baskets before returning to bed.

Despite the heat, sleep came easily.


	5. Chapter 5: Breaking Mirrors

_Well argued; but no living man can hope  
To force the gods to speak against their will._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Five: Breaking Mirrors

"Asuka's down again, Misato," murmured Ritsuko. "I don't like this."

They stood in the command box overlooking a real-time feed reporting the state of the pilots during the current sync test. Rei's graph was solid as always, a nearly-perfect horizontal bar. Though Shinji had been flaky of late, he had not varied much, and today seemed to be a good day for him, as he'd improved two points. Statistically significant, but psychologically significant? There was precious little to go on. Asuka, on the other hand, had continued her freefall through the two-digit numbers, now performing almost on Rei's level, which was terrible for her. The graph was wildly erratic as well, varying over a range of forty percentage points just in the last two hours.

"I know," answered the major standing next to her, frowning at the same readout before shifting her gaze to the split video feed showing each pilot's face. "Do you think I like it any more than you do?"

Ritsuko ignored the question, sipping idly from her coffee. "Another four points overnight," she added. "What are you doing at that apartment of yours? Beating the girl?"

"If only," sighed Misato, scratching an itch on her elbow. "You may have to think of a deeper explanation than that, Doctor."

As she was speaking, the door opened to admit a yawning Subcommander Fuyutsuki. Ignoring the techs, he made towards where Ritsuko and Misato were standing. "How are they doing?" he asked quietly, gazing up at the video feed.

"See for yourself," answered Ritsuko, gesturing at the graphs in front of her.

The man did so, folding arms over his chest as he examined the figures. Eventually he grunted in clear disgust. "What's the explanation for her?" he asked quietly, tapping Asuka's jagged line.

"Who knows?" she shrugged, sipping again from her coffee. "Could be anything, at this point. Remember, though, that she defines herself in terms of success. This is likely to get worse."

Fuyutsuki scowled sourly at the girl's numbers, then shifted his attention back to the monitor. He did not answer.

"So," continued Ritsuko, "do you want me to arrange a full psychological for her?"

The subcommander grunted again. "Don't bother, yet. If she doesn't settle down, do it." Without waiting for a response he turned and strode for the door, not intentionally walking fast, but his long legs made it so anyway.

Ritsuko eyed the man as he left. The Commander, of course, could never be bothered to attend something as mundane as a sync test, and the Subcommander's presence was always cursory. Still, Fuyutsuki seemed to display some concern for the people under him, some normal human curiosity about the welfare of others. _He isn't a sociopath, at least. So I wonder how he got in here._ Chuckling, she drained the last of her coffee and set the mug on a clear space on an instrument panel.

As she did so, Misato touched the audio channel to Asuka's test plug and a corresponding green light flared to life on a screen across the room. "Asuka?" A note of motherly concern touched her voice.

The German grunted acknowledgement, not opening her eyes.

Misato frowned slightly. "Asuka, is there anything that might be--"

"Stuff it, Major."

Ritsuko felt her lips curving. _Hateful girl._

"Well," sighed Misato, tapping the channel to silence again. "Forget that."

Nodding absently, Ritsuko ignored Asuka for the moment, scanning the faces of the other two pilots on the divided screen. _Shinji, at least, is doing better_. That in itself was mildly surprising; barring his recent fluttering, the boy always seemed to do better, driving his sync rates to steady and apparently never-ending improvement._ That has to be driving Asuka mad. I wonder if whatever's been bothering him lately has been resolved._

"Want to hear something funny?" murmured Misato beside her.

"Depends. Is it at my expense?"

"Not this time." The smile in the other woman's voice was audible. "Asuka called my cell two days ago saying Shinji had run off; she made it sound like he was going to go kill someone, or himself. I called Section Two and it turns out he just went to Rei's place with a bunch of cleaning stuff."

Ritsuko chuckled. "Sohryu is fond of theatrics," she observed.

"Well, that's the funny thing," mused Misato. "It had been her idea to check on him, so I told her about it when I got home. I expected her to throw a tantrum or something -- you know how she is -- but she just got this bizarre look on her face and went to her room. She didn't even slam the door or anything."

_That might explain some things_, she realized with a frown, shifting her attention back to Asuka's jittering sync graph. "Why Rei?" she wondered quietly. "Why _cleaning _supplies?"

Misato spread her hands. "With Shinji, who knows? I was as surprised as Asuka was. He didn't get home until late, though."

Ritsuko did not answer, instead frowning at Rei's relaxed face on the screen. It was not within the girl's usual behavior range to host social visitors, even someone as mild as Shinji, who was likely just there to help clean out her filthy apartment. Rei was cripplingly shy, even more so than Shinji, and her insistence on such things as solitude and distant speech had once prompted Ritsuko to test her for autism. _Is Shinji just being himself, or are there sparks there? He doesn't know about her, does he?_

"Anyway," sighed Misato, "I just thought it was funny."

"Funny, indeed," agreed Ritsuko absently. _What are you two up to?  
_

* * *

Rei cut slowly into her eggplant parmesan. Though Italian food was inoffensive, she had no great love of it. He did on occasion, however, and it pleased him to have her eat with him, so she did it. 

"How is school?" he asked without inflection.

She waited to answer until she'd swallowed the mouthful of pasta. "It is more empty than in recent months." The same was true of the city, really.

"That is to be expected," agreed the Commander absently. "Many cannot stomach constant fear. They allow it to rule their lives."

Rei said nothing, only sipped from her water. His mind was not on the conversation, she knew; he had not made eye contact in some time, instead staring through her as though pondering something else. Vaguely she wondered what it could be, as he seldom let other worries affect him.

The Commander did not continue, and for a time the meal took place in silence. Rei ate deliberately and carefully; she did not enjoy the food, and as such there was little reason to hurry.

Eventually the Commander sighed, adjusting his glasses with a white-gloved hand. "Rei, I am to understand the Third Child has visited your apartment."

"Yes," she admitted.

"He stayed there until after midnight."

"Yes."

The Commander frowned slightly, and she could not read his face. He remained silent briefly before continuing. "What happened when he was there?"

"We cleaned and decorated." Silently she wondered how this could possibly concern him; she had not been forbidden from spending time with the other pilots, or anyone else for that matter.

"I see." The man across the table studied her openly now, fingers folded and very still on the tabletop. "Rei, are you in a relationship with the Third Child?"

She pondered the question. _Friendship is a relation_. "Yes."

The Commander grimaced faintly. "For how long?"

"Only two days now."

He nodded once; bars of reflected light from the windows flashed across his spectacles with the motion. "Who initiated things? Was it him?"

"I... don't know," she admitted. "I believe both of us."

His lips twisted slightly, his only reaction. "Who initiated the physical contact?"

Rei frowned. "Physical contact?"

The Commander paused, then nodded again. "Yes. Have you slept together?"

"I watched him sleep in the laundromat while we were waiting there," she answered. _Is that significant_?

"Ah," he replied after a moment. "I see. But you are... dating, correct?"

"Dating?" She felt herself frowning again. "We are... I do not believe so." Perhaps she would have to ask Shinji about that to be certain.

"Very well," he acknowledged. "I may have misunderstood you. You are only friends, then?"

_"Only" friends?_ she wondered, nodding. _Friends are to be treasured._

"I see," answered the Commander again. After a moment he resumed eating his meal, a pepper-rich dish with a complicated name she could not remember.

Rei gripped her water glass, feeling the cool condensation dampen her palm, but did not lift it. "Is that a concern?"

He shook his head as he swallowed. "Do not worry about it. But be wary of the Third Child, Rei. He is not worthy of trust."

_That is not correct,_ she realized silently, keeping her eyes down as she drank again of her water. _Is the Commander lying, or merely mistaken? Perhaps... perhaps the latter; he does not know Shinji well._ The awkward realization struck her that she might soon know her friend better than the Commander did, if she did not already.

Silence fell over the white-draped table once again. Rei kept her attention on her own plate, eating impassively as she wondered about the conversation that had just transpired. _Dating_. She had never even thought to consider Shinji, or anyone, in such a fashion until the Commander had mentioned it. Now the idea was there, and it made her... uncomfortable, she decided. _I wonder how he feels. If he's thought of it at all._

"What have you been reading lately?" wondered the Commander some time later.

Rei thought back. "Old Eva safety documents."

He nodded. "Useful knowledge. It never hurts you to know more."

"Yes."_ It never hurts.  
_

* * *

_Darkness. Cool darkness, wet. Water on grass. Dew._

_Not just coolness; cold. Sharp, icy cold, tugging at skin, numbing. No air. Water. Icewater and metal, cold steel under the tongue._

_Sudden light, blurring in the darkness. Warmth. Warm light. A human face, smiling. Loving. Fingers in my hair, stroking, comforting. Something soft and smooth under curling fingers. Closed eyes now. A warm liquid, sweet in my mouth, liquid affection. It is love._

_The comfort gone now, the light gone, only eyes. Machine eyes. White or green? Glowing. Waiting, patient._

_A weapon? A weapon. Against enemies to be used, all enemies everywhere, world-rending power. Blood rushing, whispering vengeance, retribution. Father._

_Weakness now. Can't stand the weakness, choking, humiliating. Strength taunting, others' strength. Strong where I am weak. Suffocating, drowning in blood, pressure everywhere, crushing. A distant roar. Not mine._

_Blood, glowing red. Red. Red sunshine, setting sun. Red sky. Bars of Mozart, slicing, hopeless._

_Machine eyes. Always there._

_Father. Enemies, Father. We are enemies now. You don't know yet, but I do. You've hurt too many..._

_...too much..._

_...pain. Clawing, desperate. Escape? Not from, from... cage. Cages. A giant fist, my fist, into the glass. Doesn't break. Can't reach him. Powerless. Laughing weakness, swirling shame, broken care for my only... my... Endless imprisonment, a humanoid prison, glittering power in a wind-up doll. A cage in a cage. Hate him now. Hate forever. Did this to me. Knew. Everything to protect..._

_Dripping water. Underwater. Moonlight on ripples. Sweet liquid, safety. Warmth. Please don't go, please don't..._

_Cold ovals of light, a grim sneer, a reaching hand. Can't breathe, can't... can't reach... can't stand. Feet not on the ground. Stars, swirling, blackness._

_Air. My body on the ground. Tearing, vultures tearing, losing flesh, losing identity, feeding the battle, the machines, fuel for the plan. Swirls of mist, rising, disintegrating. Darkness._

Shinji awoke with a gasp, sitting upright. For a moment nothing registered; he stared blankly around the silent room, confused. The numbers on the clock face flickered ahead, meaningless squiggles of light in the darkness.

_Eva_, he sighed, wiping his face with a shaking hand. _I'm not in the Eva anymore. I'm not!_ Slumping, he let himself fall back to the bed.

The sheets were damp under his back. Fear-sweat. His body still shuddered, uncontrolled by his stunned will. Closing his eyes revealed only another pair staring back at him, glowing, so he jerked them open again.

Scowling suddenly, he rolled to his side to get away from the sweaty impression his body had left. The SDAT's headphone cord tried to tangle around his arms, reminding him that he'd fallen asleep listening to the thing, but it held no appeal now, not after another nightmare, one of the worst yet. Music might be able to put monsters to sleep in stories and video games, but the Eva's phantom would not be so easily conquered. Impatiently he pulled the plugs from his ears and gathered the player, then set them carefully aside.

It was strange, he reflected as he stared at the wall beside his bed, that after all that being an Eva pilot had done to him, he had no fear of getting into the thing again. He hated _fighting _in it, hated his father for making him do it in the first place, for making Touji pilot as well, but actually being inside Unit-01 presented no problems for him. It was... comforting, in a way he could not quite identify. Like nothing could hurt him there. Even though the feeling was clearly illusionary, it persisted._ I wonder why that is_. The answer swirled somewhere in the depths of his memory, something from when he'd been stuck inside. It was gone now, whatever it was.

Curling into a ball on his side, he hugged the pillow to his head, but the rapid beating in his chest would keep him awake for some time, he knew. Fear still chilled his belly, gripped his lungs, his body's feeble reaction to things his mind could not understand, and likely wouldn't be able to handle if it could.

_I hate this._ The thought was without rancor, without feeling. He could feel his eyes losing focus, staring without blinking at the shadowed wall. _I'm not cut out for this. I'll keep fighting, but I don't know how much of me is going to be left when it's all done._

Time slid past, unnumbered moments drifting silently into history. He didn't move, didn't sleep; the fear never left him, even growing sharper whenever he felt drowsy, a greasy and desperate twist in his intestines to wake him back up.

_I can't stand this anymore_, he decided, rolling to his back again. The sweat on the sheets had dried, but he didn't remain there, instead continuing on until he was out of the bed, on his feet. Something drove him to leave the bedroom; it was a place of terror now, a house of mirrors reflecting distorted images of his inadequacy, of the circus monsters in his mind.

Quietly pulling his door open, he slipped into the hall and trotted into the living room, where he threw himself onto the futon and placed his face in his hands. The silence of the apartment, and the noise in his mind, were no different than they'd been in his bedroom.

* * *

Asuka's eyes snapped open. Though she was not a light sleeper, _per se_, she prided herself on waking to slight and unexpected changes to her environment. Hearing Shinji's footsteps head to the bathroom and back was expected; hearing them head out into the rest of the apartment without coming back was not. 

For a time she simply lay there, staring at the ceiling above, wondering if she cared. He was allowed to sleepwalk, she supposed, though he'd never done so before. _Oh, he's not asleep,_ she sighed. _He barely sleeps these days._

Lips thinning briefly, she shook her head and climbed out of bed. Stepping silently across her bedroom floor, she pulled her door open just a crack, enough to hear if he were to leave the apartment, enough see a slice of him if he were to walk past. There she waited.

* * *

Rectangles of moonlight slowly shifted across the living room floor under Shinji's helpless gaze. _I hate this,_ he thought, not for the first time or even the tenth._ I'm not going to get to sleep this way. I should just talk to someone,_ he decided bleakly. _Only there's no one. No one awake, anyway._

Rising wearily to his feet, he simply stood there for a moment before shuffling back to his room just long enough to retrieve his cell phone. From there he wandered back, frowning at the glowing buttons uncertainly. _I shouldn't_, he told himself. _She's not awake. She won't answer anyway. So why not?_ he concluded with a humorless chuckle.

Thumbing a button for one of the preset numbers, he lifted the phone to his ear and glanced up. With a blink he realized his feet had carried him to the apartment's actual phone, in the kitchen, as though he were using it instead.

The line rang in his ear for some time, and idly he wondered if there was a lonelier sound than a phone not being answered. _She's not going to wake up_, he realized, relieved. _Good. I'm an idiot anyway. I shouldn't have..._

In mid-ring a clicking sound announced someone at the other end answering the call. A moment later a voice spoke. "Hello?"

He licked his lips. "Rei?"

"Shinji?" Her soft voice was husky with sleepiness.

He closed his eyes, slumping; he could hear her speak like that for hours and be content. "I... I woke you up," he whispered. "I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry."

She cleared her throat. "Why did you call?"

"I don't... it's stupid," he dismissed. "I can just talk to you whenever I see you next, probably."

"Something has upset you," she realized.

Shinji grimaced, rubbing his forehead. _She actually wants to know. Wants to help. Asuka would kick my ass if I did this to her. Even Touji and Kensuke would probably just tell me to bring it up in the morning, then hang up on me._

"Shinji?" prompted her tinny voice.

"I... can't sleep," he admitted, surprised at how quiet his voice came out, how calm. _She's not upset. I don't need to be afraid._ "I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was still stuck in the Eva again, and then... then the Commander killed me. Choked me to death with his bare hands."

"But that did not actually occur," she pointed out.

"I know; it was a dream." He shook his head. "I just... this happens almost every night, but this was worse than normal. I couldn't get back to sleep. I can still feel my heart pounding, and it's been quite a while."

Rei remained silent for a time. "You are no longer in Unit-01," she reminded him. "The Commander would not kill you in any case. You are safe where you are."

"I... I know," he sighed, toying with the coiled cord of Misato's phone, still on the hook. What Rei had told him was so obvious it hardly needed mentioning, but hearing someone else say it, someone totally calm, eased the terror somewhat. "I know. I think I just needed someone to talk to."

"I see," she answered. "Are you still troubled, then?"

_Who's not?_ He nodded, knowing she couldn't see it. "Yeah, but I should be able to get to sleep now." _Hopefully_.

"Very well. Are we done?"

He smiled faintly. "Yes. Thank you, Rei."

"I don't mind, Shinji." The phone went dead, and a sad chirp let him know the call had ended.

Still feeling vaguely idiotic, he gazed at his silent cell for a moment, then shook his head and turned around. And found himself staring into a pair of blue eyes.

* * *

Asuka watched impassively as Shinji leapt a half-meter ceilingward, then stumbled back to the kitchen wall on landing. The idiot's fist, still clutching his phone, had risen to his heart. 

For a moment he simply stood there, staring, before finally sagging. "Asuka, you scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?" He pitched his voice low, perhaps owing to the close darkness in the apartment. Or to avoid waking Misato, who was actually home for once.

She raised an eyebrow, advancing on him. "I should be asking you the same thing," she countered, just as quietly.

A guarded expression stole over his face. "I couldn't sleep," he answered.

"I see that." Asuka watched him for a moment, but he was still clearly waiting to see why she'd followed him into the kitchen. "You couldn't sleep, so you called _Rei?_" _This is just too weird._

"No, I... well, yeah."

"Why?"

Shinji's features clouded. "What do you mean, why?"

Asuka sighed tightly, trying to summon more patience from somewhere. "Why on earth would you call Wondergirl? How could she possibly help you?"

"She listens," answered Shinji flatly, fingers curling around his phone. "We're friends."

"Oh, how convenient," she murmured. "I was awake the whole time, you know."

He sagged slightly. "So you... you heard everything."

"I heard..." She trailed off, staring at him, confused. "So what? You don't _get _it, do you?" she hissed. "Rei has nothing to give you that a living, breathing, non-doll person couldn't." _This is weird, arguing in whispers._

Shinji frowned in apparent thought. "Asuka, are you...? If I'd woken you up about this, you'd have smacked me."

_Well, yeah._ She snorted, investing the sound with as much scorn as she could manage. "Who says it had to be me?"

He shook his head. "Then why else are you out here?"

Smoldering anger quickened to eager flames. "Listen, dumbass," she instructed coldly, advancing on him; Shinji backed into the wall in response. "I was curious, okay? That's all. Don't think I want to be some confidante who hears how you wet the bed or... whatever it is you do in there. You can tell that to Rei, or to Touji or a chair for all I care; it'll all work the same."

"Then get out of my way," he whispered, anger narrowing his eyes. "You can't... you can't _make _someone confide in you, Asuka."

Scowling, she threw her hands in the air and wandered off, allowing him space to leave. He did so, staring at the floor, walking quickly back to his room.

_Such an idiot. He doesn't know what he needs, does he?_ Glaring after him, Asuka folded arms across her chest and stood there._ He's probably doing that just to annoy me. _She didn't expect, or want, him to come to her with all his problems, but if he had, it would have been an admission of weakness on his part and therefore could be taken as an apology for being such a condescending hotshot, an apology she would have accepted. Though she still would have rubbed it in a bit, of course; he deserved no less.

Sighing, she let her hands drop and returned to her room. It was like he was going out of his way to ignore her, a man going across the city to pay for beer when his neighbor was giving away wine, and if there was one thing that stoked her fury more than being defeated, it was being ignored.

_Such an ass. Thinks I want to be his... thinks Rei gives a shit._ That he had called the First Child in the middle of the night, and apparently was on a first-name basis with her, still made Asuka's skin crawl. _That's no good. Shinji doesn't know what he needs, but it's definitely not her. I'll have to do something about that._

Jaw clenched, she flopped back to her bed and squeezed her eyes shut. It was some time before her pounding heart slowed and sleep found her.


	6. Chapter 6: To Build A House

_Dost know thy lineage? Nay, thou know'st it not,  
And all unwitting art a double foe  
To thine own kin, the living and the dead;  
Aye and the dogging curse of mother and sire  
One day shall drive thee, like a two-edged sword,  
Beyond our borders, and the eyes that now  
See clear shall henceforward endless night._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Six: To Build A House

"I should not have slapped you."

Shinji glanced at Rei in surprise as they ascended through a stairwell in her apartment building. "What are you talking about?"

Crimson eyes slid sideways to meet his own as they rounded a corner and continued to climb. "When you insulted the Commander," she clarified softly. "A long time ago."

"Oh, that." Shinji shook his head wearily. Though he'd been sleeping slightly better of late, the stress of having Asuka around at the apartment had been making him just as tired, and had provided reason to be away from home besides. He'd found walking Rei home from school to be a pleasant distraction, a way of delaying the cold tension of Asuka's silent blue eyes.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," he sighed flatly. "I deserved it."

Rei frowned at him as they pushed through a door into the hallway that led to her apartment. "Why?"

He shrugged, absently adjusting the backpack straps on his shoulders. "I said something unkind," he explained._ Even if he deserved it, and more_. "You had every right to slap me, or do worse. I'm..." He trailed off, grimacing, not wanting to sound melodromatic.

"You're what?" She did not look at him as she turned the knob to her apartment door and stepped inside.

Shinji twisted his lips as he followed. Waiting briefly for her to get out of the way, he slipped off his shoes on a fuzzy blue rug with _Welcome!_ scripted across it in flowing white hiragana. After dropping his backpack next to his shoes, he wandered into the rest of the apartment; Rei had seated herself primly on the edge of her bed, and he sat sprawled on the floor as he had for the last few afternoons. "Worthless," he answered finally.

Her features tightened fractionally. "You are not worthless."

"I feel like I am sometimes," he admitted quietly. Leaning elbows on his knees, he stared at the opposite wall. The rhythmic clanging of distant construction sounded faintly through the apartment.

"Why?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Dragging up words to answer seemed suddenly like a great and heroic effort. "Nobody cares," he answered in a whisper. "I mean, you do now, I think. Before that, though... well, Asuka hates me. Touji probably does too, now. Misato might care, but she's wrapped up in her own problems, and she's been shut up in her room lately anyway. The Commander definitely doesn't care." He paused, feeling his slow heartbeat pulse in his ears. "I'm too weak to fight properly. I can't keep my Eva from crippling my friends, can barely control it at all. I just feel like... a disaster."

The silence stretched for a long time before Rei spoke again. "I don't know how I can help."

Shinji chuckled silently, swaying where he sat. Rei was a strange one; he was still growing accustomed to her, trying to figure out how someone so reserved could still be so open. None of his other friends would listen to his drivel and then ask honestly how to help. _There's no artifice in her._

Rather than answer, he planted hands on the floor and scooted slowly across it, pushing himself until he was leaning against the side of the bed next to Rei's legs. In truth, he had no idea how she could help him, if she could at all, but she accepted him, and something in him simply wanted to be close to her.

The muted construction noise continued to wash through the empty air. Whatever Rei was doing, whatever she was thinking, he had no way of knowing with his back turned to her.

Eventually a touch on his shoulder made him twitch. Without turning his head he could feel three of Rei's fingers there, resting as lightly as possible, not moving, not retreating. Testing the waters, perhaps, seeing if this was acceptable between friends.

_Of course it is, Rei._ Hanging his head, he let his eyes slide shut again, vaguely relieved that she hadn't asked him anything further.

Someone was touching him. Not just elbowing past him in a crowded hallway, not Asuka's fingers brushing his as she grabbed something out of his hands, not gloved medical hands repairing his body under bright impersonal lights. Someone was touching him only because she wanted to, because she wanted to help. Because she cared.

After a moment her fingers slid under her entire hand was resting on his shoulder. "You are not worthless, Shinji," she declared softly. "Unit-01 is unusual, and you are an excellent pilot. I think you have done well."

Moisture burned his closed eyes. _How can she say that? How can she mean it? I'm not worthy of that kind of praise. _Nevertheless, her words snuck into him somewhere, bringing warmth to someplace he wasn't even aware was cold. She meant every word she'd said, he knew. _You have done well._ He swallowed against a lump in his throat.

"I do not know why you care about what others think," continued Rei in a quiet monotone. "But since you do, perhaps my opinion will help. You are... worthwhile. I would be pleased to have accomplished what you have."

He nodded once, unable to speak. The gentle pressure of her hand was something solid, a mute testimony to her concern; it grounded him, provided a foundation on which she could perhaps help him build.

Some time later she withdrew her touch; cloth rustled beside his head as she folded the hand into her lap. She said nothing.

Breathing deeply to steady himself, he let his head tilt back on the mattress; out of the corner of his eye he could see Rei watching him calmly. He could not tell what she made of this, if her comfort struck her as unusual at all. It certainly had to him, a welcome surprise for once.

Rolling his head to meet her gaze, he offered a weak smile, the best he could manage. "Thank you, Rei," he whispered. "You have... no idea how much that means to me."

Surprisingly her cheeks colored yet again. Rolling lips between her teeth, she turned away, nodding in silent acknowledgement.

_That's my cue,_ he realized sadly. _I should go. _He had not been staying at her apartment long after walking her home; this new friendship, valued now above all others, was still something to treat delicately. He had no idea how fragile it might be. _Knowing her, probably as fragile as steel._

Tiredly he clambered to his feet and shifted to face her. She met his gaze now, her apparent discomfiture already vanished. "I should head home," he explained. "I need to make dinner."

Rei nodded. "I am glad you accompanied me here," she answered, as she had begun to do most days.

"So am I," he smiled, turning to head to the door, where he retrieved his things. "I'll see you tomorrow at school, I suppose."

"No. At NERV."

"Right," he sighed, tugging on his shoes. _Sync test. Great._ "Anyway, I'll see you there, and maybe after."

She nodded again, watching him without expression.

Smiling uncertainly as he adjusted the backpack, he backed out of the door and closed it reluctantly, cutting off her red-eyed gaze. His descent back down to the street level seemed to take twice as long as their ascent had.

* * *

Asuka left the apartment before Shinji was even out of the shower, and arrived at the NERV facilities early. She had a plan. A simple one, to be sure, but it required someplace other than the apartment, someplace with walls thicker than cardboard, and she imagined the reinforced steel-and-concrete of the underground headquarters would serve nicely. Not that Misato had much interest, it seemed, in eavesdropping back at her place, but Asuka wanted privacy, to protect both herself and, perhaps, Shinji. Or, she corrected, to keep the dirt she'd dig up from him away from any ears but her own until she knew what to do with it. 

It had rained overnight, leaving the pre-dawn air warm and sticky, so she showered before getting into the familiar red plugsuit, silently thankful that Ritsuko had abandoned her "naked piloting" curiosity of a few months earlier. In moments she was ready. Just outside of the entrances to the pilots' lockers, she chose a suitable corner and ducked behind it, waiting. Above, electric lights buzzed faintly on the edge of hearing.

Minutes slipped past. Slowly her hair began to dry. She continued to wait.

Eventually the nearby elevator dinged and opened, and footsteps began to approach. They were soft but steady, not what she had expected. _Shit. It's Rei. Of course Wondergirl would get here early too. _She had not planned on that.

_Well, I'll just have to keep my voice down_, she decided. _Or maybe move us farther away from those doors._ As she refigured her plan, the hidden Rei slipped into the girls' half of the shower rooms.

Moments later the elevator chimed again, and Shinji's familiar shuffling drew wearily near. She smiled, imagining him staring at nothing as he walked along.

When he was about to draw abreast of her corner, she leapt out in front of him. Rather than leaping into the air as she had expected, he simply drew to a halt, blinking tiredly. "Morning, idiot," she greeted brightly. "A minute, if you please."

He blinked at her a moment longer before sighing. "What is it, Asuka?" His voice was low, his patience obviously forced.

_Glad to see you too, fucker_. "I couldn't help but notice," she murmured casually, making a show of examining her fingernails, "that you've been hanging around with Wondergirl quite a bit of late."

"Yeah," he acknowledged flatly. "So? I told you we're friends."

She nodded, tossing her head and studying him. Dark blue eyes watched her in return, guarded, suspicious. "Just friends, I suppose," she added, nodding.

"Yeah," he repeated, shifting his feet. "Why?"

_He's lying. _"Well, I don't see you much anymore," she complained, exaggerating slightly; he had not been gone that much, really. "Am I a friend too?" She punctuated the question with a raised eyebrow.

Shinji opened his mouth, then closed it and swallowed, eyeing her in obvious confusion. "Um, I don't... are we?"

Asuka shrugged. "Why not? Let's be friends, Shinji." The words were bitter in her mouth, ashes, but she forced herself to ignore the taste. _All part of the plan._

He bared his teeth in what could have been a smile, then shifted his feet again. "Asuka, it's... sometimes you're... I don't know. We can be, I guess. I want you to be nice to me, though."

"I already..." She stopped herself, growling, and took a moment to compose herself before responding. "Fine," she agreed. "Whatever. What are you doing after the sync test? We can go hit downtown or something, maybe the arcade. I've seen you playing Kensuke in Steel Blizzard; I bet I could take you."

He actually smiled at this, though faintly and briefly. "I can't," he sighed after a moment, glancing away. "I'm supposed to hang out with Rei, I think."

_As I thought._ Keeping her face free of the anger sparkling in her belly, she nodded. "Tomorrow, then?"

Shinji grimaced. "Tomorrow's Friday. After school Rei and I were going to walk around in Shitamachi."

Asuka felt her face sliding into blankness as she stared Shinji in the eye, forcing him to hear the meaning behind his words through the sheer force of her will. "I see," she answered finally.

He shook his head. "It's not what you think, Asuka. That's as far as we've thought stuff ahead. Saturday afternoon, maybe?"

Her heart raced, a marching drumbeat in her ribs. "So," she acknowledged. "How often do you guys suck face? Is that what you're doing when you're alone?"

Shinji blinked, then glared at her. "I just told you it's not like that!"

"Then what is it like?" she countered, her voice rising unintentionally as she stepped closer to him. "Tell me that. What does she have that could possibly interest you, or anyone?"

"Why do you want to know?" he charged, eyes narrowing. "Why do you care? She's not your friend."

_Fortunately_. "I want to know what's sucking you in," she answered angrily. "What there is in that great empty soul of hers that you find so compelling."

"She's comforting, okay?" growled Shinji, taking a step towards her, getting into her face. "She's soothing. She makes me feel safe, makes my problems seem smaller. All you do is add to them."

Asuka's eyes widened in rage. His words would have been bad enough even had he not been invading her personal space; as it was, her fist clenched painfully, shaking from the force of her searing fury. "Little Shinji has a dolly," she whispered. "A dolly that doesn't talk back, that he can carry around wherever he goes, that he can cry on. She's a fucking _crutch_, Shinji. You're a little girl with a dolly you've invented a personality for. Grow the hell up."

He swallowed again, opening and closing his mouth twice before simply squeezing his eyes shut. He was shaking too, she realized. After a moment he opened his eyes and stared at his shoes. "That was uncalled for, Asuka."

"Yeah?" she wondered, hearing her voice rise to a shout. _Noble Shinji, keeping his temper in the face of the sharp truth. Wise old Shinji, trying to show me up again. _"How's _this _for uncalled for?" she asked, slapping him full across the face; he staggered sideways, clutching his cheek in shock. "You know what? I don't care! You don't even care either, since you can just run and cry to your doll!"

Shinji abandoned his cheek, glaring at her once more with loathing in his eyes. "She's a _friend_, Asuka! That's what friends do. You wouldn't know a friend if one bit you in the ass!"

"You don't have a clue what I know!" she countered, hearing her own shrill voice echoing back to her off the walls. "You don't know anything, you stupid... you little... I hate you! I hate you both!" Snapping her jaw shut, she shouldered past him and stalked towards the test plugs.

Once she rounded a corner, concealed from where she knew Shinji was still staring after her, she leaned against the wall, trying to control her shaking. Her eyes ached, stinging, but she bit her cheek as hard as she could, giving herself a more mundane sort of pain to focus on, one more easily dominated. _Such an idiot_, she sighed, uncertain whom the thought referred to. _How dare he speak to me like that? Like he knows better? Touji and Kensuke are the only friends he's had in his life!_

Spinning, snarling, she punched the wall with all her might, then drew her fist back and did it again. Again. Again, until her knuckles split and bled.

Spent, she stared numbly at the webs of blood now lining her hand. After a moment she continued on towards the test plugs, towards the machines NERV would use to study her mind, to humiliate her again.

* * *

Misato stood wearily in the command box, staring without seeing at the results of the ongoing synchronization test. Numbers and figures appeared and disappeared, some scrolling briefly before winking out, but it was all a blur to her eyes. 

_Ryouji_. He'd known. Known he was going to die, of course, and hadn't said anything about it. _Secrets until the very end. How very like you, old friend. I still don't know whose side you were on, or who killed you. I doubt I ever will; you would have made certain it stayed that way. The ever-mysterious Ryouji Kaji._

Sighing, she blinked heavy eyes, willing them not to stay closed. NERV was not the sort of organization to offer a personal leave policy for grief, to say the least, and even if they had, explaining her reasons would have been awkward. _Did you ever love me? I doubt it. Even as skilled a liar as you couldn't bring yourself to say it._

"There's human blood in Asuka's test plug." Maya's voice jolted her out of her reverie. "She's bleeding."

Misato shook herself, glancing around, realizing that twenty minutes had passed since the last time she saw the clock on the wall. _Pull yourself together, woman_. "Bleeding?" she repeated, bringing her attention to focus on the task at hand. "It could be that time of..."

"No, her hand," corrected Maya. "Look." Fingers danced on the keyboard, and Asuka's view on the main screen shifted to a broader perspective, one showing tendrils of crimson blood trailing from a punished right hand, disappearing into the surrounding LCL, so like blood itself. Some looked to have crusted on her skin already. The Second Child's face darkened; perhaps she sensed the camera's wandering attention.

"Her scores are atrocious," murmured Ritsuko, glancing down at the scrolling results. "She's below Rei today. Well below." She paused, frowning. "Even Shinji is down. Rei's up a point, though."

"Stop the presses," muttered Misato, frowning at the redhead on the screen. "Is she dragging him down, do you suppose?"

"How could she not?" wondered Ritsuko blandly. "They're both stuffed into that apartment of yours."

Misato scowled at the screen, wishing the other woman would stop with the needles about her living situation. _Would she prefer if Asuka lived by herself?_ she wondered. _The girl who needs all the attention, living alone? Great idea, Ritsuko_. "Can we even use her like this?"

"She can still sync with Unit-02 at this rate," answered the scientist. "Her abilities will be limited, but serviceable."

"Is there any way we can... cheer her up?" Misato chewed a lip, thinking. "Maybe there's someone in Germany we can fly here to talk to her."

Ritsuko chuckled quietly, retrieving her coffee mug from Maya's desk. "It's not as simple as happiness, Misato," she explained, her voice low and musical. "Look at Shinji. Though I've never tested him for it specifically, I'd venture that he's clinically depressed. And yet his sync rates are usually quite good because, in the Eva, he can let everything go. He has a low self-image, little keeping him in the here and now."

"And Rei's any different?" snorted Misato.

Ritsuko shrugged dismissively and bent to inspect another screen. "Rei lacks the imagination to do better. The passion." She sounded bored, distracted.

Misato slid her eyes to regard the woman who'd been her friend in college before staring back at the three pilots. "Any reason you didn't divulge all of that before?" she asked quietly.

"It never came up."

Sighing, she rubbed her eyes, wishing for a beer. "Thanks so much."

* * *

Rei lay on her back on the floor, arms and legs spread as she gazed at the ceiling. The fuzzy rug in the room's center was soft against her exposed skin. Soft and pleasant. That was unexpected; she had never thought that something as simple as a texture could have such an effect on her, could be so pleasurable. What else was there like that, what hidden joys yet to be discovered? 

_Perhaps the rug is pleasant because it came from Shinji_, she reflected. _When he comes here, I can ask him._ He would come, she knew; he had suggested it, and would therefore come. Or at least he had not yet failed to do so.

Briefly she closed her eyes, relishing the faint breeze stirring odd strands of her hair. She had seldom opened the windows before Shinji had purchased the clings still hanging on them, plastic things leaving long colored shadows across the floor, distended rainbows and butterflies.

As she lay there, colors and lines shifting along with the sun outside, rapid footsteps approached from the apartment hallway. They grew quickly louder until a familiar knock sounded from the door. "Rei?" came Shinji's muffled voice through it. "I'm here."

She exhaled contentedly, closing her eyes again as the door creaked open and closed. "I am glad you are here," she greeted truthfully.

"So am I, Rei," answered Shinji, his voice somehow tight. Whispering sounds announced him removing his shoes.

"Are you troubled?" she asked without opening her eyes. "You sound different."

He sighed, shuffling quietly towards where she lay. After a moment he moved again, garments shifting to suggest he was laying himself on the floor behind her, his head next to her own, almost ear to ear. "Yeah, I'm not surprised. I tried to run here, but it's hot, and... anyway, Misato kept me after the test for a while to ask me about Asuka."

Rei frowned, opening her eyes again. Indeed, a sideways glance showed her Shinji's own face as he gazed likewise ceilingward. "What about her?"

"Didn't you hear?" he murmured without looking at her. "We had... an argument this morning, before the test. She must have punched something later, and her hand was hurt. That's probably why our scores were down too."

"Why did you argue?" The two argued often, as far as she had observed; what made this incident special?

Shinji sighed again. "She was trying to figure out what was happening between you and me. She thought we were... thought we were dating, and I told her we weren't. She didn't believe me, and was asking why we were friends, and... I don't know. It got worse, and she slapped me and said... she hated me. Hated both of us."

"Shinji." The word escaped her lips before she could stop it. "I'm sorry."

"It's not that big of a deal," he shrugged; his shoulders scraped quietly along the floor behind her head and to the side. "I mean... well, I don't know. Maybe it was. I wanted to hit her."

"You should not strike Pilot Sohryu," instructed Rei.

"I know," he chuckled.

She did not answer, and a silence fell between them. Rei lay motionless, enjoying the colored sunlight, enjoying Shinji's company, but a question surfaced in her mind. He had addressed a topic of interest to her.

"Shinji," she murmured. "We aren't dating, are we?"

"I don't think so," he answered slowly. "I... I don't have a lot of experience there, so I'm not the... I don't think we are."

She considered this for a moment. "Dating means sleeping together, right?"

He swallowed audibly. "Like I said," he replied weakly, "I'm not the best person to ask, but I think... sometimes. People can date without that, or have that without dating. Though I think that's more rare."

"But they often go together," she pressed.

"Yeah. Probably more often for older people."

She nodded slightly. "Then I am glad we are not dating. I would not want for us to become unhappy."

Shinji was silent for a long time before speaking again. "What do you mean?"

Rei frowned. "From what I have seen, sexual relationships do not bring happiness to the participants."

"Well, they're... wait." He turned his head slightly to face her. "Who do you know who's in one?"

She did the same, gazing into his upside-down eyes. "The Commander and Doctor Akagi."

He jerked in startlement. "My father and _Ritsuko_?" he breathed. "That's... gah. I don't want to think about that."

A sudden thought occurred to her. "I'm uncertain that I was supposed to tell you that," she admitted.

"I won't tell anyone," he vowed, grimacing. "I'd forget it if I could."

She nodded, shifting her attention back to the ceiling. "Thank you."

"Yeah."

Another breeze ruffled Rei's hair and garments, and again she closed her eyes to enjoy the sensation. For a moment she simply thought, fitting this new information from Shinji into what she had seen at NERV and at school. As she did so, another question floated up from somewhere. "Have you ever dated?"

"No." His voice was quiet. "Though Asuka kissed me once," he added.

Rei frowned. "That seems unlike her," she ventured.

"You could say that," he agreed. "She said it was just because she was bored, but who does that? I don't know. Anyway, she's too... too... I don't think I could ever date her. I didn't even kiss her back, though I think that's because I couldn't breathe."

"I see."

"Yeah." He exhaled slowly, perhaps gathering his thoughts. "You're supposed to want to be closer to the people you date," he continued softly; she guessed he was thinking out loud, rather than addressing her specifically. "You're supposed to love them, and they're supposed to make you happy. That's how it's supposed to work."

She nodded to herself, waiting for a time, but he did not continue. "You did not enjoy her kiss."

"It, uh... not as such." She could hear him swallow again. "It was... I don't know. It was nice to have someone do that, I guess, but not like that. And not her either, really. Though at the time, she wasn't as bad as she is now."

_Not like that_, nodded Rei._ Not her. Otherwise it would make him happy._ Pushing herself up to her elbows, she rolled to her side, watching his eyes spring open, and pressed her lips gently to his.

* * *

For the second time in his life Shinji was paralyzed with another's lips on his own. Half of his mind had shuddered to a halt, while the other half whirred madly. _Rei's kissing me? Rei?_

As she was still upside-down to his view he closed his eyes, replacing the sight of her chin and neck with blackness. His shock gradually faded, allowing a number of observations to filter into his awareness. Rei's kiss was not like Asuka's; it was gentle rather than dominating, for one thing, almost timid, as though she were afraid of pressing too hard against him lest she scare him away. Her lips weren't moving, like her head just happened to be resting on his own with their mouths touching.

After a moment she pulled back. Liquid red eyes blinked at him seriously, very close to his own. "Was that better than the one she gave you?" Her voice, soft and near, was a breathy whisper.

"Better?" he whispered back. "Yeah. Way better. But..." He fell into silence, wondering how to explain his reservations. _Does she even know what a kiss is supposed to mean? Does she understand what she's doing?_

Rei nodded minutely. "That is good." She stared him in the eye a moment longer, then lowered her face for another kiss.

Shinji closed his eyes again, finding himself unable to move. _This is Rei_, he reminded himself anxiously._ She's a friend. She's just a friend!_

Before he could get much farther on that train of thought, Rei shifted her attention, kissing the corner of his lips, then the center, pausing now and then to breathe warmly against his cheeks. His resistance stumbled. Her lips were feathers against his own, her skin smooth as glass and cool despite the heat. She smelled of LCL, of blood, even after showering, but so did he. _This is Rei._

Eventually she withdrew once more and he opened his eyes, blinking at the ceiling. Rustling cloth announced her moving about to lay beside him on the floor, only right-side-up this time. Her face quickly filled his vision again, her nose centimeters from his own, short bluish hair tickling his face. "Shinji," she murmured.

He swallowed. "That's me," he managed weakly, smiling.

Rei smiled as well, choking the words right out of his throat, and kissed him again. Gentle fingers explored his face, traced the contours of his cheekbones and eyebrows. Her lips were insistent now, warm, teasing.

Shinji floated where he lay, lost. _This... this is what a kiss is supposed to feel like,_ he decided foggily. _But it's... it's Rei. A friend._

When she pulled away again, a puzzled expression touched her face, delicate wrinkles in her forehead. "Are you not supposed to kiss me back?" she whispered. "I thought... I thought this would make you happy."

"It does," he answered honestly, breathlessly, "but it..." The words died in his mouth as he stared up at her face, as he saw what was there. Her eyes were tight with worry, but there was something else in them, something open and relaxed, something he'd seen written there many times before in his dreams, in the Eva. Affection. Longing.

She knew. She understood.

She wanted it. Would be hurt if she did not get it.

His heart melted helplessly. Lifting his head from the floor, he kissed her as firmly as he dared, tickling his tongue awkwardly past her perfect teeth. In response she leaned towards him, planting hands on either side of his head, breasts pressed against his ribs, mouth hungry on his own.

_This is Rei_, he reminded himself warmly. Worming his arms around her middle, he pulled her tighter against him, snaking one hand up to comb fingers through her feathery hair. She settled fluidly into him, breathing heavily now, lips hot, skin cool.

He quickly lost track of time, but eventually Rei pulled her face away and buried it in his neck. Shinji stared at the ceiling wide-eyed. He was shaking, he realized. She was too, little shivers rolling occasionally from her body as she lay comfortably against his side.

_I can't believe that just happened_, he decided once his mind had pieced itself back together. _With Rei. She's... kinda feisty,_ he realized, smiling faintly; she exhaled heavily against him as though in answer to his thoughts. Absently he lifted the arm she was lying on and squeezed her shoulder, running a hand down firm uniform-covered curves to the small of her back. _This is nice. Warm._

"I enjoyed that," managed Rei breathily after a moment, speaking into his neck. Soft lips planted another kiss on his skin.

"Yeah," he agreed hoarsely. Heat swirled inside, tightening his hand briefly on her waist. He wanted more, he realized, wanted to kiss her again, to feel her heat matching his own. _But she's the one who stopped it last time_, he recalled uncertainly. _Maybe she doesn't want more right now._

As he pondered this, Rei lifted her head, almost sleepily, and rolled back to her side, facing him. Though she said nothing, her eyes spoke volumes as they had before, looking as happy as he'd ever seen them.

He smiled, then blinked; something about seeing her like that, head on her folded elbow, struck him as too good, too perfect. Reality snapped back into place, the rest of his life crashing back where it belonged, destroying his mood. "I... should go," he decided with a sigh, almost a groan. "I don't want Asuka trying to cook for herself. I don't trust her around fire right now."

Rei nodded her understanding. "You will come back here tomorrow with me," she murmured. It was not a question.

He chuckled silently. "I know." Shaking his head at the strangeness of it all, he pushed himself up and shuffled to the door, where he found and slipped into his shoes. Fortunately, not having been to school today, he had no backpack to carry through the city on his way home.

Once his shoes were tied, he straightened and turned back to Rei. She'd barely moved, lying there with a tiny smile curving her lips, eyes radiant with a personal glow he supposed was just for him now. With two fingers she was touching her lips, moving slowly as though remembering where he'd kissed her.

Swallowing, he offered her one last smile and left. Once in the hallway he sagged against the wall, puffing cheeks out as he exhaled forcefully, wondering if she had any idea what her body language had been telling him as he departed. _Who knows?_

Giving himself a shake, he started down the hallway, barely seeing the now-familiar route drift past him as he walked._ I still can't... that was nice, but I can't risk losing her. Without her I'd fall apart._ He frowned in concern, but the memory of her eyes, full of unashamed affection, reassured him, dispelling his worries.

Late afternoon sunlight angled into his eyes as he stepped out of the apartment building and began the walk home. He could still feel her lips on his, her hair on his face._ That was insane. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't left._ Ignoring the sudden temptation to turn around, he gritted his teeth and kept moving.

_Are we a thing now?_ The question seemed silly, and perhaps a little belated, popping out of nowhere. _I can ask her tomorrow when we get there. If I can remember, with all the kissing. _He snorted, shaking his head. _No, I can't get carried away._

He forced himself to calm down, walking alone through the empty sunlit streets, towards an apartment that would likely be just as empty, no matter how many people might actually be in it. The thought of being in the same place as Asuka after what had happened in the morning twisted his stomach like a knife. _She's not going to be happy I was gone again,_ he realized with a grimace. _I wonder if she'll be able to tell we kissed_. If worst came to worst, he decided, he could simply barricade himself in his room until she was done shouting at him. _Maybe I'll call Rei._

Sighing, he thrust hands into his pockets as he rounded a corner, the stoplights there glowing sternly and patiently for the carless street. The walk from Rei's apartment was not a bad one without his backpack and notebook weighing him down.

_I__ wonder if she'd let me touch her._ The thought was a new one, the confidence behind it foreign to him, seeming almost manic. _Under the shirt, maybe? She might go for that. She..._

He paused, stopping in his tracks, abruptly recalling the first time he'd been in her apartment. _I... guess I've already done that. It must not be that big of a deal to her. _Frowning vaguely, he examined his open hand for a moment, then continued on.

When he reached Misato's apartment, the shoes on the mat told him that only Asuka was home, though the place was totally silent. Suddenly tired, he filled a glass with cold water and wandered into the hallway. His roommate had holed up in her room again, he saw, with one of her usual warnings scrawled almost illegibly on the whiteboard on her door.

Not even bothering to roll his eyes, he sipped from his water and stepped back into the kitchen. His apron went quickly over his clothes, and in moments he was cooking. It was easy to lose himself in the heat, in the hissing of boiling water, in smooth and practiced movements. Cooking was one thing he considered himself genuinely good at, something peaceful, a thing he could do for others. Others like Asuka, if it would make her talk to him.

Before long he turned off the burners and carried a pot of sukiyaki to the table. While it steamed there gently he set a pair of place settings, then shuffled reluctantly down the hall.

With a single knuckle he rapped on her door. "Asuka? Food's ready."

Silence answered him.

Sighing, he returned to the kitchen. Choosing one of the settings at random, he threw himself into the chair and began to eat, alone.

* * *

"Look at that dumbass. Two dumbasses." 

Hikari suppressed a sigh as she swallowed a mouthful of rice. She did not need to follow her friend's gaze to see the subject of her displeasure, but she did so anyway. There, down on the grass below the roof where the two of them sat, lay Shinji and Rei. The two pilots had already finished their lunches, it seemed, and now sat leaning up against a thick tree, apparently relishing the shade.

_I wouldn't mind some shade right about now either, _decided Hikari wryly. She had suggested it earlier, but Asuka had to sit in the sun, on the very top of the roof, where she could survey all the other students below her. _Like a cat._

"They're not dumbasses, Asuka," she answered, turning her attention back to her bento. "What's wrong with them eating there?"

The other girl wrinkled her lips in brief consideration. "I don't care where they eat," she decided loftily, "as long as it's not together."

"What?" Hikari's food paused halfway to her mouth. "Why?"

Asuka glanced at her in surprise, perhaps not realizing she'd voiced the last thought out loud. Shortly, however, her gaze slid back through the railing at the pair under the tree. "They're creepy," she answered sourly. "She doesn't have a soul and he doesn't have any balls. If you put them together, you might get a whole person. Maybe."

Deciding not to address that observation, Hikari took a sip of her juice, the container already growing warm in the midday sunlight. "Well, I don't mind. I think they make a cute couple."

Snorting loudly, Asuka shook her head. "He says it's not like that," she muttered, "but he's probably lying. Who would be friends with her? There's nothing inside her."

_He probably got tired of trying to be friends with you,_ countered Hikari silently, ashamed at the thought. "You know," she murmured instead, "Rei used to eat alone, and Shinji used to eat with us, until you drove him off."

Cold blue German eyes shifted to meet hers. "If you had to put up with all his crap," she replied crisply, "you'd hate him too. We're better off without him up here anyway. Trust me."

"Fine," conceded Hikari, taking another bite of her bento. _What's with her lately?_

Asuka toyed with her own lunch briefly, one that Shinji had made for her, pushing things around without eating. Quickly, though, her gaze shifted back to where it had started, where it had been during most of lunchtime, staring wordlessly at the two pilots sitting in the shade of a tree.


	7. Chapter 7: Rain, Flames And Hunger

_But the proud sinner, in word or deed,  
That will not Justice heed,  
Nor reverence the shrine  
Of images divine,  
Perdition seize his vain imaginings,  
If, urged by greed profane,  
He grasps at ill-got gain,  
And lays an impious hand on holiest things.  
Who when such deeds are done  
Can hope heaven's bolts to shun?  
If sin like this to honor can aspire  
Why dance I still and lead the sacred choir?_

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Seven: Rain, Flames And Hunger

As the school bell rang, announcing the end of the day, Shinji jerked awake. Hikari's sharp voice called for everyone to rise and bow, and clumsily, blinking away sleep, he did so. A dozen chattering conversations instantly sprang up among the students in his class as people stood and stretched. The old teacher paused in midword at the front of the class, blinking vaguely as though surprised to find it so late already.

_I can't sleep in class so much,_ decided Shinji, slowly packing away his things. _My grades are going to get even worse than they are now._ _Not that anyone but maybe Misato would care._

The room was already half-empty by the time he started for the door. Asuka had already left, he noted with relief; doubtless she wanted to avoid him as much as possible. If so, he would not complain.

Rei was waiting for him in the hallway, face blank, red eyes reserved. She was like this at school, and for that matter everywhere in public. He understood completely, having no wish to let everyone else know what was going on between them. Whatever it was.

Giving her a wordless nod, he gripped his backpack straps and headed for the exits, waiting for her to accompany him. She did so silently, keeping her gaze straight ahead.

No one paid them a second glance as they followed in the wake of the other students. A warm breeze ruffled his hair as soon as he stepped outside, and above, lumpy grey clouds threatened rare rain. As they trotted down the school's steps he kept a cautious eye on the sky, wondering if it would be storming when they headed to Shitamachi later. He didn't particularly care if he got rained on, but he'd noticed that girls tended to worry about it. Though Rei, he reflected, probably wouldn't care either. _Still, I wonder if she has an umbrella._

In companionable silence they made their way towards her apartment. Though he felt comfortable in her company, he still had little confidence in making successful small talk. Which, again, probably did not matter to Rei. _She's perfect for m_e, he realized with a chuckle.

"Pilot Sohryu," she began quietly as they waited for a stoplight, "was watching us at lunch."

"I know," he sighed. He'd tried to ignore her perched up there on top of the school with Hikari.

"Do you know why?"

"No clue," he admitted. "She didn't say a word to me last night."

The light changed, and they resumed their walk to her apartment. Cicadas buzzed in the distance, a droning song.

Silence reigned until they reached her door. Rei did not look at him as she twisted the knob and entered, and he followed a step behind.

Once inside, he removed his shoes and backpack slowly, watching his companion, wondering if she would leap on him and start kissing once isolated from the world outside, like in the movies, but this proved not to be the case. Instead Rei ignored him, walking silently to the center of her room and sitting there, then blinking as though confused that he was still standing in the doorway.

Smiling ruefully, Shinji joined her there, seating himself beside her. "You've kept the place clean," he observed, glancing around. At some point she had even cleaned the bathroom without him, removing what must have been years' worth of soap scum from the bottom of the tub.

Rei nodded. "I did not want to trouble you," she explained, turning her face away.

He eyed her for a moment. "Is... is something wrong?"

She turned back again, red eyes meeting his. "You seem uncomfortable."

Shinji shrugged uncertainly, tearing his gaze from hers. "You seem... different from yesterday," he pointed out. "I don't know why, or if I'm imagining it, or what."

"Different how?"

"More... distant?" he guessed. "Like I said, I can't really tell."

She remained silent for a time next to him. "It was not my intent to behave any differently," she replied. "If it is causing you distress, I apologize."

He shrugged, dismissing the matter. Something in the kitchen area caught his attention, a pair of plastic grocery bags sitting on the counter, wrinkled. "Did you decide what you wanted to do for dinner?"

Clothes ruffled as she shifted to follow his gaze. "Yes."

He waited for more, then smiled. "What did you decide on?"

"I liked your stir-fry idea," she answered. "Last night I bought vegetables for that purpose."

Nodding, he glanced at her, then beyond her, towards the window. Visible through the slatted blinds were the menacing clouds he'd seen earlier, perhaps darker than before. The window clings he'd selected for her seemed incongruously cheerful against the foreboding background. "I'm concerned it might rain," he murmured. "Do you want to eat early and go to Shitamachi before it storms?" _Not that we could eat and get there quickly enough anyway_, he realized.

"If it rains, there will be fewer people," she countered. "We can wait, if you'd like."

"Oh, good point." He had no love of crowds, and Rei certainly felt the same.

"So we have some time now," she continued. "Time to spare."

Something in her voice drew his eyes back to her. She was facing him full-on, he saw, watching him intently. They had not turned any lights on upon arriving, so the violet pre-storm twilight left her in relative darkness, a common shadow that somehow conveyed intimacy despite her innocent expression. She did not blink or look away under his scrutiny.

"Oh," he acknowledged after a moment. His heart began to race as though set off by an official's pistol. "Yeah. True."

Rei reached out to touch his elbow gently, a silent question that was echoed on her face. Shinji nodded, answering what he assumed she was asking, and slipped an arm around her back. She melted into him, arms twining around his neck, drawing his face into hers for a heated kiss.

Squeezing her tightly against him, he returned her affection eagerly, boiling away the day's tension with a pair of warm lips he knew and trusted. After a moment he nuzzled her face to one side and began planting kisses down her jawline and neck. Rei's rapid breath was a hot whisper in his ear, and when she began kissing him back, he could feel teeth on his lips, not hard enough to cause pain.

Eventually she pushed him gently back, then let him go, scooting backwards along the floor until she rested against the side of the bed. Shinji followed, getting himself comfortable before wrapping arms around her again. Distant thunder rumbled through the windows as her tongue sought his own. She was living flame in his arms, meeting his passion with a matching heat, warming him everywhere.

Some time later, she pulled back, wiping the back of her hand absently across her mouth. "Do you enjoy this?" she asked softly. "I feared that you did not, in the beginning."

"When, yesterday?" At her tight nod, he frowned. _How to explain?_ "I do enjoy it," he answered truthfully. "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me." Rei's face did not change at this, but he sensed she was pleased. "But I'm... I don't know. It's still new, you know?"

"New?" she frowned.

"Yeah. I mean, apart from the one time with Asuka, I've never done any of this." He paused, ordering his thoughts while she waited. "I'm still trying to figure it out, trying to get used to it."

Rei tilted her head. "What is there to get used to?" she wondered. "I enjoy kissing you, and you enjoy kissing me."

"That's true," he acknowledged with a weak smile. There was more, however, something he wasn't certain was worth mentioning; he still thought of her primarily as a friend, someone to hang out with, to eat with, to talk to. Only now she was a friend he kissed. A friend who, unless he was wildly wrong, might eventually want to do more than kiss him. _Is she the same as a girlfriend? _he wondered. _A lover? It seems strange somehow. _Perhaps, he reflected, it was only because none of the guys at the school seemed to think of girlfriends as regular friends. _Whatever. It's Rei._

Rei was still watching him, he saw, red eyes shifting minutely this way and that as she read his face. Eventually she nodded, leaning in to let her head thump against his shoulder.

He kissed her hair, throwing an arm around her shoulders. She said nothing, and neither did he, as the distant thunder grew nearer and a steady wash of rain began to murmur against the windows.

Much later, she stirred, lifting herself from his chest. "I am growing hungry," she declared softly.

"Me too," he admitted. "I'll start dinner." Rising, he smiled down at her and trotted into the kitchen area, where he began to rummage through her supplies. She'd picked up eggplant, he saw, as well as a few kinds of peppers and some water chestnuts. _That'll do._

Quickly he set to work, chopping up what he wanted to use, discarding stems and seeds, preparing the sauce. While the rice boiled he fried the vegetables, and before long he was done. _That was easy._

Finished product in hand, he turned around, only now realizing that Rei did not possess a table. She solved the problem for him, plucking the bowl from his hands and dividing it into two smaller ones, while after a moment he filled two glasses with water.

They ate on the floor, watching rain stream down the windows outside in the flashing darkness. Eventually the lightning and thunder moved on, leaving only the rainfall, persistent and unchanging.

When they'd finished, he washed dishes quickly while she stood back and watched him without speaking. Though it felt a little odd at first, he didn't particularly mind, and he enjoyed having her near even if he was working. At his suggestion she rummaged through some things in a corner and produced an umbrella, black and stark, but serviceable.

Feeling a little silly heading out into the pouring rain just for a walk somewhere, Shinji smiled uncertainly at her. Together they stepped out into the hallway. The walk to the train station would not be a long one.

* * *

The rain grew neither stronger nor weaker as they roamed the city. Rei had never seen Shitamachi before, never even heard of it until Shinji had mentioned it, but he explained it to her as they walked. Based on a district of the same name in the original Tokyo, it boasted little traditional-style buildings, intended to be a counterpoint to Tokyo-3's dominating steel skyline. 

The place, Rei reflected as they walked through it, was interesting enough, though she suspected she did not understand its appeal fully. Though the buildings looked old, like something from history, none were any older than Tokyo-3 itself, of course, built over pre-Impact Hakone. It occurred to her as they walked that the district was, in some respects, a lie; old-looking shops stood just meters above Tokyo-3's unforgiving mechanical infrastructure, next to houses and gardens that all fit into rigid lot sizes or a shrine designed by GEHIRN engineers. Shinji seemed to sense this too, as he smiled less frequently as they evening passed.

_It is artifice_, decided Rei at one point as they walked passed a souvenir stand, fractured raindrops bouncing to prick her legs from the street surface below. _But pretty artifice. There is no other place in the city like it._

They spoke little on the way back, and the train ride elapsed in smooth electric silence. Shinji held the umbrella as they walked to her apartment.

When they got there, she was chilled despite the day's heat. Pausing just inside the door, she bent to pull off her rain-damp socks. She was about to continue, but belatedly recalled that Shinji had seemed uncomfortable with nudity._ Though perhaps that is different now?_ After a moment's hesitation she decided against it, letting her hands drop from the still-buttoned waistline of her uniform. Shinji was watching out of the corners of his eyes, an odd expression on his face.

Turning her back on him, she stepped to the bed and sat on its edge, folding hands in her lap. "Did you enjoy that?" she asked softly, watching him. Rain still beat a soft rhythm against the closed windows, darkness outside matching the unlit dimness inside.

"I did," he enthused, wrestling with the umbrella before leaving it sit against the wall to dry. After a moment he shuffled to where she sat, depositing himself with a smile onto he floor next to her legs.

Rei frowned at the top of his head, then at the empty space beside her. "You may sit next to me, if you wish."

"Oh, I... yeah." In the darkness she thought faint color touched his cheeks as he stood and plopped down on the mattress beside her. The sudden weight shifted her slightly into his side.

Without thinking Rei set a hand on his arm, summoning his attention, drawing his eyes to hers. "Do you know more city districts like that?"

He chewed a lip in apparent thought. "Not really. I mean, just the ones everyone else knows. I haven't been here all that long."

She nodded once in response, realizing with faint surprise that she'd lived in Tokyo-3 her entire life and knew much less about it than Shinji, who'd lived there for months. _I have never thought to wonder about it._ Her thumb moved of its own accord, gently caressing Shinji's arm. "We should do things like that more often," she decided. She enjoyed learning from him, about things she knew but did not know. Furthermore, it gave him an opportunity to teach, to be in a position of mild authority, something she sensed was new to him; seeing him expand to fill that authority, watching him grow, was likewise something she expected would continue to please her.

"Yeah, it was fun," he agreed, watching her still-moving thumb. "We don't get chances to just... wander, very often."

Rei nodded again. When he did not add anything further, she lifted the arm she was touching and put it around herself.

Shinji understood, of course, and replied by drawing her in for a kiss, which she returned firmly. Her hands slid up his chest, finding the sides of his head and pulling it close for more. His tongue explored her mouth as his hands roamed her back.

_Yes,_ she sighed into his ear as he began to kiss down her neck again._ This is what I want. This is right._ The intimate darkness in the apartment, the rain outside, soothed her, relaxed her, whispered encouragement. Letting her eyes slide mostly shut, she slid her mouth back to Shinji's, found one of his hands, and placed it against her right breast.

It took her a moment to realize that he'd frozen. Exhaling against his cheek, she released his hand immediately but continued to kiss him.

Shinji didn't move. Didn't kiss back.

"What is wrong?" she whispered between kisses. "Have I made a mistake?"

"Rei," he breathed, his voice hoarse. "You... no. I'm just... I don't... I don't know."

Pausing with her lips against his jawline, she blinked, then drew back to study his face. He was staring back her wide-eyed, breathing fast, pupils dilated in the thin illumination of the streetlights outside. "Shinji," she murmured, touching his cheek, "what is the problem?"

Seeming to realize he was still touching her, he jerked his hand back, fingers rubbing absently against his palm. "There... _is _no problem," he answered slowly, as though reasoning through it aloud. "There is no problem. This is something I've wanted."

When he fell silent, she shifted on the bed, waiting. _There is more._

Eventually he sighed, staring at his lap. "It seems surreal, somehow. I mean, you don't know how happy this all makes me, but it's just so... so _fast_. I mean, just last week we weren't even... and now we're..." He trailed off, swallowing audibly. "I don't feel good," he decided in a shaky whisper, swinging his legs back over the side of the bed, dropping his head to his hands and breathing heavily.

Rei watched him with concern. "Shinji... I'm sorry." _Did I hurt him?_

"Don't be," he pleaded weakly. "It was just sudden and unexpected, and I just got a little... well, it sounds stupid, but I got a little afraid."

She sighed, sliding arms around his shoulders, drawing him close in what she hoped would be a comforting hug. "There is no reason to fear," she murmured soothingly, rubbing his arms and shoulders. "I am here. I will protect you. We will wait, if that is what you need."

"Maybe," he allowed, shaking his head. "My stomach is just..." Grimacing, he straightened, dropping hands to his lap. "I should probably go, before something gets even worse. A walk in the rain might help settle me."

Rei nodded, standing as he did, accompanying him towards the door. His steps were slow; she wondered if he really wanted to leave. Once he finished donning his shoes, she touched his shoulder lightly. "Shinji, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he implored again, this time more firmly. Blue eyes met her own through the darkness. "If you hadn't done what you did, I might have anyway, and then we'd still be here."

Doubtful but relieved, she stepped back. Shinji gave her a small smile, apologetic in character, and bent to grab his backpack. "I'll come over tomorrow, then?" he suggested, adjusting straps on his shoulders.

"Yes," she agreed quietly. Shuffling forward, she gave him a lingering kiss, then watched as he slipped out the door, closing it behind him.

_He's... gone_. For long moments she stood there, staring at the door. It was late, she knew, and there would be school in the morning, though only a half-day. It was good that he had left; he needed sleep, still, and would not get it kissing her. _So why did I want him to stay? And for how long?_

Frowning, she wandered back to her bed, pausing to strip out of her uniform and toss it in a laundry basket. Flopping onto the sheets, head on her pillow, she stared at the ceiling and began to think. And wait.

The waiting was still a part of life, part of her, but now there was something different about it; instead of waiting to die, she waited to see Shinji again. Though she would eventually still have to die, of course, it seemed likely she'd see him before it happened, so he was what drew her attention. Not that he wouldn't have anyway.

_Shinji_. Sighing, she stretched out on the bed, then folded hands over her stomach. Lines of rain streaming down the window caught the streetlights' feeble issue.

She wanted him back, she decided, wanted him with her right now. _Caring Shinji. Here in the dark with me. _If he was still upset she could soothe him, settle his agitation. She enjoyed that; he came to her for solace, for reinforcement, for praise, and she enjoyed giving him what he needed. She wanted him to be happy, would do nearly anything to make him so; his companionship would be worth it. He was a glowing point of warmth, a torch keeping at bay what she now suspected was a lifetime's worth of loneliness behind her. _Strange that I never noticed it before_. Even if there were no kissing involved, she decided, she would still feel the same.

Not, however, that she would give up his kisses, she reflected. It was strange; she had expected it to be a simple thing. Kissing him made him happy, and him kissing her back made her happy, and that should have been the end of it. What she had not expected was the heat growing within, getting stronger each time, aching to quicken and burn. When she kissed him, it manifested in strange places and in strange forms, a rapid pulse in her throat, a strange... itch... inside, a hunger she could not put a name to. A command against which she knew no defenses.

She felt it now, she realized; before she knew it, her fingers brushed cotton and her eyes sprang open, though what they saw was not the ceiling. It was Shinji. Shinji's weakness to be fortified, his pain to be soothed. Shinji's hands. Shinji's lips, his breath in her ears, his fingers running through her hair. Shinji's heat. Shinji's need.

Rei's fingers, her warm secret. Rei's parting lips. Rei's shivering pleasure.

* * *

Asuka woke instantly at the sound of the apartment door unlocking. Raising her head from the pillow at the end of the futon, she blinked for a moment before realizing she was still in the living room. Vaguely she could remember watching some stupid news show before falling asleep, but now there seemed to be a movie on, or at least the television screen showed her a group of men on motorcycles chasing another on a giraffe through crowded city streets. 

The door opened, admitting a very wet Shinji, still in his school clothes, backpack on his back. Asuka frowned at him briefly before jerking her gaze back to the movie with a scowl. _Is he just getting home from school now? Why is...?_ Belatedly her eyes sought and found a clock and her scowl deepened. _Almost eleven. He's turning into Misato._

Once inside Shinji just stood there. Whatever he was doing, she could not tell, though she sensed he was not watching her. At least she could not feel eyes on her.

After a long moment she chanced a quick sideways glance, but her roommate was just standing in place, the expression on his face suggesting he was deep in thought._ Probably wondering how to untie his shoes._ With effort she cleared her face.

Eventually he shook himself. "Asuka? Do you have a few minutes?"

_Do I? I've been here alone all night, idiot. Do you think I was waiting here just to answer some question for you? _Keeping her face impassive, she watched the movie as though she hadn't heard him speak. The hero had evaded the men chasing him, and was now speaking to some beautiful woman in what looked to be a bank lobby.

"_I was so worried for you, Hiroshi. What happened_?"

"_Got caught in traffic, dearest._"

"_I'm serious._"

"_So am I. You wouldn't believe how rude rush-hour commuters can be._"

"Asuka?"

"_You know, I didn't think you'd tell me. You never tell me anything. Secrets are your blood, your very breath._"

"_How often I have thought the same of you, dearest. Your soul is as full of locks and vaults as this very building._"

"_You know it's hard for me. I was waiting for you._"

"Fine. Ignore me." Sighing angrily, Shinji kicked off his shoes and strode down the hallway towards his room, out of view.

"_I... don't suppose I could borrow your phone, love? I need to call a cab._"

Lips tight, Asuka retrieved the remote from under her knee and turned the television off. _What happened with that idiot now? Probably tried to feel Rei up and she kicked him out._ She frowned for a moment, considering that._ No, he didn't look miserable enough. Just thoughtful._

Abruptly she scowled. _Why do I care? Shinji's fine. Shinji is always fine. He's not weak like other humans._ Standing, she stalked to her room and slammed the door. Hunger burned in her belly, but there was no way she was going to address that particular need now.

Quickly changing into pajamas, she crawled into bed and hugged the pillow to herself. _Why is he such an asshole? Hanging out with Wondergirl, skipping out on dinner, stumbling home late and then thinking I'm going to have some girly chat with him. Not everyone's a doll, Shinji. Some people live on their own schedules and do what they want, and it's not always what you want._

Gritting teeth soon gave her a headache to compete with her gnawing stomach. Sleep did not find her for some time.

When her alarm woke her the next morning, Shinji was already up, apparently in the shower. Misato had returned at some point during the night, she saw, but had not yet risen. Absently she wondered what took up so much of the woman's time now that it apparently wasn't Kaji. _Whatever. She'll just say it's work if I ask her. Probably is, too. If Kaji dumped her, though, why hasn't he called me?_

As she stood frowning at Misato's door, the sound of water from within the bathroom went silent as Shinji turned the shower off. With a faint smile, Asuka slipped into the kitchen, found a glass and filled it with ice-cold water, then returned to wait in front of the bathroom door.

Minutes passed in silence except for the occasional thump from the bathroom, as though Shinji were stumbling into things as he pulled pants on. _Klutz_.

Eventually the door opened. Asuka gave him only enough time to blink at her, then threw the glass of water right in his face.

Shinji shouted, coughing, and staggered backwards until the sink stopped his movement. "What the... Asuka? What the hell was that for?" he finally managed, glaring at her. With one hand he found his towel and started patting his face and shirt.

"What was _that _for?" she repeated, shouting, as she advanced on him. "How can you even ask that? Where the hell were you last night?"

"What?" He shook his head fiercely as thought she'd asked the stupidest thing imaginable. "Last night? I told you I was going to be with Rei. We walked around in Shitamachi."

_Shit. True._ "Well, would it have been too much trouble for the mighty Shinji to let me know he wasn't even going to be here for dinner? I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, you jackass!"

He stood straighter, glaring at her and tossing his towel aside. Blue eyes bored into her own with frustration and disdain. "Why should I bother? I make you food all the time, and all you do is insult me. I even made dinner on Thursday for you, but you didn't come out of your room to eat it."

"Well, you were mean to me earlier that day," she countered heatedly. "Why should I have eaten what you made me? You probably would have put something in it to make me sick! Either that or you just made something stupid I don't like."

"I made sukiyaki, Asuka. You love sukiyaki." He had torn his gaze from her, was now staring at some point on the wall, and his voice was tight with forced restraint.

"No, I don't. It's disgusting."

"Last time I made it, you ate three helpings."

She scowled, thinking back. "Well, you didn't make me lunch that day."

"Well, _you _didn't go to the store the night before like you said you would."

"I did too! You just didn't tell me what you wanted me to get."

"Whatever, Asuka," he sighed. "Aren't you a college graduate? I'd think you could feed yourself."

"Of course I can!" she snapped. "Last night I just kept waiting for you, but you never came home, and I fell asleep, and..." She trailed off, angry at herself for whining. Before she could tear into Shinji, however, he blinked, his eyes shifting to look at something beyond her.

Asuka whirled. Misato was standing there in the hallway, yawning, a pillow crease running across one cheek towards her ear. Their shouting had awoken her again.

"Morning, lovebirds," greeted the woman cheerfully. "Showering together now? That's so cute."

Asuka blinked, realizing where she and Shinji stood. "Bite me," she answered, then turned to her fellow pilot. "Get out. I need to use this, and it's not like I'll let you peek if you just stay in here. And here," she added, thrusting the empty glass towards him.

He accepted it, brushing rudely past her on the way to the hallway. The door slammed shut behind him, bouncing partway back open.

* * *

"Hey, Shinji," murmured Misato, looping an arm through the boy's to stop him in the hallway. "What was that?" 

He blinked at her, then shrugged dismissively. "Nothing. She was just mad that I was out last night and didn't make dinner for her." Turning, he resumed his way towards the kitchen.

She frowned, following slowly in his footsteps. "So all of that," she wondered, "was about food?" _That seems a little extreme. Of course, look at who we're talking about._

Shinji ducked around the corner, opening cupboards and rummaging around for cereal. "I think it bugs her that I've been spending time with Rei and not her."

_Aaaaaaaaah_. "I see," she acknowledged, stepping into the kitchen to watch him absently. "She's been getting more abrasive lately, hasn't she?"

He chuckled without looking at her. "You mean_ that?_ No. A couple days ago she was way out of line, telling me she hated me and everything. This here was just her way of saying 'Good morning.'"

Misato raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Well, I do," admitted Shinji with a sigh. "I don't think there's much I can do about it, though."

"But doesn't it bother you?" she pressed. "You don't seem all that upset."

He paused in the act of shaking cereal into a bowl, favoring her with an easy-going smile, the innocent one that broke her heart every time she saw it. "I just try not to take her too seriously."

Quickly he turned back to his breakfast, but Misato continued to stare at him, reeling. _Shinji? Not taking something seriously? Who is this kid and where is the real Shinji?_

Shaking herself, she opened the fridge, rummaging around for a wake-up beer, studying him out of the corners of her eyes the whole time. Though she had been too wrapped up in her own problems to notice before, he did seem somehow more... grounded now, like he'd found something or someone, or figured something important out. _I guess whatever he and Rei have been up to, it's helped him out._

Abruptly she froze, one hand on the refrigerator door after shutting it. _Wait. What _have _they been up to?_ A suspicion formed in her mind. "Hey, Shinji," she began in her sweet voice, "did you hook up with Rei?"

He jerked, almost knocking his cereal over, then eyed her cautiously. A half-dozen different emotions warred over his face before uncertainty won out. "I... don't know," he answered quietly, glancing away.

_So yes,_ she translated, nodding. An unexpected surge of pride swelled in her heart, pride that quiet, troubled Shinji had found someone. Strictly speaking, she supposed, as his guardian she was supposed to keep an eye on him, make certain they didn't do anything stupid, but she doubted Rei would ever allow anything amiss, and in any case she was too happy for the boy to care. _Good work, Shinji._

The mystery solved, Misato put it out of her mind and cracked open her breakfast.

* * *

"Aren't you worried about afterwards?" asked Ritsuko. "You should be." 

The Commander, if he heard her, gave no sign of it. The man sat at the desk in his office, a vast space in the heights, though still underground. Vaguely Ritsuko supposed there was something meaningful there, some comment about the Commander himself, but whatever it was she could not identify it.

"What the old men are up to," he answered finally, his gaze focused on the wall behind her, "is of no importance to you at the moment. Human enemies are our smallest concern."

"On the contrary," she demurred. "Human enemies are the most dangerous. Are you not concerned about the mass-produced models? We will need Unit-01's S2 engine operating without restraints or safeguards to defeat them."

"I have a plan," stated the Commander flatly. Reflected monitor glow in his glasses obscured his eyes. "Do not modify Unit-01. That is enough, Doctor."

Ritsuko kept her frustration from her face and nodded. Pulling off her own glasses, she folded them up and tapped them idly against her other palm. "Additionally," she murmured, "perhaps later in the day, there are... figures I would like you to inspect. I can show you what you need to see." It was a game, of course, one she knew he understood; likely she didn't even need to say anything at all, just stand there after his dismissal, and he would know what she meant.

"I will be busy later." Smoothly he folded gloved hands in front of his face. "Go."

"Are you certain?" she wondered coolly. "I will be here until rather--"

"Is there a question, Doctor Akagi?"

Ritsuko cut herself off, knowing better than to try his patience. "Of course not." Nodding, she turned and strode for the doors. Her footsteps echoed in the broad office until she left it.

Once outside the door, she turned and eyed it sideways, sliding the glasses into a pocket of her labcoat. _Don't you know better than to upset a woman, Gendo? After all these years, you should. It always comes back to haunt you._

After a moment, she sighed. Face tight, she continued on towards the elevator.

* * *

When school let out, Shinji did not head home with Rei, the first time in many days he had not. Though she had waited for him in the hallway as was becoming her norm, he'd explained things. Explained that Asuka needed some human company, even if it was him, that he would visit her later in the evening instead of early in the afternoon. Rei had agreed, but she gave him an odd, direct stare as they parted ways halfway to her apartment, one he had not seen before. 

Shaking his head, he began the walk home, feeling like he were leaving the comfort of an air-conditioned apartment to jump in a fire instead. _Though if Asuka throws cold water in my face today,_ he reflected with a faint smile, _it might actually feel good._

When he reached the apartment his roommate was already home, having left before him from school. She'd changed into a pair of old grey shorts she used for lounging, as well as a shirt with something written on it in German, though he recognized the word "Berlin." Once again she did not acknowledge his entry, engrossed as she was with watching music videos on television and snacking on some of Misato's wasabi peas.

Leaving her undisturbed, Shinji headed to his room to drop off his backpack and grab a stack of homework still left over from when he'd been stuck in Unit-01. And, after a moment's thought, his laptop. It made an awkward bundle to carry back out to the table but he did so, quietly and unobtrusively setting up for a couple hours' worth of homework.

As he expected, Asuka ignored him. He could tell she didn't like whatever she was watching, because after the videos gave way to some show about cool little electronics, she began flipping endlessly through the channels. Misato did not get many channels, making this a distracting and frustrating cycle for him.

He sighed, trying to concentrate on his homework. _Maybe I should just grab the SDAT,_ he decided longingly, then sighed again. _No, I'm here to be sociable, or whatever. She might not talk to me, but at least she can't say I'm never around. I don't know why she even cares; if she hates me so much anyway, why...?_

"I'm staying at Hikari's tonight," she declared out of nowhere, still staring at the television screen.

"Hikari's?" he blinked. "Okay. What... what do you want to eat, then, before that?

"Not eating here," she answered absently, flipping through the channels. "She likes to cook too, you know."

Shinji gazed at her for a moment, then stared into the kitchen before nodding. "Fine," he acknowledged. "When are you--?"

"Soon," Asuka interrupted. "Half an hour, probably."

He nodded again, turning back to his homework. She did not speak further, and as she had stated, in thirtyish minutes she flipped off the television and disappeared into her room. In moment she reemerged with different clothes yet, bearing a duffel bag in one hand. She swept past him and out the door without a word.

Shinji stared after her a moment, then bent back to his homework. It would not finish itself.

Later, as hunger grew from an irritant to a distraction, he sighed and snapped his books shut. _No point in staying here, I guess. _After carrying his things back to his room and changing clothes, he paused for a moment, uncertain. It felt strange, leaving the apartment so empty. Three people still lived in it, he reflected, but it seemed everyone was home less and less as time went on.

Feeling like this was partially his fault, he sought a pen and a scrap of paper, then left Misato a note. _I'm at Rei's. Asuka's at Hikari's. She's not coming back tonight but I am._ Frowning at it momentarily, he taped it to his guardian's bedroom door, then began the walk to Rei's place.

She opened the door just before he knocked on it, perhaps having heard his footsteps approaching. With the windows and blinds open, the apartment behind her seemed a bright, cheery place now, so bright relative to the hallway, in fact, that her hair made a fuzzy halo around her silhouetted face. She smiled to see him.

Shinji smiled back, then entered as she stepped back to give him room. "I hope I didn't make you wait too long."

Rei shook her head slightly, pale bluish hair swaying. "I don't mind waiting."

"That's good, I suppose," he chuckled. "Have you eaten yet?"

"I have not."

Once his shoes were off, he stepped forward to kiss her, enjoying how she smelled, cool and clean despite the ever-present heat. After a moment he pulled back, studying her face from centimeters away. "What sounds good to you tonight?"

Something shifted in her eyes, and he fought the urge to swallow. Shortly, though, she swung her head sideways to regard the kitchen area. "I will cook, if that is what you mean."

"Really?" he wondered, following her gaze. "You don't have to."

"I know." Her soft voice, this close, sounded a little breathy in his ears. "You don't need to do all the work all the time."

He smiled at the floor. "I don't mind. Thank you, though."

Rei touched his cheek briefly, then glided towards the counter. "Be at ease," she instructed over her shoulder. "It won't take long."

Taking her advice, Shinji seated himself some distance away on the floor rug, alternating between staring out the windows and watching Rei as she cooked what looked like kinpira gobo. Something about seeing her back as she stood before a simmering pan on the stove stirred his memory, seemed somehow familiar. Whatever it was, it lightened his heart, making him want to hug or kiss her again. He remained on the floor, though; she would not likely appreciate the distraction.

Rei was true to her word, finishing the meal quickly and serving up two bowls. They ate sitting on the floor, facing one another. Shinji was surprised to learn that she cooked well; with the previous abused state of her apartment, he had assumed she cooked only infrequently, perhaps relying on instant food like Misato.

Once they were done, he volunteered to clean up; after disappearing for a few moments she let him do so, again simply watching as he washed the dishes and the few pans she'd dirtied while cooking. After he finished drying, Rei stepped to the bed and then lay on it, on her side, facing him. There she waited.

_Oh_. Smiling uncertainly, idly recalling his last visit here, he joined here there, head propped up on one hand to mirror her own position. "Hello," he greeted lamely.

Rei frowned briefly at this, then reached to trail a finger idly down the chest of his t-shirt. "You stayed to visit Sohryu," she recalled softly. "Did you speak with her?"

"Not very much," he answered honestly. "All she did was tell me she was going to be sleeping at Hikari's. Then she left. She wasn't there that long."

Rei nodded. "But she did not seem angry at you?"

Shinji pondered that, then shrugged as best he could while lying on his side. "Not really. Just kind of... abrupt."

"Perhaps that is an improvement," mused Rei, her finger wandering aimlessly over his torso. "You should stay with her more often. Sohryu is... unwell, I believe; if your presence turns out to help her, you should do what you can."

"I know," he sighed. "It's just weird, though, being there now. She said she hated me, but she doesn't act much different. A little colder, I suppose. Anyway, I'm surprised you want me to be there for her when I could be here with you," he added with a smile.

Rei's finger paused on his chest, and red eyes flickered up to meet his own, very seriously. "Shinji," she murmured slowly, as though she enjoyed speaking the word. "Are we dating now?"

He nodded, acutely aware that they were lying together on her bed. "I... think so. I mean, I hope so. We do... stuff... that I don't... I mean, I don't think..."

She silenced him with a kiss, leaning forward slightly, though it didn't last long. "Good," she answered.

Shinji watched her, waiting for more, then licked his lips. "Rei?"

"Yes?"

"What...?" He hesitated, wondering how to phrase it. "Why... why me? Why do you like me?"

She frowned at him oddly as though confused he would even ask. "You care," she explained quietly. "You've always cared, from the beginning, in a way no one else cares about me." Pausing, she gestured behind him, to the apartment at large. "You decorated this just because you thought it might make me happy. I would not have done it myself, because cosmetic changes are pointless... but now I enjoy it. I also enjoy being able to help you with your problems, because I care for you as much as you care for me."

"Oh." He smiled, reassured.

Her hand slid to cover his heart, a gentle pressure through his shirt. "What about me?"

Shinji shook his head helpessly. "You're beautiful," he sighed, "and you're soothing, and I feel like I can trust you completely. You make me feel... safe. I like just being close to you."

Rei's face did not change, though he could feel her pleasure at his words. Her eyes slid wistfully shut, and she leaned in for another kiss.

He returned it, throwing his free arm around her and pulling her close. Something was different this time, he quickly noticed; Rei's attention was more heated, more fierce; her teeth tugged playfully at his lips while her fingers slid down his side to curl through a belt loop.

"Shinji," she breathed, hot in his ear. "Do you want to touch me?"

"You have no idea," he whispered._ I can't believe this._ He was shaking, he realized, and a giddy hollowness thumped in his chest.

In answer Rei grasped his free hand, planting a light kiss on his palm before pushing it down, under her uniform skirt. Lifting her knee atop his thigh to make room, she guided him back up, towards her treasure. What he felt there was not what he expected.

"Rei," he gasped. "Don't you usually wear underwear?"

"Yes," she answered throatily.

Exhaling steadily to calm himself, he began to explore. Rei had stopped kissing him and now simply lay there, her breath catching every now and then as he continued.

_This is it_, he realized distantly._ This is Rei._ It was nearly unbelievable, still, that she was giving herself to him so, that she actually wanted the same dirty things he'd been dreaming about for years, and furthermore wanted to do them with him. _She's just like me._ The boundaries were gone; she was his.

Letting himself go, he rolled to his back, squirming under her; Rei scrambled atop him in response, keeping herself elevated enough for continued manual access. With his free hand he touched whatever he could reach, rubbing a leg here, brushing a uniformed breast there. _She's mine,_ he sighed. _All mine._ Rei's wordless murmuring echoed his thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8: Forever Yours

_Misguided princes, why have ye upraised  
This wordy wrangle? Are ye not ashamed,  
While the whole land lies stricken, thus to voice  
Your private injuries? Go in, my lord;  
Go home, my brother, and forebear to make  
A public scandal of a petty grief._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Eight: Forever Yours

"So how's bonehead doing?"

Hikari sighed, closing her eyes, wondering idly why her friend couldn't be civil just once in a while. "He's pretty good, actually," she answered. Opening her eyes again, she peered into her bento. "They're going to let him out in a week or less, they say. He's taking to the new leg pretty well."

Asuka stared at her blankly for a moment, perhaps not having listened, but eventually she grinned. "That's good. So you guys started smooching it up yet?"

"Asuka!"

"Have you?"

"Not yet," she answered quietly, glancing away as her cheeks heated. "I've been... waiting, until he gets out of the hospital, so I know..." She trailed off, embarrassed at how it sounded.

"So you know what?" prompted Asuka. "That he's not using you for your sympathy? You really think Touji's smart enough to do that?"

Hikari scowled at the other girl. "Oh, don't talk about him like that."

"Fine," sighed the German, rolling her eyes dramatically skyward. "Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. If he dumps you after he's out, I'll cut his leg right back off."

"Thanks." She paused for a moment, taking another bite of her lunch. Off in the distance, hidden birds starting cackling at one another in some tree or other. "How about you? Anything new from Kaji?"

Asuka's face clouded. "Nothing," she grumped, spearing her own noodles angrily. "It's like he's just disappeared. I've tried asking Misato about him, but she says she's as confused as I am. I think she's lying, though."

"Kaji seems like a... secretive man," ventured Hikari carefully. "Maybe she really doesn't know."

The other girl snorted. "Maybe," she allowed, plainly unconvinced. "Though I suppose he could keep her in the dark if he wanted to. He's good. Oh, hey. Can I crash at your place again tonight?"

"I suppose," she shrugged. "What's wrong with your place?"

Asuka grimaced. "Misato's place is just messed up right now. It's... it's better if I'm not there, I think. For now."

"Whatever. That's fine." Hikari resumed eating, keeping an idle eye on the students on the green far below. There were fewer than in recent weeks; one by one students had disappeared from her class, and probably all other classes, as their parents decided they were no longer needed in Tokyo-3. She could hardly blame them, with all the Angels.

Eventually her eyes settled on Shinji and Rei, out of habit. The two were eating together again under what she had begun to think of as their tree. She was mildly surprised Asuka had not started complaining about the pair yet today. _Maybe she's getting over it. Whatever it is._

As she watched, something occurred which caught her attention. "Oh, weird," she murmured before she could catch herself.

"What?" wondered Asuka absently, finishing the remains of her lunch.

Hikari squeezed her eyes shut. _Oops_. "Um, nothing. I was just thinking."

Asuka grunted. "Whatever, Hikari. I saw you watching people down there. What did you see? You're as bad as the idiot sometimes, you know."

_Fine_, she sighed. "Well, Shinji was trying to get Rei's attention to point at something in the trees, and he touched her leg. She didn't seem to care."

A strange silence from her side made her turn; Asuka was watching her, one eyebrow raised in question. "Where?"

"Over there," pointed Hikari. "Those trees there, by that stump. Whatever it was, I couldn't..."

"No, where on her leg?"

_Oh_. "A... few centimeters above her knee," she answered, watching her friend uncertainly. _That is a little inappropriate for school, really._

Asuka's eyes grew slowly colder, and her gaze shifted down to the empty lunchbox in her hands. After a moment she snarled, throwing the thing as far as she could towards Shinji and Rei; the thing tumbled lazily, landing less than halfway there. "You _assholes!_" she shouted, waving a fist. "Keep your hands to yourself! No one wants to see that here!" All over the green, people turned around, dumbfounded, to find the source of the voice.

Hikari grimaced, trying to shrink into herself. "Asuka?"

"_What?_"

She sighed. "Nothing."

* * *

Shinji tried to keep a smile from his face as he jogged up the stairs to Rei's apartment. Under one arm he carried a wrapped box, complete with a silver bow. It had been a total whim to buy the thing, and he was not accustomed to acting on whims, but this gift had seemed like a good one. 

She answered at his knock, smiling at him. "You got here quickly."

"Yeah," he agreed, slipping inside and tugging off his shoes, aware of Rei's eyes on the gift. "I don't think Asuka had been there for more than ten minutes, and she left right after I got there." His roommate had had enough time to give him an icy stare and little else.

"Did she bother you further?"

Shinji shook his head. Stepping past Rei, he made for the fuzzy blue rug and seated himself on it. "Not really. Whatever was bugging her at lunch, she didn't say anything about it."

His girlfriend nodded absently, shuffling quietly towards him before seating herself at his side. "What is this?" she wondered, nodding at the package he'd set on the floor.

"I got you a gift," he explained unnecessarily, sliding it towards her. "Open."

She regarded him blankly for a moment, then directed her attention to the present. "Are we to be married, then?" she asked, fingering the wrapping.

"It, uh..." He swallowed; her voice suggested that the idea was of some mild interest to her. "It was the only wrapping paper Misato had," he explained eventually; silver candles and rings lined the white paper, along with calligraphic platitudes like _Till death do us part_ and _Forever yours_. "I totally forgot that I needed any until half an hour ago or so."

Rei smiled again, apparently amused, then tugged the bow to undo it. She opened the gift very carefully, tearing only the tape, not the paper, and in moments had revealed the outer packaging of a little shelf stereo system, the most he had been able to afford. As the paper settled airily to the ground, she turned a questioning glance on him.

"I noticed you didn't have a television or radio or anything," he explained, "so I got you this. I wanted to thank you for... for accepting me. For caring. For understanding."

The smile remained on her lips, and a soft note of affection touched her eyes, though they regarded the box now, rather than him. "That was not necessary, Shinji."

"I know. I just wanted to be nice." He watched for a moment while she idly read the package. "Go ahead and take it out," he prompted. "What kinds of music do you like?"

Rei's smile faded. "I... don't know." She blinked at him, then returned her attention to the box, which she began to open.

"I made some discs for you," he noted as she found them just inside the top opening. "Stuff I copied from old SDAT tapes. Mostly classical and a little pop. There's probably eight hours' worth of music there."

She nodded wordlessly, setting the discs carefully aside as she removed the styrofoam packaging and a layer of plastic wrap from around the stereo. Shinji helped her attach the speakers, and while she plugged the whole thing into the wall, he put in a disc at random.

In seconds the opening strains of a Bach concerto began to roll out of the diminuitive speakers, dramatic and subtle. Rei lowered her head, eyes closed, listening with obvious concentration. For a long time, she didn't twitch a muscle.

Some ten minutes later, perhaps, she finally stirred. "It is very pretty," she acknowledged quietly, even for her. Red eyes sought and found Shinji's own.

He smiled uncertainly. "Yeah. I have more stuff like that, if you want it."

Her gaze softened in apparent assent. For a moment she continued to listen, but quickly she thumbed a button on the stereo, pausing the disc. "We were going to see Hanazaka Park," she recalled.

Shinji nodded. "True. You want to go now?"

In response, Rei stood, absently brushing dust from her skirt. He rose as well, and without speaking further they slipped out into the hallway and made their way down to the street.

The park lay only a kilometer or so from Rei's place, and they walked there speaking only sparsely. The route there skirted the edge of a commercial district; as they passed it, Rei pointed out a ramen stand, and they got in line to wait.

After they'd each ordered and received their food, Shinji pulled out his wallet and opened it. Instantly the memory of the last time he'd done so struck him, when he'd paid for the stereo. "Crap," he muttered, slumping. "I don't think I have any cash. I spent..."

Rei eyed him without expression, then handed her NERV card to the fellow at the stand. He swiped it through the reader, not visibly impressed by the red fig-leaf insignia, and passed it back to her. She spared Shinji one more unreadable glance, then turned and continued on towards the park.

He quickly caught up with her. "I'm sorry," he sighed.

She shook her head faintly. "I don't care."

He smiled at the sidewalk beneath his feet._ True. I suppose she really doesn't_. To Rei, he thought, money was just a distant number, one that did little but ensure she could keep buying food to stay alive. It wasn't power or even wealth to her, as it was to others, or if it was she didn't seem to care about it.

In minutes they reached the park, a moderate stretch of green rolling hills dotted with the occasional miniature flower garden. Wandering off the path, they chose a spot at random, a grassy level spot next to a gentle slope, overlooking a smallish valley where a mother was playing with two younger children. Off in the hazy distance, taller buildings rose at infrequent intervals, their bases hidden by nearer trees.

Dropping to the grass, Shinji shifted about until he was comfortable, then began to eat his ramen. Rei did likewise, sitting primly and eating neatly as always. Faint children's laughter bubbled up sporadically to where they sat, and hidden cicadas buzzed their ever-present song.

Shinji found his eyes drawn to the children below as they ate. It seemed strange now to see any here, as though the softness and innocence required to nurture the young no longer had any place in a fortress city full of hardened JSSDF and NERV people. Strange that anyone could feel carefree enough just to sit and play where Angels had fought and died, where another could appear at any time and kill everyone. Something tightened his chest as he watched the children, one barely old enough to walk, giggling and frolicking in the sunlit grass with their smiling mother.

"Rei," he asked quietly, keeping his eyes trained below. "Why do you pilot?"

"Because that is my purpose," she answerwed softly.

He thinned his lips. "How do you know what your purpose is?"

"The Commander told me."

Shinji suppressed a grimace. "How does he know what your purpose is?"

Rei shifted, and he could feel her eyes on him. "It is because of him that I exist."

A cold fist gripped his heart. _What? What is this? Jealousy?_ "What do you mean?" he whispered, still watching the playing children, though now they were mere vague blurs in his unfocused sight.

Clothing shifted again; he had the feeling Rei was touching her forehead. "I... don't know," she admitted. "I only know what he has told me."

Shinji rolled his shoulders irritably. "Well, he's the reason I exist too, but it doesn't mean I have to do everything he says."

Rei didn't answer. Blinking as he focused his vision again, he eyed her sideways, but whatever was on her face as she gazed down the hill, he couldn't read it.

He sighed, setting aside his empty ramen container and hugging knees to his chest. "I'm sorry."

Fingers alighted briefly on his elbow before retreating. A faint breeze whispered through the grass, carrying the scent of roses.

Shinji squeezed his eyes shut. _What was she talking about? She made it sound like the Commander _made _her, like she's a... test, or an experiment. And why couldn't she be? The Evas themselves are like that, and they seem alive; why not a person? How many people really have blue hair like that? Red eyes? How many people need someone to explain why other people like flowers?_

Suddenly tired, he sighed, rubbing his face. _Take it easy on her_, he advised himself. _She doesn't seem to know any more than I do, and whatever her origins, they're not her fault any more than it's my fault that the Commander is my father. And her innocence is part of why I like her so much._

"Are you well?" Rei's gentle words floated over the breeze.

He smiled thinly, cracking an eye open to see her concerned expression. "I think so. I just... don't know much about you, I guess."

"I don't either," she admitted seriously.

He chuckled. "Shall we go back?"

Rei frowned, then gave her head a tiny shake. "Let's stay here a little longer."

Shinji nodded, pushing aside his trash, and leaned into her. Rei threw an arm around his shoulder, and they sat together in silence as the sun slid westward towards its inevitable disappearance.

Perhaps an hour before dusk, she patted his arm in a gesture he had begun to interpret as "get up now." Smiling, he did so, offering a hand down for Rei, which she accepted after a moment of frowning. After bending to retrieve the remains of their dinner, he headed back across the grass, towards the street.

It took little enough time to reach Rei's apartment; once there, she made straight for the stereo and unpaused it. Shinji walked past her and flopped on the bed, a place he'd been becoming rather familiar with over recent days.

As Rei poked at the stereo, figuring out how to turn the volume down, he let his eyes drift to the window, where the clings still hung cheerfully. They never failed to bring a smile to his face, after the way her apartment had been when he first saw it.

In moments she was a warm weight next to him on the bed. Shinji slid sideways, giving her room, but she just followed him over, peppering his face with kisses. He responded playfully in kind, tickling her sides as he did so, tugging at her skirt. Her fingers managed to find his shirt buttons and undid them between kisses, giving him time to attack the ribbon tying the top of her uniform together.

Shortly he was shirtless, his pants half-undone, while she was in nothing but her skin and socks above him, staring down into his face intently. It still amazed him how little it took her to strip, how little concern she had for nudity, but, he reflected, it came with definite advantages.

Something in her eyes caught his attention and he stared back up at her, feeling his smile fade. "Rei?" His hands moved of their own accord, caressing her, sliding up her sides and down her back. She was somehow warm and cool at the same time, soft and firm. He could not touch her enough.

She folded arms over his chest, resting her chin on them as she continued to gaze at him, her breasts twin regions of gentle pressure on his ribs. "Shinji," she murmured, red eyes soft and affectionate. "There is something we haven't done yet."

He swallowed. "There are... uh, lots of things we haven't done yet," he agreed weakly. _Holy shit.  
_

Rei was not distracted. "You know what I mean, I think," she accused quietly.

"I do," he conceded, equal parts thrilled and nervous. _Does she have any concept of how fast people usually move?_ "Rei... are you sure? This is awfully... I mean, it's going to hurt you. You know that, don't you?"

"I do," she nodded. "I have heard as much."

"And you still want to do it?" he prompted.

"Yes." He could discern no doubt or hesitation in her voice. "Do you not want to become one with me?"

He closed his eyes as her words echoed in the agitated swirl of his thoughts, words he'd heard almost nightly in his dreams ever since he was stuck in the Eva. She was so... gentle about it, he sighed, so polite, not forceful at all; it tugged at his heart._ I don't know if I can resist that,_ he lamented silently._ But... why should I? Isn't this what I want too? What does it matter whether we do it now or in six months? _"Very much so," he whispered finally.

Rei's weight disappeared instantly, and together they made short work of the rest of his clothes. He lay on his back, waiting as she situated herself properly, holding her hips idly as she began.

She clung to him tightly, arms threading under his back and neck, and shook as he broke her. He waited, eyes wide, kissing her hair and stroking her skin until she was ready to continue.

The act itself was both deeply pleasurable and mildly awkward; she didn't move how he expected, and when he compensated she did too, pushing them out of sync again. Shortly they settled into a passable rhythm, and her breath grew rapid and uneven in his ear.

She didn't finish until just after he did, and almost instantly she collapsed atop him, unmoving, breathing heavily and murmuring little happy sounds he could listen to forever. A light layer of sweat coated them both from head to toe, which amused Shinji; it still struck him as somehow strange that Rei sweated at all.

As the first stars of evening twinkled into view through the window, she sighed deeply and relaxed, perhaps drifting off while she still lay on him. In response he tightened his arms around her body, resting a cheek against her head, and let himself float at the edge of a warm and trouble-free slumber.

Eventually, however, he blinked back awake. It was dark out, he saw, though a quick sideways glance showed that only an hour had passed since their... union. Placing a hand on his girlfriend's shoulder, he shook her gently. "Rei?"

She stirred, lifting her head sleepily from his chest, and blinked at him. "Shinji?" Her cheek was red where her skin had been resting against his own.

"It's... late," he pointed out miserably, nodding up at the window. "I should... I should go, or... I don't know. If I'm too late, Misato will start asking questions."

Rei frowned at him. "I want you to stay," she declared softly.

He closed his eyes helplessly. _This is the happiest I've ever been,_ he sighed._ It would be way too easy to stay here, and then we're going to be..._

"But I understand if you need to go," she added a moment later.

Shinji melted in relief. "Thank you," he breathed.

She nodded. Shifting, she planted hands on the mattress and pushed, lifting herself, separating herself from him with a faint grimace. Sliding quickly to the floor, she padded into the bathroom. The sound of a running faucet soon drifted out the door.

"You should clean," called Rei out to him, "before you go."

Groaning to himself as he rolled to his feet, he followed her voice. Rei stood in front of the sink, wiping herself down with a damp white washcloth, her face totally calm as though this were nothing unusual at all. Thrusting the thing under the water again, she squeezed the excess out, then handed it to him.

Shinji complied with her unspoken directive, thankful that she'd at least used warm water. After drying himself off, he wandered back to the bed and started putting his clothes back on, feeling as though he were donning layers of cold armor, separating him from Rei. She watched him wordlessly from the bathroom door, still naked; he shook his head.

Once he was dressed, he stepped close to hug her. "I don't want to leave," he admitted.

Slim arms snaked around his neck, drawing him close for a surprisingly passionate kiss. "Then come back here tomorrow," she instructed.

"I will," he chuckled. "Don't worry." With one more kiss, he stepped past her and out the door.

* * *

_I hate my job_, sighed Misato as she unlocked the apartment door and dragged herself inside. _When was the last time I got a full night of sleep? Can't complain about killing Angels, though._ Heeling the door shut, she stepped to the fridge, grabbed out a beer and slumped into a chair at the table. 

Before she opened the can, her eyes drifted to the welcome mat by the door, empty of shoes. Asuka had been spending a great deal of time with Hikari lately, and Shinji with Rei. She could not really blame either of her charges; they did not get on well with each other, and she did not expect them to sit at home together all the time. Still, it left the apartment feeling empty, like it had before Shinji had shown up at all.

Snorting at her own sentimentality, she cracked the beer open and drank half of it in one go. _What am I?_ she wondered absently. _A mother, worrying about her kids growing up and moving out?_ At the thought she paused, frowning, then shook her head. _Maybe_.

Sprawling comfortably in the chair, she tilted the can back for another swallow. _This is stupid. I have to cut down on this stuff or I'm going to get fat._

The opening door cut off further speculation. As she blinked, Shinji stepped inside, then favored her with a mellow smile in greeting. "Oh, hey, Misato."

_Whoah_. She froze, beer can against her lips, and watched as he unloaded his backpack calmly, a contented expression on his face as though nothing could possibly trouble him. Moving only her eyes, she followed his motion into the kitchen, observed as he filled a glass with cool water and started to drink from it.

Abruptly realizing she was staring, she placed the beer can carefully back on the table, wiping her lips with the back of her other hand. "Hey, Shinji," she answered brightly. "You're home kinda late." _Though not as late as I would have expected. Not as late as I would be, in his place._

He shrugged, avoiding eye contact as he drank from his water. "Sorry?" he offered uncertainly a moment later.

She smiled at him, wondering how to proceed. "Shinji, um... could you come here for a second?"

A guarded look stole over his features but he nodded, shuffling closer to where she sat. "Is something wrong?"

"Not at all," she reassured, trying not to fidget. _Whatever. If anyone should be nervous, it's him._ "You're, um... careful, aren't you?"

"Oh." The tension drained from his face; apparently he'd expected another question. "Yeah, I think so. What do you mean?"

Chewing a lip, she chose a better word. "I mean protected," she clarified softly. "You know what I'm talking about."

Shinji blinked at her, and then a peculiar series of expressions washed across his features, as easy to read as text. First came horror, his jaw dropping, eyes widening and losing focus, as he realized that he'd forgotten to use any such thing. Then came shock, blue eyes snapping back to her face as he understood that she'd figured it out. A wild, desperate calculation followed, eyes shifting narrowly sideways as he tried to think of a way to deny it, followed by a numb, resigned staring as it occurred to him that his face had given it away, that he'd waited too long to be able to say he had no idea what she was talking about.

Misato waited patiently.

Shinji stared back.

Misato continued to wait.

"Oh," he said again, shifting his gaze to the glass in his hands as though it held some significance in the conversation. "Oh. Well, yeah. I mean, no." Blushing furiously, he squeezed his eyes shut. "I mean... I will be," he managed faintly.

"Yeah," acknowledged Misato uncomfortably, shifting in the chair. "Just... you know, you two have responsibilities, and you don't want any... surprises. You know."

"Yeah," he agreed, swallowing.

"So," she exhaled, "that's... anyway." Pausing to compose herself, she donned a winning smile. "Good to see you're home safely, though. I was a little worried."

Shinji nodded, clearly relieved to have the subject change. "Yeah, I'll try to be better about that. I can call, or..."

"Don't worry about it," she dismissed. "I mean, don't go crazy about it or anything, but... just..."

"I won't," he assured her vaguely. For a moment he just gazed at her mutely, while Misato stared back. Eventually he blinked, drinking the rest of his water and setting the empty glass on the counter. He wasted little time in heading to his room and closing the door.

_Well, that was weird_, she sighed. _Anyway, damn. Kids today sure move fast_. Abruptly she blinked, then suppressed a groan. _Man, am I getting old._

Shaking her head, Misato grabbed her half-empty beer can from the table and drank the rest._ I hope he's smart enough to keep this from Asuka. She'd freak if she knew._

* * *

Asuka trotted happily down the steel corridors at the NERV headquarters. She had grown tired of waiting to hear from Kaji, and had tracked him down in his office. Of course, he hadn't been there -- even his things were gone -- which meant he had probably been sent abroad again. Though he hadn't been able to tell her goodbye, she could understand, even forgive him for that; he was a dangerous man, after all, moving in a world of shadows, so it was expected that he would be tight with information from time to time. Even with her. 

In any case, if he was abroad, he would likely be back in Germany, which meant Misato would know something about how to contact him. Asuka knew which liquor store the other woman typically frequented -- it was only a few blocks from the apartment -- and if they wouldn't sell to a minor with a NERV id, she'd just steal some. Then it would just be a matter of waiting until Misato was home one night to spring a "girls' night in" on her; once the major was drunk, milking her for information on Kaji's whereabouts would be easy. _Imagine how impressed he'll be when I track him down and call him._ If things went well, Asuka would also learn why he'd apparently dumped Misato, the better to avoid making the same mistakes once they were together.

_This is great,_ she reflected as she rounded a corner in the massive complex. _Everyone is so much dumber than me. I only wish I could share this plan with them all without ruining it._

Slowing to a halt before a heavy door, she swiped her card through the lock and slipped inside. A smallish waiting room lay within, just a handful of fairly comfortable plastic chairs -- easily washed of LCL -- and a few amenities like a drinking fountain and a television. Only one other person occupied it at the moment. "Hey, Shinji."

"Oh, hi, Asuka," he greeted, lifting his head from the back of the chair to smile at her. "How's Hikari been doing?"

"Fine," she shrugged, claiming one of the open seats. "I think her dad's been getting tired of driving me here, though." Shinji chuckled, letting his head drop back to the seat.

_So how soon can I do this?_ wondered Asuka absently, drumming fingers on her stomach as she gazed at the oposite wall. _I could get the beer at any time. Tonight, maybe? The rest kind of depends on Misato._ Lips pursed, she planned and waited.

Eventually Maya's thin voice spoke over the room's speakers. "Asuka, Shinji, we're ready to start. Head to the plugs."

Asuka blinked as her purpose here was forcefully brought to her attention. Shinji rose without a sound, heading for the door and holding it open for her; glaring, she leapt to her feet and strode past him.

The test plugs were not far away, a thirty-second walk. As they always did lately, the cylindrical tanks lit a smoldering anger in her belly, twisting it like a knife. A plug-suited Wondergirl was already climbing into her own.

"Don't worry so much, Asuka," advised Shinji with a smile as he headed for his own plug.

"Shut your word-hole," she snapped. Ignoring the startled look on his face, she scrambled up her plug and into it.

The bloodlike LCL closed over her like the liquid of nightmares it had become, isolating her from the world, trapping her in the prison of her own thoughts. _I hate this_, she growled silently, settling herself into the reclined seat they'd provided for her. _Nothing to do here. Nothing but think about how much I suck now, how much they all hate me._

The hours ground past with glacial slowness. Eventually she grew hungry, as she always did, and her bladder began a mild but ceaseless protest. Misato's occasional prodding through the tactical network did not help matters.

Sometime in the middle of the afternoon, Ritsuko's cool voice sounded over the audio circuit. "That's good for today, everyone. Scores are about the same as yesterday."

"Asuka," cut in Misato's voice, now soft and concerned. "Can you come to the box once you're clean and changed? I'd like to..."

"Fuck off," snapped Asuka, climbing out of the test plug. Her face felt unnaturally tight as she grabbed one of the handy towels and rubbed it fiercely over herself before hurling it into the receptacle.

Somehow she ended up behind Shinji and Rei as they wandered back to the locker rooms; they strolled like old people or young lovers, at one point exchanging a silent glance weighted with meaning. Though Wondergirl remained impassive as always, Shinji was smiling. Asuka sneered at their backs.

_Calm down_, she advised herself, watching the pair ahead of her taking their sweet time._ I need to calm down. I need to go see Misato after this and hear how far I've fallen now. Hear it all again in that stupid honey-sweet voice, like her just saying it gently will make the numbers better somehow. Whatever's coming, I probably deserve it. Besides, if I snap at her too much the plan won't work on her._

Abruptly she blinked, shifting her attention to Shinji's scrawny back. _Crap_. _I forgot to take him into account. _Brow furrowing as they reached the lockers, she came to a quick conclusion. _He just needs to be away somewhere._ "Hey, idiot."

He stopped, turning around. "What do you want?"

Snorting at how he answered to the insult in place of his name, she eyed Wondergirl until that stupid blue hair had disappeared around a corner. "Whatcha doing tonight?" she asked of her nominal roommate. "Or tomorrow night?"

Shinji frowned, perhaps uncomfortably, as he ran a hand over his face to wipe clear some residual LCL. "Tonight I'm hanging out with Rei," he answered quietly. "Tomorrow night... I don't..." He paused, frown deepening. "I guess I don't know for sure yet about tomorrow, but I had planned on doing the same. Why?"

_Good. He'll be gone._ "You're certainly over there a lot," she observed. "Why's that? Can't stay away from your dolly for a whole day?"

He scowled. "Why do you care?" he charged, blue eyes narrowing. "You're never home anyway. You're gone more than I am."

"Yeah?" she countered. "At least I'm not sucking Hikari's face when I'm gone!"

Shinji blinked, coloring faintly, then glared right back at her. "That's not surprising. You couldn't _pay _someone to suck your face!"

Cold pain slashed through her middle at his words. "Very clever, from you," she acknowledged, leaning in to growl at him. "Did you work on that one all month? Or is that what you've been doing over there? Paying her to do all your pervy stuff?"

He tensed, going pale. "Don't you... why d--" Angered to unintelligibility, all he could do was spread his hands helplessly, as though explaining something obvious to someone dumb. "What the hell is your problem, anyway?"

"My problem?" she repeated, stepping back to eye him up and down in scorn. "Maybe I'm looking at my problem."

Shinji's fists clenched and his mouth opened, but after a moment he closed it without speaking. Whirling, he marched towards his entrance to the lockers.

"Yeah," she called after him. "Your dolly's in the other door, if you want to cry on her shoulder." He elected not to acknowledge her words as he disappeared.

For a time Asuka stared after him. _Well_, she sighed. _Not what I intended, but I guess he'll stay away now_. Gritting her teeth, she stalked into the lockers.

Wondergirl was just stepping out of the showers, towel draped over her neck, as Asuka entered. Red eyes regarded her blandly before sliding away.

"You," growled Asuka, folding arms over her chest. "What are you looking at?"

The First Child did not deign to answer. Instead she unfolded her towel, movements slow and calm, and began to dry herself.

"Don't ignore me," snapped Asuka, closing the distance between them in three quick steps. "What have you been doing to Shinji? Turning him against me?"

"I have been helping Shinji with his problems," came the soft, disinterested reply. Ayanami did not make eye contact as she bent to towel her legs.

"Right," nodded Asuka. "Helping with lips, I suppose. I know how that goes."

"Sometimes," admitted the other girl blandly. "When that is what he needs."

Asuka froze briefly, heart pounding hollowly in her chest. "I knew it," she hissed. "He denied it, but you two are together. While I'm off trying to have a normal friendship with Hikari, trying to get away from Shinji and his damn grandstanding, he's sneaking off to his dolly, to fuck his problems away." Blood rushed in her ear, a rhythmic song.

"Somtimes," repeated Ayanami, tossing aside her towel and stepping into a pair of underwear.

"Y--" Asuka blinked. "No, what I just said was that you guys were having sex there."

"Yes," agreed Rei.

"No," frowned Asuka. "I mean, you're having, you know, actual sexual intercourse."

"Yes."

"No, I mean, he's actually putting his..."

"I know, Pilot Sohryu," interrupted the First Child coolly. Reaching behind her back to fasten a bra, she turned to face Asuka plainly. "I understand your terms. We have done that three times now. I requested it."

Asuka felt her eyes widen helplessly, felt her jaw drop. Like Hikari, and like most of the class, she'd assumed the two had paired up -- their constant proximity to one another made that the intuitive guess -- but she had not imagined that they'd gone so far, that they had something so developed and meaningful. Kissing, maybe, but to hear Wondergirl admitting calmly to having begged Shinji to fuck her a few times suddenly made her own plan for Kaji seem... silly. Childish.

_...a red-dressed doll, hanging, grinning..._

She felt... betrayed, she realized. Like someone she trusted had slit her belly open while she slept. Like someone she loved had wrapped a rope around her neck and squeezed until the lights began to dim. Pain swirled hotly in her middle, pain and horror...

_...I win again, Asuka... no one chose you..._

...and anger, floods of anger, a white-hot fury aching to be released, to be shared, to sear hearts and souls. "You... you little..." Her voice was a mere whisper, shaking as fiercely as the rest of her body, but soon words began to bubble up from somewhere, words rich with the harvest of a blinding rage. "You... you... stupid... slack-cunted, skanked-up, insipid, albinic _automaton!_ Shinji? You fucked _Shinji?_ I was wrong about you. You're not just a doll; you're a _rubber _doll, Invincible Shinji's willing little_ fuck-puppet!_" She punctuated the last sentence by lunging forward to shove Rei's shoulders as hard as she could.

The First Child skidded backwards, crashing loudly against the metal lockers before slipping ungracefully to the ground. For a moment she blinked there, then reached a pair of fingers up to feel the back of her head. They came back beaded and dripping with crimson.

Letting her hand drop, Ayanami pushed herself slowly to her feet. Her red eyes were narrowed now, her cheeks flushed with anger, as she stared venomously into Asuka's own eyes from centimeters away.

_Yes_, willed Asuka silently. _Be angry. Fight me. You're not better than me_.

Slowly, however, the color in Ayanami's cheeks faded to its usual pallor, forced back under control. Her eyes likewise relaxed, reverting to a blank robotic indifference. She could have been staring at a chair for all the interest she displayed.

Asuka ground her teeth together, containing her raging temper by a single strained thread. "Rei, I want you to know something," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. "I hate you. I've hated you since I first met you, and I will hate you until the day you die." Opening her eyes again, she gazed coldly at the other girl, letting her words sink in.

Spinning, she strode back out the door. Two hundred meters later, in a dead-end hallway next to a janitorial closet, she sank to ground and curled into a shaking ball.

* * *

When Rei stepped out of the lockers, Shinji was waiting for her. His face, tense and preoccupied, darkened further when he saw her. 

"Rei," he breathed, hurrying over to where she stopped. "Are you okay? I was showering and I heard... raised voices."

She nodded. "I am well."

"Are you sure?" pressed Shinji, his eyes scanning her face. "It sounded like you two were arguing."

"Sohryu was arguing," clarified Rei.

He stared at her for a moment, then nodded. "Okay. Good."

She watched him briefly; his face did not reflect the relief his words conveyed. "You are troubled," she decided. "She fought with you as well."

Shinji glanced away, making an unpleasant face. "Well, yeah. She said some pretty awful things about... well, both of us."

Rei tilted her head. "This is not new."

"No," he agreed, "it's not. It's just... I don't know." He sighed. "What is she _doing_, Rei? I don't even want to be in the same place as her anymore; how are we going to live together? Is that what she wants? I feel like I'm driving her off by being with you."

"You are not," explained Rei. "If anything, you came to me because she was already hurting you. You've done nothing wrong."

Shinji's eyes tightened faintly, shoulders dropping just a hair; he was almost there. Almost reassured. "You don't think so?" he whispered.

Shaking her head, Rei opened her arms, and he obligingly shuffled in for a hug, burying his forehead against hers. "You've done nothing wrong," she repeated in a murmur. One hand rose to caress his face, to smooth the hair away from his eyes, while the other rubbed his back gently. "I think Sohryu is being unreasonable for some other reason," she soothed, "but I don't know what it could be. Do not think that you are responsible."

He did not answer immediately, didn't move. Rei continued to hold him, to rub away his worries.

"Okay," he whispered eventually. "Maybe you're right. Let's go home, then. Or... I mean, to your apartment."

She nodded wordlessly and accompanied him towards the elevators, keeping her face down as heat burned her cheeks._ He thinks my residence is home,_ she realized. _That is... comforting._

The elevator ride elapsed in silence, and soon they were walking along Tokyo-3's empty sidewalks in the warm afternoon sunlight. Heat rose in ripples from the pavement, twisting distant buildings into dreamlike mirages.

"Misato knows about us," sighed Shinji as they walked. "Asuka knows. Soon everyone will know."

Rei nodded. There was little they could do about it now.

In short order they reached her building and climbed through the stairwell; the place had an elevator, but there had been an "Out of Order" sign on it for as long as she could remember. Sweat beaded on her legs in the still air of their ascent.

Once inside her apartment, she closed the door and immediately began to strip. Sometimes she preferred to wait, and sometimes not. _Shinji is worried._ Waiting briefly for him to shrug out of his own clothing, she grabbed a hand and led him to the bed.

"Rei," he began hesitantly, "you know I, uh, have a box of..."

"It doesn't matter," she told him, as she had the last two times they'd done it. "There is no need to keep suggesting it." Reaching the bed, she rolled onto it, giving him room to join her.

Shinji nodded with a frown as he sat on the edge of the mattress, his mild blue eyes regarding her with concern. "Why?" he asked after a moment. "What do you mean, it doesn't matter?"

Rei hesitated. How to explain it? Each was the other's first partner, so there would be no concern of disease, something she was sure he knew also, but how to explain that, even if she did manage to get pregnant, it wouldn't matter for long? "Shinji," she murmured, touching his arm. "You trust me, don't you?"

"Of course," he answered, eyes widening, apparently surprised by the question.

She nodded. "It's nothing bad," she explained. Just the Commander's plan, something he said was good for everyone. "It's just... there is no need. I can't explain more."

He chewed a lip, studying her, but finally smiled. "Okay."

Rei smiled back, pulling him closer. His kiss was honest, generous, everything inside him poured through his lips and into her; she accepted all he gave and craved for more, ached for a deeper unity.

When she was ready, she rolled onto her back, letting him be on top this time. Their coupling was rapid and she gave herself wholly to it, holding him as tightly as she could, becoming of one body with him. When he finished, she did too, the warm glowing sunlight inside her driving her to a sightless bliss as they became of one mind as well.

Some time later, after cleaning up, he lay atop her again, his cheek pillowed on her left breast as he stared absently across her right. Rei had wrapped her arms around him loosely, idly stroking his hair, while his hand slowly tightened and relaxed on the small of her waist.

"You are still concerned," she noted.

He sighed, grimacing. "It's Asuka," he whispered.

Smothering a stab of irritation, Rei nodded. "She will have to address her own problems, Shinji."

"I know," he murmured. "But I don't know if she can. Someone should help her."

_Like this?_ wondered Rei, raising her eyebrows._ I think not. Not you, at least._ "It is... past the time for offering help, I think," she answered. "She would not accept it."

"Yeah," he agreed after a moment. "You're probably right. It's just sad."

"That is true," she acknowledged. "Why dwell on it?"

He smiled faintly, cheeks flexing against her skin. "Yeah, good point. You always put things in perspective." Lifting his head, he pecked a quick kiss on the breast he'd been lying on.

Feeling her face warm, Rei lifted her head slightly, meeting his gaze, trying to read his intentions. _Is he ready to go again?_ In question she shifted one leg, letting it fall subtly outside of where it had been.

Shinji blushed as well, but climbed up to kiss her, slowly this time. "You know," he began quietly, then trailed off.

"Yes?" she prompted between kisses. "What is it?"

He laughed softly in her ear, a nervous, self-deprecating sound. "Oh, I don't know."

She paused, drawing back to eye him suspiciously. "What?"

Making a wry, embarrassed face, he shook his head. "I was just going to say," he explained in a whisper, "that there are... more ways to do this. More things to do."

Rei pondered this briefly. "Elaborate."

* * *

In the cool depths of NERV headquarters, Ritsuko sat smoking. Two more sync tests since Asuka's last explosion, and two more disappointments. The girl was falling apart before their eyes. At this rate, in a matter of weeks she would be completely useless. _That will be a problem._

Frowning vaguely, she turned her head to regard the setup in the lab. Apart from the banks of computing machinery lining the walls, the point of interest in the room was a short cylindrical tank of LCL in which a naked Rei stood calmly for her fourth capture comparison. The process was simple enough; the MAGI recorded everything about the subject's physical and psychological state, everything recordable, and compared the results against the dummy plug templates to ensure that the latter had not been degrading. Ritsuko had had worries about the dummies, but after three comparisons they'd been holding up.

_Holding up,_ she mused. _Not like Asuka._ For a moment her eyes lingered on the machinery above Rei's tank and an idea occurred to her._ I wonder if I can configure the MAGI to write instead of read._ She paused, taking another drag from her cigarette. _It shouldn't be very difficult. Interesting._

Tucking the thought away for the moment, she turned back to her console, watching the progress bar crawl across the screen. Sighing, she stabbed the cigarette butt into an ashtray next to a dozen others just like it, then took a sip from her coffee.

Soon her thoughts wandered back to the problem at hand. _What would be the point?_ she wondered tiredly. _We already have as many Reis as we need... b__ut we do not have as many Asukas as we need. _She frowned, fingers finding a pen on the desk and playing with it absently. _I can bring it up to the Commander. It's a little surprising he hasn't tried to do it with Shinji already._

A quiet chirp from the console grabbed her attention. The capture had finished, and was now "processing," a step that would take at least half an hour. Nodding to herself, she touched a button on the desk. "That's it, Rei. Clean up and go home."

"Yes," acknowledged the girl.

As Rei stepped out of the tank and into a dry plugsuit, Ritsuko focused on other matters. Sliding her chair to another console, she keyed in a series of commands, kicking off a set of diagnostics she'd been meaning to run on Casper for some time, now that the others were busy. Once the thing was running, she slid back to draw another cigarette from her pack.

Before she lit it, however, something caught her notice. One window on the screen was devoted to scrolling details about the MAGI's comparison, and it was now blithely running over discovered differences she had not expected. Their significance quickly struck her. _Oh, hello. What's this?_

Less than an hour later, she was in the Commander's office, throwing a thin report onto his desk. "You'll want to see this," she explained.

He shifted his gaze to the cover page briefly before frowning slightly at her. "I don't have time, Doctor. Summarize."

She sighed, tucking hands into the pockets of her lab coat. "Rei is no longer a virgin."

The Commander remained silent for a time, unreacting. "Explain."

Ritsuko shrugged irritably._ What's there to explain?_ "The state of her scarring indicates the change happened over a week ago; she's since recovered. The MAGI discovered mild vaginal abrasion, suggesting her activity is frequent. I was able to extract a DNA sample from the... residue... still inside her at the time of the test, and confirmed it to have come from Shinji. The general hormone balance in her blood, and some of the physical readings I gathered, all suggest that she was thinking about it during a significant portion of the capture."

Folding gloved fingers before his chin, the Commander frowned, so faintly she almost didn't notice. "If this occurred over a week ago," he asked quietly, "why are you just learning now?"

She spread her hands. "The sync tests are not designed to record this level of detail. Only the capture comparison, or a full physical and psychological, would have done so."

He nodded but did not speak. The silence stretched.

Shifting her weight, Ritsuko nodded at the report. "There's more," she added. "The MAGI discovered activity elsewhere. Traces in her stomach, and also... well, just read it. It's in there, on the last page, under 'Additional Notes.'"

The Commander gazed flatly at her, then unfolded his hands and lifted the report, flipping idly through it. He quickly found the last page and began to read. Ritsuko was not certain what reaction she had expected from him -- a scowl, a twitching cheek muscle, a shaking hand -- but she'd at least expected to see something. Instead, the man could have been reading the daily stock quotes for all it affected him.

"I see," he acknowledged after a moment. The report went quietly back to the desk.

Ritsuko nodded. "What do you want me to do?"

"Send Rei to me."

* * *

Shinji sat lazily on the futon, bored. The television was on, showing him some documentary on the world just before Second Impact, but his attention was elsewhere. Asuka was at Hikari's again -- he had not seen her in two days -- and Rei was busy with some test or other at NERV, leaving him alone until Misato got home. 

Sighing, he rummaged for the remote and started flipping idly through the channels, the action reminding him of Asuka. _Is it better that I haven't seen her, or worse? Now the last I remember of her is that argument, not seeing her brush her teeth or something stupid like that._

After a few cycles through the tuner it became clear nothing was on. Defeated, he turned the television off and leaned back on the futon, stretching. _Maybe I should practice the cello._ He had not been doing so much, and was starting to lose the finger calluses he'd built up. _It was expensive. I shouldn't just let it sit in the corner of my room._

Before he managed to move, the door opened, admitting a frowning Misato. On seeing him, however, she smiled. "Hi, Shinji. You're here tonight?"

"Yeah," he answered pleasantly. _This can't be easy on Misato. I should be nice to her._ "Rei's at some test."

"Ah," she acknowledged, kicking her shoes off absently, then striding into the living room. Her eyes flickered between him and the blank television, and she shrugged. "You didn't have to turn off your porn just because I was opening the door." Before he could answer, she turned and disappeared into her room to change.

Shaking his head, he set the remote aside and rose, stretching again. Heading to the kitchen, he filled a glass of water and held it to his forehead; the air conditioning didn't always remove the worst of the heat.

Eventually Misato reappeared in shorts just barely long enough to be called decent and a black top that exposed her stomach. With a loud sigh she threw herself onto the futon, one arm resting over her face. "Shinji, sweetie," she called, "can you get me a beer?"

"Just one," he chuckled. Setting his water aside, he reached into the refrigerator and drew out a can from the beer shelf.

"Thanks," she acknowledged as he handed the thing to her. "You're a sweetheart, you know."

"Misato, you know I'd do it without the compliments," he pointed out as his pocket began to ring. Quickly producing his phone, he examined the display, but there was no name listed, no number. Someone from NERV, then.

"That's why you're a sweetheart."

Ignoring his guardian, he answered the call uncertainly. "Hello?"

No words came to him over the line, though he could hear muffled breathing and a muted rumbling, as though the person on the other end were switching the phone from one ear to the other. Someone unused to making calls, perhaps. "Shinji?" came a soft voice.

He blinked. "Rei?"

"Shinji, we..." Her voice cracked and she trailed off, swallowing audibly. "Shinji, we can't see each other anymore. We have to break up."

An icy chill gripped his chest. "What?" he whispered. "Why?"

"The Commander ordered it," answered Rei; he could hear tears in her voice. "He found out."

"Rei, you..." He swallowed, trying to order his thoughts. _No. No, this isn't happening. She's perfect._ "Rei, you don't have to do everything he tells you."

"I do," she whispered brokenly. "I... I can't disobey. I just... I'm sorry, Shinji. I'm so, so sorry." A sobbing gasp reached him, half cut off as she disconnected the call.

Numbly he pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it. _How...? How can she break up with me just because someone told her to?_ Not just "someone," of course, but the Commander. _Father. All you do is cause me pain._ His hand started to shake.

"Shinji?" Misato's voice was soft, now. Concerned. "Are you okay?"

Her words flowed around him without touching; he barely heard them as he stared at the phone that had carried this betrayal to him. Something shifted in his hand, and a crack jagged across the phone's plastic display. _Father!_


	9. Chapter 9: Interest On Desperation

_Who is he by voice immortal named from Pythia's rocky cell,  
Doer of foul deeds of bloodshed, horrors that no tongue can cell?  
A foot for flight he needs  
Fleeter than storm-swift steeds,  
For on his heels doth follow,  
Armed with the lightnings of his Sire, Apollo.  
Like sleuth-hounds too  
The Fates pursue._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Nine: Interest On Desperation

"Father," whispered Shinji. "How could you do this?" Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself down, tried to stop the shaking.

"Shinji?" prompted Misato. "What is it?"

_How could he? Why did he have to go through Rei, who wouldn't disobey him or talk back? Why not talk to me directly? Is he that much of a coward?_ Cracking his eyes back open, he regarded his phone, vaguely realizing he was trying to crush it. Pulverize it, like it was a man, not a phone.

"Shinji?"

_How could you, Father? Rei is... everything. I'll fall apart without her. Is that what you want? Two pilots who can't get out of the fucking bed in the morning? Or three? I... I hate you!_

Screaming, he twisted, hurling the phone with all his strength at the apartment door. It struck with a resounding thump, shattering into a thousand little pieces of plastic and metal; Shinji stared after it, breathing heavily. _I hate you._

As he watched, the door abruptly opened of its own power, revealing a startled-looking Asuka. Blue eyes dropped to the floor, to the mess of phone debris scattered there, before rising back up to Shinji. "What the hell is your problem?"

Ignoring her, he shifted his gaze to his hands. _Rei. What am I going to do without her? I can't do this all by myself._

The silence stretched, and eventually Misato cleared her throat. "Asuka, I thought you were at Hikari's place." A note of question colored her voice.

"I was," came the sarcastic response, "but then Touji called saying he was getting out of the hospital, and then Hikari was all shrieking that she had to go see him and help him home. So I'll probably be here for a while. Not that any of you care."

_What am I going to do?_ Shinji closed his eyes, staggering sideways into the wall.

"What's with him?" continued Asuka, her voice cold, bored.

"Rei," he managed, letting his head thump against the wall. "Rei broke up with me."

Asuka snorted, and he could feel her approach. "You don't say?" she murmured. "What happened? You ran out of cash to pay for the tricks?"

Something cold stirred in him, cracks forming over frozen water. He opened his eyes to see his roommate less than a pace away. "No," he answered, surprised at how quiet his voice came out. "The Commander ordered her to do it."

Asuka blinked at him, then laughed, slapping hands on her thighs as she doubled over. "Oh, that's rich. Who the hell dumps their boyfriend because someone _told _them to? What did I tell you, Shinji? I always said she was a--"

He didn't let her finish. Snarling, he reached out with his left hand, grabbing her shirt near the neck, and pushed. Pushed so she had to back up to avoid falling, pushed until the kitchen table bumped against her back, pushed until she was leaning back over it at an awkward angle. His right fist had curled itself into a fist and now hovered trembling in front of his chest. "Don't," he implored in a cracked whisper. "Please don't call her that." Tears blurred his vision.

Her expression, at any other time, would have been a comical mixture; shock combined with naked injury made her mouth as round as her startled eyes, wide blue eyes that blinked back at him, pupils dilated in fear. Or rage. Or both.

Quickly, however, those eyes narrowed dangerously and she heaved against him, sending him stumbling back. A red blur streaked towards the bedrooms, and almost instantly a door slammed loudly.

Groaning, Shinji leaned against the wall and let himself slide to the floor. "I'm sorry," he whispered at no one in particular. "I'm sorry."

Flesh whispered softly against flesh as Misato approached. Gentle hands gripped his shoulders. "Shinji, look at me."

Numbly he complied, gazing up at the woman helplessly. "I didn't mean to do that," he explained weakly. "I didn't... she just... I got so mad..."

Misato shook her head faintly, dark hair swaying. "Shinji, look. For what it's worth, I knew about you two the whole time, or near enough. I never said anything, though, because I could see how happy she made you."

He nodded blankly. "She does," he whispered. "Did. I... I need her."

Her hands tightened slightly on his shoulders. "I know. So if you need any help, or need anyone to talk to or anything... I'm here. Okay?"

Nodding again, he slumped, letting his head sag. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay," acknowledged Misato. "I'll... see about getting you a new phone. Just take it easy for now, alright?"

"Yes."

She ruffled his hair playfully, then stood. Quiet footsteps carried her to the kitchen, where the sounds that followed suggested she was preparing some instant noodles.

Wearily Shinji rose as well, pushing himself up onto leaden legs and shuffling into his room. He had some thinking to do.

* * *

As a weeping Rei vanished out of sight, cell phone clutched to her chest, Subcommander Fuyutsuki sighed. Never, in all the girl's life, had he seen her so upset. After a moment he shook his head, turning to the younger man seated next to where he stood. "Are you certain that was a good idea, Gendo?" 

Ikari snorted, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "You know the plan as well as I do," he answered flatly. "Do you want to risk it all for a crush?"

_A crush?_ wondered Kouzou doubtfully._ You think that was just some whim of hers?_ "You have never hurt her so badly before," he observed carefully.

"She is a teenaged girl," countered the Commander. "She will recover."

_A teenaged girl who thinks deeply._ Swinging his gaze back to the distant doors, Kouzou suppressed the urge to sigh again. "I suppose... I suppose it was a lose-lose situation the moment they got together," he mused.

Gendo nodded once. "You are correct about that, old friend."

He pursed his lips. "Have you thought about what happens next?"

"There is no 'next.' There is only the Angels and the plan."

Kouzou chuckled humorlessly. "Shinji can be a hothead, Gendo. He didn't like you much even before this."

"When I am done with him," vowed the Commander, "he will understand. He will agree with me."

"Of course."

* * *

The distance from NERV to Rei's apartment was not far -- that was part of why she lived where she did -- but her school shoes were not built for running, and her feet hurt. As soon as she reached her place, she slammed the door shut and kicked the offending shoes off. 

Hurrying into her room, she paused as her eyes fell on the cracked glasses that had once been the Commander's. Feeling her lips curl away from her teeth, Rei snatched them off the dresser, raising them high above her head with both trembling arms. Then she stood there.

She couldn't do it. Couldn't break them.

Groaning in defeat, she let them clatter back to the dresser and threw herself into her bed. The sheets were still tangled from last night's sleep, from the passion that had preceded it, passion never to be felt again now. They still smelled like him, she realized; the sheets, the pillow, everything smelled like the only warmth in her life, the only light that had kept the crushing shadows of solitude at bay.

_Shinji_. Tears leaked from her cheeks as she curled into a ball, pulling the sheets over herself like a cocoon, inhaling his scent. She could still hear his voice over the phone, so full of pain. Pain she could soothe, if he were with her, tears she could kiss away, worries she could ease and hopelessness she could comfort. _He needs me so much right now_.

Convulsively she stretched up, kissing the pillow with trembling lips. _Shinji_.

* * *

Asuka's eyes slid groggily open as she awoke, the darkness in the room telling her it was sometime in the middle of the night. Without moving a muscle she lay there, letting the fog of slumber dissipate, trying to determine what had awoken her, if anything. Nothing seemed out of place in the apartment, nothing moving or making noise. 

Sighing, she rolled over onto her side, planning to fall back asleep, but an irritant prevented that. _Damn it. The bed's warm; I don't want to leave it._ Grimacing, she threw back the covers, slid to her feet on the floor, and made for the bathroom.

Something caught her notice before she reached it, however. Shinji's door was open a few centimeters, as though he'd only gone through the motions of closing it, without bothering to see things through. Furthermore, noise was floating through the opening, an almost-silent rustling, as of clothing or sheets.

Frowning, Asuka put her eye to the gap, trying to keep the rest of her body hidden behind the door. Though the room was dark, illuminated only by the rogue glow of outdoor streetlights, enough bluish light filtered through the windows to paint a monochromatic scene.

Shinji was clearly awake, seated on his bed, apparently still in the clothes he'd been wearing earlier. He was slumped forward, head in his hands, shaking fiercely. This puzzled Asuka briefly until a soft gasp suggested he was actually crying, oblivious to her presence.

Taken aback, she studied him more closely. For some reason she found herself fascinated by how he moved; it was not a gentle trembling, as of lovers in the mood, but a full-fledged shaking, as though someone were shocking him, or he'd just climbed out of Lake Ashi in winter. It was... undignified.

She'd seen him lose control before, of course, heard him shrieking like a banshee as he went berserk -- or his Eva did it for him -- but those times, she reflected, were not like this. When he lost it in a fight, there was something feral in him, something savage, something dangerous and therefore respectable. Noble. Even when he triumphed over her, she could hate him because he was strong.

This shaking Shinji, however, was just... broken. Pitiful. Completely unintimidating. The smoldering remains of a man that had not yet collapsed into final stillness.

As she watched, it occurred to her that she'd never seen him cry before.

_Huh_, she mused, feeling vaguely guilty. _I guess... he seems really torn up. He's really just been sitting there all night crying?_

Worrying a lip, she tried to think of a single person she cared enough about to weep over at all, let alone for... four hours, or however long it had been since he'd gone in there. As the silence stretched without a single name popping up, she began to imagine something foreign within the bedroom, radiating from the unaware Shinji. Something... profound, something that stated clearly but without words that she and her prying eyes were not welcome. Her skin began to crawl.

She paused, then closed the door gently, taking care not to make any noise. With a tiny shake of her head, she continued on into the bathroom.

* * *

_Home, sweet home,_ sighed Misato as she unlocked the apartment door and shuffled inside. _A warm, comforting place, full of my dear, loving adopted children, quiet and... _She trailed off a step inside, frowning. 

The place _was _quiet, she realized. Peaceful. Granted, only Asuka was anywhere in evidence, but at least the kids weren't shrieking at one another or worse. The German girl sat on the futon, snacking on dried fruit as she watched television.

Misato's frowned deepened as she glanced around the place. Something was different. The light shining through the deck blinds was brighter, or perhaps the carpet was a lighter shade of...

"It's clean," stated Asuka cryptically, not looking away from the television.

Misato blinked. "What?"

"The apartment," clarified the girl. "It's clean. He cleaned it and just finished... twenty minutes ago, I'd say."

Shrugging, Misato kicked the door fully shut and tossed her beret on its peg. "So? Shinji always cleans."

"Yeah. Not like this." Asuka paused, biting off a chunk of shriveled plum. "He cleaned _everything_. Took a toothbrush to the kitchen floor, even dusted the futon. Made dinner for all three of us, too; yours is in the fridge, still, with plastic wrap and everything."

"Well, that was nice of him." Shaking her head, Misato opened the refrigerator and rummaged around inside, coming back with tastefully-arranged spring noodles and a diet soda; she'd tried to quit drinking recently, if only for Shinji's sake. The last thing he needed now was a drunk superior officer stumbling around.

Asuka snorted. "Well, he didn't _ask _if we wanted any of that done; he just went and did it. It was... a little weird," she added in a quieter voice. "A little creepy. He didn't smile or laugh or talk at all. He looked... dead, and moved like a robot."

"That is weird," allowed Misato after a moment._ I suppose he's allowed his own way of coping with the breakup, though. At least he's not breaking stuff._ "Where is he, anyway?" she wondered, glancing around.

"In bed."

"Bed?" she repeated, glancing back at the window. "It's not even dark out."

"Yeah."

Shrugging, Misato unwrapped the plate Shinji had left her, then stuck it in the microwave. "How was school?" she wondered, mostly to be conversational.

"Stupid," answered Asuka, "like always." She fell silent for a moment, allowing the microwave's hum and the television's inane babbling to fill the gap. "You know, it's dumb I even have to go there," continued the girl angrily. "I already know that crap anyway, and even if I didn't, the teacher's so bad that..."

"Kanji," interrupted Misato. "We both know that you know the material, Asuka. You go there to learn kanji while everyone else learns the other stuff."

"Whatever," sighed the redhead. "Stupid country."

Smirking in the privacy of the kitchen, Misato elected not to reply. Soon the microwave beeped its completion, and she obligingly grabbed the food from within, brought it to the table, and began to eat. _Ah, Shinji,_ she sighed at the first bite. _Such a nice boy_. Somehow he'd turned simple noodles and vegetables into something beautiful. Or perhaps it just seemed that way in comparison to the vending-machine fare at NERV.

"Kensuke's gone now too," murmured Asuka absently as she watched the television. "Touji's out, but he's still not in school, so it's just Hikari and me. And Shinji and Ayanami," she added, almost as an afterthought. "Those... I think Shinji looked at her once all day, and she didn't look at him at all. They both ate alone."

Misato raised an eyebrow at this, deciding at the last moment not to needle the girl about her apparent concern for Shinji, or at least his presence in her thoughts. _Man, that would suck_, she decided, blinking at her noodles, _to have to be at school and work with your ex. At least Kaji wasn't often around even when he was alive and here._

Thoughts of NERV soon turned to the near future. "There's a sync test tomorrow," she recalled, frowning. _That should be... interesting. The Subcommander's probably going to be pissed at the results._

Asuka bristled, sitting up straight on the futon, finally turning from the screen to glare at her. "You think I don't know that?" she demanded. "You think I'm not worried too? Misato, if you tell me one more time to relax and try my best, I swear to God I'm going to kill you."

Sighing, Misato let the girl finish, then shook her head. "I was thinking out loud, Asuka."

The redhead glared at her a moment longer, then grunted, settling back back into a moody silence on the futon. The television chattered away, talking heads reviewing current movies.

Lips twisted, Misato continued eating. There was, if anything, too much food, so eventually she wrapped the remainder up again and threw it back into the refrigerator.

With a frown she stepped into the hallway and shuffled towards the lone closed door. For a moment she hovered there, uncertain, but eventually knocked softly. "Shinji?"

No answer came.

"Shinji?" she repeated, a little more loudly, wondering if he was asleep. "Are you awake?"

Nothing. Silence but for tinny television voices.

Misato sighed, resting a hand against the closed door. "Shinji, I won't barge in there, but if you want to talk, you know where to find me, okay? I'm here tonight."

Briefly she waited there in case he replied, but when he did not, she wandered back to the living room and threw herself into a chair. _I'm not very good at this_, she decided, rubbing her face tiredly. _What does he need?_

No answers surfaced. Misato stewed while her charge remained lost in the television. Eventually she rose, muttering, and went to bed.

The next day brought little surprise, as far as the synchronization test was concerned. Asuka glared, Shinji stared blankly at nothing, and Rei sat completely still with her eyes closed. The scores, however, proved to be a different matter.

"Look at this," murmured Ritsuko. "I don't know if this is good news or bad, but Asuka didn't drop as much as last time."

"Good," answered Misato after a moment. "Though there's not much farther for her to drop."

"However," continued the doctor mildly, "Rei is down twenty points."

Misato gaped. "Twenty? Two weeks ago we were thrilled because she'd gone up _one_."

"That's correct," nodded Ritsuko absently, still scanning the results.

_Twenty_, sighed Misato. _I suppose I know what caused that, at least._ "How's Shinji?"

"He's fine."

"No, I mean how is he synchronizing?"

"He's fine," repeated Ritsuko, gesturing at the scrolling figures. "No change at all."

Feeling something almost like fear sink into her belly, Misato approached the other woman to examine the real-time data. "Wow," she murmured, baffled. "You're right." _What in the world...?_ Slowly she turned to the big screen, where Shinji's vacant eyes stared off through the LCL. _What's going on in your head?_ she wondered. _What are you bottling up in there?_

Before she could reach any conclusions, Ritsuko announced the end of the test. Misato, frowning, watched the kids as they exited their plugs. Asuka, for once not seeking a confrontation, strode immediately off to clean and change. Shinji seemed to hesitate, glancing at Rei with fearful, haunted eyes, but the girl swept past without looking at him, though her lips were tight and her eyes squeezed shut.

As the kids wandered off, the technicians began the warm-down procedures, moving slowly, chatting with one another. They were growing lax, Misato realized vaguely, turning to watch them. It had been too long since an Angel had appeared, perhaps. "Hurry up," she instructed curtly; they blinked, Makoto jumping. "Don't get sloppy now." After a moment Shigeru nodded and the three returned to their usual efficiency.

Sighing, Misato left the box for her office. Someone had dropped off a report there, something brief about how NERV was now planning to acquire a Fifth Child. _That'll be nice,_ she decided wryly.

Dismissing the news, she made her way down to the pilot lockers and waited. Asuka emerged almost instantly, giving her a withering look before striding away, but Misato remained leaning against the wall.

Eventually Shinji shuffled out of his side and blinked at her. He opened his mouth, then closed it again without speaking.

_He looks so tired,_ she realized, stepping closer to study him. There were circles under his eyes, as though he'd not slept well, which begged the question of what he'd been doing in his room the last two nights. His blue eyes were more lifeless than usual, and they did not quite meet her gaze, instead staring off at something beyond her shoulder.

"Shinji," she greeted quietly. "How are you feeling? I haven't really had a chance to talk to you."

"I'm fine, Misato," he whispered, moving only his lips.

"Are you sure?" she pressed, advancing another step closer. "You look dead on your feet. Do you want me to drive you home, or... anything?"

He twitched, eyes shifting slowly to meet her gaze owlishly, unblinking. For a moment she could see something in them, something excited or agitated, though it flickered and died before she could identify it. Eventually he slumped, shaking his head wearily. "No, that's... you don't need to do that. Walking might help. Fresh air, and... you know."

Misato nodded encouragingly. "Okay. Let me know if you need anything, though. Seriously. You have people who care about you."

Shinji's eyes closed at this and he began to tremble. "Not anymore," he whispered. "Only you, now." Shuffling forward, he slid arms around her ribs, under her jacket, and squeezed her in a tight hug. "You're the only one who cares now. I just... thank you."

She nodded again, eyes burning as she hugged him in return. _Such a sweet kid. I hope he gets better soon. He deserves better than to be in this kind of pain._

Shortly he released her, stepping back, and Misato did likewise, keeping her eyes averted. "Just... take it easy, okay?" she murmured. "Go home and relax and... I won't be home until late, though."

"I'll do what I can," he vowed quietly. "What I have to."

"Okay," she acknowledged, throwing one arm around him for a last hug. "I'll see you at home, then." As he mumbled agreement, she slipped past him and headed for the elevator.

_That was better than nothing_, she sighed as the steel doors closed in front of her. _He talked, at least. Actually looked at someone. He'll get better._

In short moments the doors reopened and she stepped out, trotting back towards her office. Another thought struck her, making her frown. _Was it the best idea to send him home to be with Asuka? On second thought, that might have been dumb. _She paused, then shook her head._ He'll be fine. They probably won't even talk._

Reaching her office, she ducked inside and flung herself into her chair. There she sat for a moment, staring at nothing, before finally shaking herself to attention. _Don't be so sentimental,_ she scolded herself ruefully. _He's been through a lot. He'll get over it; he's a trooper. _Chuckling, she leaned forward to tap her console back to attention. With the movement, however, dawned a vague awareness that something was not quite right, something physical.

Blinking, she glanced down, examining herself. Finding no visible explanation for her sense of mild alarm, she patted herself down.

Then she froze. _Where's my gun?_

* * *

Something swirled fitfully in Shinji's hollow chest as he stepped out of the elevator on the highest floor it would reach. His legs moved slowly, mechanically; his eyes would not quite focus. _I... I have to do this_, he told himself again. _I can't screw this up_. Misato's service pistol was heavy in his hand, a silent promise. 

He soon reached the door and found himself vaguely surprised that it opened for him. Within lay a vast low-domed office, as stark and unfriendly as he'd ever seen, illuminated by a cold bluish light that seemed to come from nowhere in particular. A faint chill touched his skin as he entered, though whether that was a result of the light, the person in the office, or simply cold air, he could not say.

The Commander was reading a report, he saw, and did not so much as glance up until Shinji was five paces away from the desk. "Third Child," he greeted flatly, returning to his reading. "I thought you might come here."

Shinji was not impressed. "I need to see Rei again," he whispered. The gun hung limply in his hand, at his side; he was certain his father had noticed it.

"You just saw Rei," countered the Commander absently, without looking up.

"I don't mean at a sync test," clarified Shinji. "I need you to let her talk to me. She won't do it without your permission."

"I know." The man's voice was cool, disinterested. "Keep that in mind."

Shinji felt himself frowning. "I need to see her," he repeated.

"No, I don't believe you do."

"You don't understand." He licked his lips, advancing a half-step. "I _need _her. She keeps me together. She was the only good thing in my entire life, and you took her away."

The Commander's head raised at this, and his features hardened slightly. "It is you who does not understand. This is for your own good."

"Bullshit." Shinji swallowed, but forced himself to continue. "You... you don't get to decide that about me. You don't know anything about me. You don't care. How can you think you know what's best for me?"

"It is not what I know about you," answered the man behind the desk. "It is what I know about Rei. It is what you do not know about her."

"I may not know _about _her," agreed Shinji shakily, "but I _know _her. I know her better than you do."

One corner of the Commander's lips curved in a humorless smile. "I sincerely doubt that. You might be quite surprised to learn the depth of your ignorance."

"Do you think I care?" wondered Shinji. "You have no idea how hard it is to pilot that thing, how much it hurts to fight. I don't care what you think you know about Rei, but she's everything to me. I need her."

Seemingly ignoring him, the other man leaned forward, pressing a glowing spot on his desk. "Send me Doctor Akagi."

"Right away, sir," came a woman's thin response.

Shinji shook his head slowly. "I don't care about Ritsuko. I want Rei."

"You cannot have her, Shinji."

"You don't get to call me by my first name," he rasped. "You don't have the right." Slowly he raised the gun, grabbed it with both hands, pointed it shakily across the table. "Call Rei right now. Tell her you've changed your mind."

The Commander stood, scowling. "Put the gun down."

_He fears the gun. Fears me._ "No."

"Put it down, Shinji."

"I said you don't get to call me that!" he shouted back. "Names are for people who care about each other! Now call Rei!" The gun was power in his hands, a rush of confidence.

"I'm not going to do that." The man's face was cold now, grim and angry. "You are making a mistake."

"A mistake," laughed Shinji nervously. "A mistake? How do you have the right to lecture me about mistakes? How? Where's Mother, Commander? Where's Touji? Talk to me about mistakes after you figure those things out." He paused, breathing deeply, trying to calm his shaking limbs.

The Commander scowled. "You know nothing," he growled. "You are a child throwing a tantrum."

Shinji closed his eyes. "Call Rei."

"No."

"Call her. Now."

"This is a mistake. You will suffer for this."

"I don't care," whispered Shinji, opening his eyes again. The sights had aligned on the face he hated so much. "Why would I? If I can't have Rei, I don't care what happens to me. Or what happens to you."

"Shinji--"

Something cracked loudly, propelled his arms back into his shoulders. The Commander's head jerked backwards, arms windmilling wildly; two halves of glasses, split at the bridge, sailed lazily away. Long legs stumbled back against a chair and the man fell out of sight, beyond the desk. The chair, spinning slowly, rolled to a halt some three paces away.

Silence. Silence but for the low hum of hidden machinery.

Blood. Red blood like splatters of black ink in the cool electric light.

Wide eyes. Rapid, uneven breath.

Numbly, almost as though he were watching through someone else's eyes, Shinji shuffled silently sideways, circling the table. Slowly a wide arc of wet speckled darkness on the floor appeared to his eyes, gradually resolving into the head and torso of the Commander. His face was webbed with glistening crimson, and a small but very artificial hole now lay between his unmoving eyes.

Shinji stared, coming to a halt as he stood over the body. The gun shook in his hands, still aimed desperately at the now-inanimate form of the Commander. _His eyes,_ wondered part of his thoughts distantly. _They're... kind of like mine._

Snarling, he fired again into the corpse, again and again, pouring bottled and helpless rage through his arms, into the warming metal in his hands, a black flood of savage release. Even when the barrel caught, the cartridge spent, he could not pull his finger from the trigger. His heart raced, a fluid thumping in his ears.

Vaguely he grew aware of other noise in the office, someone shouting. A woman. Ritsuko's voice. Shinji could not move except to shake, could not tear his eyes from the body. Booted running footsteps on the hard floor.

Something crashed into him, something heavy; black uniforms were all around, armed men. Shouting wordlessly, he struggled, losing his grip on the gun, but they were too many, too strong. Something cold and hard struck him behind one ear, and the world disappeared.


	10. Chapter 10: A Measure Of Understanding

_OEDIPUS: O Zeus, what hast thou willed to do with me!_

_JOCASTA: What is it, Oedipus, that moves thee so?_

_OEDIPUS: Ask me not yet; tell me the build and height  
Of Laius? Was he still in manhood's prime?_

_JOCASTA: Tall was he, and his hair was lightly strewn  
With silver; and not unlike thee in form._

_OEDIPUS: O woe is me! Mehtinks unwittingly  
I laid but now a dread curse on myself._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Ten: A Measure Of Understanding

"What happened to Ikari?"

Kouzou smiled faintly. He stood in a black space lit only by overhead sprays of various colors, each illuminating the silhouette of numbered man. SEELE's paranoia never ceased to amuse him, as though they truly believed he and Gendo had not known the identity of each member already. Not that any but Kiel himself were of paramount importance, but the others could hardly be dismissed.

"Gendo Ikari," he explained finally, "has suffered an Eva-related accident during our most recent tests. His condition is critical, and he is being treated in NERV's own facilities."

"An Eva-related accident," repeated Three's voice doubtfully. "Another berserker incident? You must not be so lax with your tools, Fuyutsuki."

"Something like that," he nodded, feeling the smile fade from his face. "The full report is still pending. I will, of course, keep the Committee informed."

"See that you do, Fuyutsuki," rumbled Eleven. "We will not tolerate any more deviations from the plan at this stage."

Kouzou folded hands behind his back, keeping his new white gloves concealed. "I helped write the plan," he noted plainly. "I will keep to it."

"Not your plan," growled Kiel. "Our plan."

"There is no reason to worry," he assured firmly, his voice echoing faintly in the office. "Everything will proceed as we have discussed. You will not even notice the difference."

A brief silence met his words. "You are taking control, then, during Ikari's recovery?" wondered Six.

"I am," he confirmed.

"We are watching you," warned Kiel dangerously, "so do not disappoint us. Commander." The lights and the figures winked out, replaced by the more familiar setting of Ikari's office. Now Kouzou's own office.

He smiled briefly to himself. He doubted he'd fooled any of them, but without proof, they would be too cautious to call him out. Though, he reflected, even with proof they likely wouldn't care; they hadn't held much affection for Gendo anyway, and if one part in the machine burnt out, you replaced it with another. Gears and circuits did not have names.

Sighing, he seated himself in the chair, idly flexing the fingers on his right hand. The palm still burned like he held a live coal, and it occurred now to him that the pain would probably never diminish. _A little late to worry about that now_, he decided ruefully.

With a shake of his head he brought up the console and keyed in a few commands, searching the building for Shinji Ikari. Quickly he found the boy; apparently Section Two was holding him in one of the lower cells.

Feeling his brow furrow, Kouzou leaned thoughtfully back in the chair. His words to the Instrumentality Committee notwithstanding, he was not at all certain that the plan would proceed as anticipated. With Gendo gone, he had his doubts that Rei would want to participate at all anymore, but even if she did, part of the motivation was now gone; a dead man could not be reunited with his wife in Instrumentality. Still, a world without pain, without war, would be a beautiful thing. _Yui wanted it_, he reminded himself._ It's worth it._

Tapping the console back to idleness, he rose and headed for the door. There were things he needed to do first.

* * *

In the silent darkness, there was little to do but think. 

_I'm a killer_, thought Shinji blankly for the thousandth time. _I killed somebody._ Lifting his hands, he peered through the inky blackness as though he could see them at all, as though seeing them could provide some measure of understanding of what had happened, some wordless insight.

_I killed. I took a life. _Whenever he closed his eyes, and sometimes when they were still open, he could see blood. Sprays of blood on the smooth office floor, cracked and dry blood on his hands and face, in his clothes. An almost-unbroken film of blood on the body, ejected from messy entrance wounds. Blood he'd had no right to take, the blood of his own kind.

That blood had belong in the body of a man. The tiny bits of skull and worse among the blood had likewise belonged in a man's head, the Commander's head. The human body had defenses again simple tumbles, against illness and fatigue and heat; those were things one simply got over with and forgot. But there were no defenses against thirteen gunshots to the face and chest. No defense against screaming lead and the satiated smell of gunpowder.

_I'm so screwed,_ he groaned silently, placing his face in his shaking hands. Fear and horror still swirled in his belly, the same sensation he used to have on waking up with the realization that he'd forgotten to do some vital piece of homework. _But this is serious_, he lamented. _I'll get something worse than extra cleanup duty for this. Prison. Maybe death._ Would they kill a pilot? The only one who could still pilot Unit-01? Which would be worse, he wondered, to be placed in front of a firing squad to suffer the same death he'd inflicted on another, or just to be left in solitary confinement until he died in the smothering darkness? _Or maybe they'll make me pilot, still. That's like a death sentence in itself. I'll fight Angel after Angel until one finally tears me apart._

He drew a quaking breath. _But does it matter? Without Rei, I don't even care. I'm already dead._ Rubbing his eyes, he slumped where he sat.

A short time later he swayed with a silent chuckle. The one thing that did not bother him, he reflected, was that it had been his father whom he'd killed. _I wonder if anyone will be the funeral. Or if there will even be one_.

He paused._ I wonder what Mother would think._

Sudden noise outside the cell preceded a scraping sound, and a rectangle of blinding white light appeared in place of the door. Shinji held up a blood-caked hand, squinting in pain against the tall silhouette that stepped inside.

"Shinji Ikari," began a low voice he knew. "How do you feel?"

"Cold," he whispered at the floor. _So bright. _"Tired."

"As an old man, I know exactly how you feel," murmured the Subcommander. Though by now he was probably just the new Commander.

Shinji nodded once, waiting. Fuyutsuki had not come just to chat.

"You look rather grim, still," observed the older man's shadow. "I recommend cleaning up and finding new clothes before you head home."

Too weary to laugh, Shinji shook his head. "Home? After what I did?"

Fuyutsuki spread his hands. "What did you do?"

_Are you kidding me?_ "I killed the Commander."

"No," disagreed the other man mildly. "Gendo Ikari died in a mishap during a test of the Evangelion units. As the only witness, you were unfairly accused and placed in a holding cell for eleven hours."

Lifting his head against the glare of the hallway outside, Shinji scowled at the Subcommander, or whatever he was now. "What are you talking about?"

Fuyutsuki seemed to hesitate, but shortly he shuffled forward, deeper into the darkness, and squatted on his heels. "Shinji, listen to me," he implored gravely, his voice low. "As far as the world outside is concerned, NERV is a black box; money and materials go in, Evangelions come out and Angels die. The inner workings of the box are unknown and unimportant. Do you understand?"

Shinji shook his head once more._ Do I care?_

"So what happens in the box," continued the older man, "ultimately does not matter, so long as the box continues to function. NERV is a very serious organization, Shinji; there is a chain of command starting at the top and running all the way down to the fellow who cleans the elevator buttons. If one Commander dies -- or disappears -- there is another to take his place, and so on, until there are simply too few people for it to matter at all anymore.

"Pilots, however," he sighed, "are another matter. You are irreplaceable. Though it is true that, in theory, another pilot could be located and trained to take your place, Unit-01 no longer works for any but yourself. So what would you have us do? You are a criminal -- a murderer -- but it would serve humanity rather poorly to imprison you, and then have everyone die in the next Angel attack as a result."

Shinji swallowed. "So... what? I can just walk out of here?" _Am I dreaming this?_

Fuyutsuki grunted, standing back to his full height. "Yes. Like I said, I would first clean up. And be aware that, due to your apparent instability, there will now be rather heavy surveillance of everything you do."

"I always figured there was anyway," sighed Shinji. "Subcommander?"

"Commander."

"Commander... how is Rei?" He chewed a lip. _She probably hates me now_.

"She is grieving," answered Fuyutsuki. "She is upset, of course -- almost everyone is -- but she has taken it badly. I would speak with her, if I were you."

Warmth, nearly dead, stirred in Shinji's heart. "I... I can see her again? Did you tell her that?"

"Shinji, I am not going to restrict either of your activities in that respect." The new Commander sounded tired. "I think you understand now what kind of responsibilities you have, and how badly things can fail, so... don't do anything stupid. Just make certain to ask her about where she came from."

"Fine. I can do that." He waited, confused, wondering if he just ought to stand and walk past the other man and to his freedom.

Without answering Fuyutsuki turned and stepped out of the cell. "Escort him to the pilot lockers and call a taxi."

"Sir," acknowledged a male voice. Fuyutsuki disappeared into the hallway.

Holding up a hand against the light, Shinji climbed unsteadily to his feet, feeling his body sway wearily; if he'd really been in there for eleven hours, he reflected, it was the middle of the night now. As his eyes grew accustomed to the light, he shuffled out of the cell.

In a grim steel hallway, a pair of men had been set to guard him, menacing figures in black body armor and carrying assault rifles. He addressed the nearest one. "I'm... ready, I guess."

The soldier nodded, slinging the gun over his shoulder. "This way, Pilot Ikari."

* * *

Rei's eyes flickered open in the bright sunlight. Her blank ceiling stared back at her. 

Tiredly she led her eyelids slide back closed._ I'm still here_, she sighed. _The Commander still is not._

Without him, she was... lost. Without purpose. Fuyutsuki wished to go ahead with the plan anyway, and she had agreed, if only because the Commander -- her Commander -- had wanted it. Even so, she felt empty, rudderless, adrift. Moving mechanically through the motions of living, all the empty waiting.

_Why?_ she wondered bleakly._ Why did Shinji do that?_ Just days ago, she could remember feeling angry at the Commander, perhaps hating him, but now the man was dead. Her anger, with nowhere to flow, had since settled into stagnant pools somewhere inside her, filming over, contained.

_Shinji_. A knife-twist of pain slashed through her heart at the thought, both her own pain and his. First the Commander, and now Shinji; men she had trusted with everything had hurt her in ways she had not even dreamed were possible. The Commander, in retrospect, had been a ruthless personality, cruel to nearly everyone but her, so perhaps it was not so surprising from him, but to have Shinji do so as well had shocked her, had broken her as thoroughly as a beating in a shadowy alley.

Even so, she could not blame him. She knew why he'd done it. Fuyutsuki had explained things politely, stating that since the office was perhaps the one place in NERV that was not the target of surveillance electronics, there was no way to tell what the two Ikari men had been discussing, if anything, but Rei knew. Fuyutsuki knew also, she suspected. They'd been arguing about her. Nothing else could possibly have driven Shinji to do what he had done.

_Oh, Shinji._ How much must the breakup have hurt him? Rei could not imagine the agony it would take to drive her to murder over such a thing. Guilt flared a line up through her middle from the knowledge that she herself had inflicted that pain on him, though it had been at the Commander's order. _So_, she frowned, _if the Commander made me break up with Shinji, and the breakup made Shinji murder the Commander... does that mean the Commander effectively killed himself?_ She sighed, pondering that, face tight. _No, of course not. That would absolve Shinji and me. We are guilty too._

Another uncomfortable thought simmered somewhere deep inside. _If he is hurting now, how much will he hurt later?_ Rei had no way of knowing, but imagined it would be a great deal. The Commander, in his last conversation with her, had explained his reasoning, her origins.

She had known a fraction of it before, had known about the clones, the replacements. What she had not known was the identity of the woman from whom her DNA had largely come. The Commander had spoken the name in a tone of heavy gravity, as though it would stun her, but it had simply confused her. She understood that people's romantic and family relations typically did not overlap, but not _why _that might be. _Will Shinji even care? _she wondered._ I did not give birth to him. Perhaps... perhaps it is unimportant. I will find out, one day._

Squeezing her eyes more tightly shut, she rolled to her stomach, turning her face away from the window's warmth. School would be starting soon, if it had not already, but she could hardly make herself care. She suspected there would not be school for much longer in any case, not if the plan was really nearing completion.

Some time later, a knock at the door stirred her from a sweaty, uncomfortable slumber. Lifting her head from the pillow, she blinked.

The knock sounded again. "Rei?" asked a soft, uncertain voice. "Are you there?"

_Shinji?_ she wondered, horrified._ He's out already?_ The last she had heard, he'd been locked up somewhere deep underground. She had not expected to have to face him again so soon.

"Rei?"

Sliding tiredly from the bed, she shuffled to the door, feeling pain curl her fingers with every step. With her hand on the knob she paused, trying to calm her pounding heart, before finally opening it.

Shinji stood in the hall, one elbow on the doorframe as he leaned there, his posture shouting weariness. He lifted his head as the door opened, staring at her with wide, haunted eyes. His face was as pale as she'd ever seen it. "Rei," he whispered. "We need to talk. If you'll see me," he added helplessly.

Numbly she backed off, allowing him room to enter. He did so, shutting the door quietly behind him, not meeting her gaze.

"Rei," he began again after a moment of silence. "I don't..."

"Why did you do it?" she asked flatly, stepping closer, making him look her in the eye. "Why did you kill him?"

"It was an accident," he answered, swallowing, tearing his gaze away. "I didn't mean..."

"You emptied the cartridge in Major Katsuragi's pistol," she explained, hearing her voice rise. "That was not an accident."

"The first shot was," he protested. "I mean... I don't know. He kept calling me by name, after I told him not to. Kept saying it was for my own good, that he knew something about you that I didn't."

Ignoring the implicit question in his words, Rei clenched her teeth as the old anger swirled again. "It was not an accident."

Shinji rubbed a trembling hand over his face. "No," he agreed weakly. "I guess it wasn't."

"Why?" she asked again, more loudly, her voice sounding almost shrill to her own ears. "Why? Did you really think a gun would make him change his mind?" Moving of its own accord, her right hand balled into a fist and struck him in the chest. Hot tears blurred her vision. "Did you think I'd just forget about it if you killed him? Did you think I wouldn't care? He was your own _father_, Shinji! Why didn't you just try to talk to him? We could have been friends, at least, or..." She trailed off, choking and sniffling. She was pummeling him, she realized, fists flailing without reason or control.

Shinji backed away under the onslaught, arms held protectively before him. "Friends?" he repeated incredulously. "Rei, you couldn't even bring yourself to look at me! What was I supposed to think?"

"I was afraid," she snapped, scrubbing a hand across her face to glare at him. "I knew what would happen if I let myself see you."

In the momentary respite, he reached out to grab her upper arms, the feel of his warm fingers on her skin reminding her that she was wearing only the underwear she'd worn to bed. He held his arms stiffly, slightly bent, as though uncertain whether he should be trying to pull her closer or push her farther away. "Why didn't you say anything?" he whispered, pain audible in his voice. "I thought you were gone forever. I didn't know what to do. I needed you so badly."

His words dragged a sob out of her throat. Struggling free from his grasp, Rei turned and ran to the bed, curling into a ball and pulling the sheets around herself like a cloak. Shuddering, she placed the back of a linen-clad hand against her mouth to stifle the wordless keening she could no longer keep silent.

Shinji followed slowly, head down. "I don't think there's anything I could say," he sighed, his voice a hopeless monotone. "I'm a killer, and you're right to hate me. I just needed to talk to you one last time."

She shivered, burying her face in her arms. "Shinji, don't talk like that," she pleaded, groaning.

"Why not?" he countered tersely. "I don't deserve someone like you anymore. I probably never did." His footsteps shuffled to a halt a pace away.

Wiping her face on the sheets, Rei glanced up at him helplessly. "Shinji, I don't..."

Dead blue eyes met her own. "You don't what?"

"I don't want you to go," she admitted hoarsely, swallowing. "You know I hate to see you like this. Please, just... just... let me talk to you. Let me help."

He hesitated, visibly uncertain. "Do you mean that?" he whispered. "After... after everything?"

"Shinji, I... _hurt_. A lot." She paused, deciding how to explain it. "But you hurt too, and your pain hurts me even more."

A peculiar expression crossed his face, one she could not identify; though she had expected him to relax, he still seemed tense, almost guarded. "Fuyutsuki told me to ask you about yourself," he recalled quietly. "Why did he do that, Rei?"

Dread boiled in her stomach. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... where did you come from?" He looked as nervous as she felt. "What is there about you that I need to know?"

She lowered her gaze to the floor; there could be no secrets between them. Exhaling heavily, she began her explanation.

* * *

When Rei finished talking, Shinji barely noticed. Black horror raged inside, clawing at his sanity, stealing his senses._ My... my mother? How?_

"Shinji?" Her soft voice barely registered in his awareness.

Something bumped into his back, and he vaguely realized he'd backed across the room and into the opposite wall, near the door. Rei was staring at him from the bed, he saw, her face torn between concern and embarrassment. "What?" he managed, licking his lips.

"Are you well?" She chewed an uncertain lip. "Is this...? This must be a problem?"

"A problem?" he repeated, bewildered. "You... you don't get it, do you?"

"No," she answered, frustration audible in her voice, eyes tight in hurt. "I don't understand. Why does it bother you?" As though cold, she hugged the sheets tighter around herself, sheets on which they'd sweated so often, doing things that had seemed exciting at the time, but which now struck him as filthy and unspeakable.

"Shinji, I am not your mother," she continued softly. "I only share her DNA." Hesitating, she sniffled absently, then unwrapped her arms from herself, holding them out, offering an embrace. "Shinji. Please talk to me."

The sight of her, arms out, head a fuzzy silhouette in the brightness of the window behind her, struck his core, drawing images out from wherever they lay tucked. Some were recent; some not.

_...Rei's face, smiling, loving..._

_...chestnut-brown hair, brown eyes, smiling down at him, loving; tiny hands patting at her face, trying to grasp the essence of this warm and shining person..._

_...a soft voice murmuring comfort, gentle lips kissing his ear, the sheets thick with the intoxicating scent of lust..._

_...warm fingers stroking his hair, soothing away his hungry tears; something familiar against his lips, a source of nourishment..._

_...warm fingers stroking his hair, a reassuring whisper, melting the last of his problems; her breath catching as his playful tongue flickered across a nipple..._

"Shinji?"

He blinked, focusing on Rei still sitting there, still hoping to hug away his problems. The sheets had fallen slightly, allowing him a view of her simple bra, of the soft valley between her breasts; even now, the sight aroused him as much as it had before, a realization which sickened him, bringing bitter bile into his throat.

Swallowing, feeling sweat beading on his face, he reached blindly behind him for the doorknob. _I have to get out of here._ His hand settled over the knob, twisted and pulled it.

"Shinji?" A note of alarm entered her voice, and she unfolded herself to follow him. "Shinji, please don't go." In Rei's haste her foot got tangled in the sheets, making her stumble. Still in her underwear, face glistening with tears, she reached a helpless, beseeching hand out to him.

Shinji backed into the hallway and slammed the door. Heart thundering so hard he could feel it in his hands, he turned and sprinted, running as fast as he could to the nearest stairwell. He took the steps three at a time, shoes skidding on the landings and switchbacks. Once outside he continued to run until the apartment was safely out of sight. Only then did he stumble to a halt, planting hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Rei would not follow him, he knew, not without dressing first; he had time.

_I can't believe this_, he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. _How is it even possible? Shouldn't I have known? Shouldn't I have... felt something?_ The bile rose again, fierce bitterness in his throat.

Staggering to one side, he fell to his knees and vomited into the grass next to the sidewalk, stomach clenching again and again in protest of the horror his mind could barely address. Long moments passed before he finally fell back, wiping a shuddering hand over his mouth. _This is so messed up. How am I going to...?_

A sudden siren interrupted his thoughts, shattered the warm midday silence. Loudspeakers all over the city blared to life. "As of now, a special state of emergency has been declared over the Tokai region. Residents are advised to..."

Shinji shifted his startled gaze to the heavens, but could see nothing but bulbous clouds and patches of blue sky. After a moment he slumped. _Shit_.

* * *

Asuka breathed deeply, composing herself as her Eva's groundward launch pressed her firmly against the seat, the pressure tangible even through the cushioning of the LCL. _Don't screw this one up,_ she commanded herself firmly. _We've all seen the way they look at you; Ritsuko would be all too happy for an excuse to send you packing. This is your last chance, Asuka._

In short order she reached the the surface. Leaping out of the lift, she brought to bear the rifle they'd given her, a heavy thing they hoped would be able to reach orbit. A heavy rain had moved in since the Angel was sighted, and rivulets of water flowed down her Eva's crimson armor, but she felt none of it; she was not synchronizing well enough to notice such subtle stimuli. _Fuck the sync rate_, she decided, aiming the rifle skyward and waiting for the targeting electronics to do their work. _I'll show them I can do this without..._

A sudden flare of white light appeared in the rifle's sights. _What the hell?_

Light. Pain. Pressure, everywhere. She

_hey_

fought it instinctively, grinding teeth in effort as she resisted what seemed like an invisible fist closing

_let me in_

over the boundaries her mind. Grunting, she fired the rifle, only vaguely aware of the beam veering harmlessly off into the sky. "Damn it," she rasped, reaching for

_i'm coming in_

another weapon, anything else. The pallet rifle was useless at this range, but she hefted it anyway, squeezing off round after futile round at nothing in particular.

Discarding the gun without a second thought, she paused to evaluate her options, but something reached inside her, dug through the hard-packed clay of her mind to unearth memories she had thought long since buried. Shuddering pain racked her body at this sense of violation, at this most base and intimate theft. Forgotten images flickered in her eyes, obscuring what already lay in her vision.

_...a hospital..._

_...a doll..._

_...a rope..._

_...Asuka..._

She screamed.

* * *

The tactical network carried Asuka's increasingly-panicked shrieks clearly to the command center. Every now and then she seemed to gasp a word, a _no _or a _stop _or some such. 

_That's a little distressing,_ frowned Kouzou. _Like this it can disable every pilot we through at it, without ever having to come close enough to get hurt._ He had not anticipated such an attack.

"Asuka!" shouted Misato. "Retreat!"

"No!" growled the girl back. "I'd rather die here!"

"Well, if that's what she wants," shrugged Ritsuko suggestively, quiet enough not to reach the network pickups.

"No," decided Kouzou. Things might be different if Asuka hadn't fired off the particle rifle before it had gotten a fix on the target, but now there was a weapon up there capable of reaching the Angel, but without a pilot to use it. "Begin charging the rifle again," he commanded. "Sortie Unit-01 to the surface. Shinji will attack the Angel when the gun is ready."

Ritsuko frowned at him. "Unit-01 is in combat lock."

"Not anymore," he shrugged.

"Don't do this," urged the blonde quietly, shuffling closer to where he stood. "We cannot afford to have it breached by an Angel."

"This Angel is not an encroachment-type," he countered, just as softly. "There is no danger of contamination from way up in orbit."

"Not of the Eva," agreed Ritsuko. "But what about Shinji?"

Kouzou raised an eyebrow, skeptical of this sudden display of concern. "We have to defeat it somehow," he pointed out. "Shinji knows what he is about. Do it," he added more loudly, to Misato.

The major nodded. "Shinji, we're launching you! Grab the rifle that's up there, target the Angel, and shoot when the display says it's ready! Maya!"

* * *

_No_, willed Shinji silently as the lift propelled his Eva upward. Not now. The LCL in the entry plug did not make the sour vomit in his mouth taste any better. 

All too soon he reached the surface. The still, hunched form of Unit-02 stood in what looked like an overpowered spotlight next to the discarded rifle he was supposed to use. Teeth bared in a frightened snarl, he tried not to listen to Asuka's whimpering cries as he scrambled to retrieve the weapon.

Lifting it to his shoulder, he trained the thing up towards the Angel, but a blinking timer made him swear out loud. Fourteen seconds remained. Fourteen seconds to stand there, to listen to...

"No," whispered Asuka, her voice high and small like a little girl's. "No. Go away. Please..."

_Is she talking to me?_ "Asuka?"

"No, I don't want to see this," she groaned, seemingly on the edge of tears. "I can't take... no, please, just get out of me..."

He swallowed, keeping his eyes on the countdown. "Asuka, hold on."

"Please, I'm so... Shinji? Where... are you here?" She was barely whispering now. "Get away, Shinji. Don't get anywhere near this thing. It's not worth it."

"Keep fighting it, Asuka," he pleaded. _Whatever it is._ As the timer reached zero in the display, he squeezed the trigger, watched as the beam lanced, straight as an arrow, into the heavens... and scattered against an AT field. _Shit_.

"No," moaned Asuka weakly. "Mother, don't... I'll be good. You don't have to... no, don't..."

Shinji dropped the useless rifle to the street below, then gazed at the motionless Unit-02 beside him, his eyes burning. _No one should have to go through that_, he decided. _Except maybe me._

Screaming, he shoved the other Evangelion out of the way and placed himself in front of the Angel's attack. Agony seared into him, a jumble of thoughts and images that quickly resolved into the face of pain.

* * *

"Shinji's dropped the gun!" announced Aoba. "He's in the beam now!" 

Kouzou rubbed his eyes. He felt like a child again, trying to get a ball out of a tree by throwing another ball at it, only to lose a half-dozen balls in the branches and still be stuck empty-handed. "Rei," he called.

"Yes," acknowledged the girl flatly over the network.

He sighed. This was something he had hoped to avoid at all costs, but all their other weapons were useless against an enemy so high in space. "Go to Terminal Dogma," he commanded. "Get the Lance and use it against the Angel." _SEELE won't be happy. But then, when are they?_

"Yes."

* * *

The crippling pain and inky shame that had come to define existence took some time to subside, and even so afterimages still strobed across her mind, scenes of humiliating defeat, spikes of raw emotion in her mind. Eventually vision returned hazily, showing her the interior of a red-tinted cylinder. 

_The entry plug,_ recognized Asuka vaguely. _I'm still in the Eva? What happened to the Angel? Did we... did I defeat--_

"No!" screamed Shinji from somewhere nearby, a clawing panic evident in his voice. "No! Father!"

Shaking her head to clear it, Asuka managed to uncurl herself from the ball she'd been in, then glanced at the monitors. Something was shining on Shinji from above, a glowing parody of divine attention. "Shinji?"

Unit-01 doubled over, clutching its head. "I'm so sick of you!" gasped Shinji's voice over the network. "I'm not afraid of you anymore! Do you hear me?"

_What is he doing there?_ wondered Asuka, frowning. _Why did he do that to me? _"You idiot, get out of the beam," she snapped, but he did not respond except to release a low groan. "Shinji, move! This is my fight!"

"Father," he whispered. "You're dead; you can't... no, don't do... no! Come back!"

"Whatever," she muttered. "Two can play this game." Gripping the controls, she willed the Eva to stand, but nothing happened.

"Please," pleaded Shinji in a broken whisper. "I know what she is. Don't make me... no... please, no..."

_What?_ Asuka blinked at the screens in Unit-02, trying to determine what was wrong. _Am I out of power? No, I'm still plugged in. _"Move!" she commanded, shaking the controls angrily. "Get up!"

Shinji coughed a ragged sob, his voice barely audible. "No," he begged. "No. No more." His words quickly blended together into a constant moan.

"Get _up!_" snarled Asuka at the unmoving Eva. "Get up, you stupid doll! What's wrong with you? Why won't you...?" She trailed off, belatedly noticing how her entire body was quaking, fingers and toes clenched, teeth bared. _Is it the Eva,_ she wondered distantly, _or is it me?_ Her body remembered the pain of the rape-beam viscerally, she realized, and would not go back into it, not for Shinji, not for anyone. His voice, highlighting her weakness, was now just a whimpering cry, begging for help.

Her eyes burned as she attacked the controls with renewed fury. "Get up," she commanded in a whisper. "Get up! You stupid thing; I hate you so much! Move! Move! _Move!_" Unit-02 did not comply.

Slumping, defeated, Asuka bit back a sob. _I'm so patheti_c, she lamented. _Can't even get my Eva to stand. Can't take a hit for someone else. I'm a coward, just like stupid Shinji._

Sudden comprehension dawned, and she gasped, wide-eyed. With the realization of her weakness, she could understand some of what motivated him. He'd heard her cries before jumping into the beam, she knew; he'd known it was going to be painful beyond imagining. Someone who identified himself as weak wouldn't have rescued another that way for show, for bragging rights, for praise from his superiors.

No. He'd done it just because he hadn't wanted her to be in pain.

"Shinji," she whispered, feeling tears leak into the surrounding LCL. "Please get out of there. Please."

When he didn't reply, she turned her attention back to her own Eva. "Move," she begged anew, punctuating the word by pounding the controls helplessly with her fists. "Move! Damn it, move! Move..."

* * *

As Rei stepped out of the lift, heavy Lance in Unit-00's hands, Shinji had already fallen silent. Stepping past the motionless forms of the other two Evangelion units nearly tore her heart in two -- she wanted to do what Shinji had done, to tackle him out of harm's way and suffer in his place -- but her orders were to take up position and be ready to throw. It would not take the MAGI long to compute a trajectory for the Lance. 

_Shinji_, she wept, turning around; his audio feed now carried only his haggard breathing. Hefting the Lance like an ancient javelin, she blinked tears from her eyes._ Shinji. I hope you are unconscious._

"Almost there, Rei!" encouraged Misato over the network. "Just a few more seconds!"

Rain continued to fall, dripping cleanly into the street in this oddly bloodless battle. What had been spilled instead, however, was infinitely worse, the suffering of brutal indignity, the wrenching theft of sanity. She'd heard Ritsuko murmuring moments back, wondering idly if Shinji would even have a mind left when this was done. _I hope so. I... I would have liked to talk to him, just once more._

"Here it is, Rei!" called Misato triumphantly. "Go!" Numbers and figures began scrolling across her screens rapidly.

Taking a moment to commit the calculations to memory, Rei shuffled a few steps forward, then threw with all her might. The Lance streaked heavenward, crackling into a sleek new shape before piercing a hole in the grey clouds. A moment later, the beam winked out.

Shinji groaned audibly. Unit-01 collapsed into a disorganized heap.

Biting her lips, she rushed to help him, to get him out of the Eva. She wasn't certain what good it would do, but at least breathing normal air might provide some slight comfort.

"Rei, stop!" called Misato's voice over the network. "Don't touch either of the other Evas until we can be sure they're not contaminated in any way."

"Yes," she acknowledged hoarsely. Unit-00's hands paused, hovering a meter above Unit-01's entry plug._ Shinji... I can't help you. I'm sorry. _As the rain continued, she stood in place, able neither to reach closer nor to back off. Unmoving, helpless, she wept.


	11. Chapter 11: Doll Parts

_Not Ister nor all Phasis' flood, I ween,  
Could wash away the blood-stains from this house,  
The ills it shrouds or soon will bring to light,  
Ills wrought of malice, not unwittingly.  
The worst to bear are self-inflicted wounds._

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Eleven: Doll Parts

Shinji lay on top of the bed's covers, still in his clothes, wide awake in the darkness. Curled into a ball on one side, he stared at the wall without really seeing it. The silence in the apartment seemed a fitting match for the icy hopelessness inside him.

_I hate him. I hate him so much._ If there was one thing the last Angel's attack had shown him, it was that his life had been characterized entirely in terms of loneliness and suffering, and that it had all been because of his father. Completely and without exception. Every moment of pain he'd ever felt could be traced, without many steps, to something his father had done to him, or failed to do.

_If you were still alive_, decided Shinji, baring teeth silently,_ I'd kill you again._ But what was the point now? What point in hating a man who could only be killed once? All his rage was focused against a target which was now forever immune to harm. _You killed Mother. You left me all alone. You crippled Touji. You made Rei, and then used to her to hurt us both. I hate you so much, but there's nothing I can do about it now. _Squeezing his eyes shut, he curled tighter into himself.

Things might have been different, once. He could recall a time, just days ago -- though it felt like years -- when Rei could have helped him. Now the sight of her twisted his insides, made him feel dirty. Ill.

Not that he hadn't tried anyway, with her. After his post-battle checkup with Ritsuko, she had been waiting for him. He'd stepped out of the examination room to find her there in the hallway, red eyes wide and open, offering everything she could give. He'd been tempted to let her give it, had hesitated there, staring at her for all of ten heartbeats. Then she'd raised a hand towards his cheek, and all the images had come flashing back, the warmth, the taste of milk, the smell of sex.

He'd run, then, brushed past her and run down the hallway, swallowing against the sour urge to vomit again. She was there if he wanted her, one last fucked-up gift from his father. A way to twist the knife from beyond the grave.

_You turn everything that gives me joy into a source of pain._ Shivering, he hugged knees to his chest. _Father, I hate you so much._

* * *

Asuka sniffled tiredly in the night's protective gloom. _God damn it_, she sighed angrily, pulling the covers over her head. _I hope I'm done crying again._

She was not accustomed to crying. She was not accustomed to having her mind violated, either, to seeing everything she'd tried to forget over the last ten years thrown in her face, to having everyone at NERV hear her begging her mother not to kill her.

And so she'd been weeping, in the dark, alone. For three hours or so she'd sobbed into her pillow over an attack against her mind that had lasted, from what she could tell, for less than five minutes. Then she'd recalled how it had ended, and had spent another hour crying in sheer cowardly gratitude that it had ended it all, that Shinji had made the pain stop. This last disgusted her, the mindless flinching at the thought of more pain, the craving for relief at any cost, like someone breaking under torture.

_Broken_, she mused bleakly, pressing a fistful of blanket firmly against her eyes. _That's me._

She'd been thinking about the end of the attack a great deal. Thinking about Shinji. He shouldn't have done what he did, not for her. Since he had, NERV now had to deal with two nearly-worthless pilots instead of one. Nevertheless, in her current state she could admit she was glad he had. She owed him.

It felt strange, owing something to someone. She was not entirely certain how to proceed.

He was still awake, she knew; she'd not heard his dresser drawers sliding in and out as they did every night when he changed into the clothes he wore to bed. _He was in the beam longer than I was_, she reflected uneasily. _I... I wonder how he's doing. I suppose the least I could do is check on him._

Wiping her face one last time with the blankets, she slipped to her feet. Making little noise, she stole into the hallway and approached his door. A moment of careful listening did not reveal any obvious sobbing. Perhaps he actually had gone to sleep.

_Now what?_ she wondered, frowning. _Whatever. If he's asleep he won't hear anyway._ Knocking gently on the door with one knuckle, she slid it open just a crack. "Shinji?"

He did not answer. Though she could only see a slice of his wall, there came the soft sound of shifting cloth, as though he'd heard and was trying to ignore her.

Lips thinning, she opened the door enough to see him curled into a fetal ball on the bed, head buried in his arms. "Shinji, can I come in? I... I just want to talk to you."

"Why?" he asked in a dead whisper. "You're just going to hurt me."

_Fuck this,_ she sighed, reaching to shut the door again. Her hand paused, however, fingers resting on the cool surface. _No, I'm not running from this wimp. Then I really would be pathetic. _"Shinji, I'm coming in. I'm not going to be mean to you." Swallowing the bitter words in her mouth, she slipped inside, closing the door behind her.

He said nothing, instead curling tighter as though hiding his face would make her go away. Asuka eyed him for a moment, then shuffled uncertainly towards the bed. "It sucks," she murmured, "doesn't it?"

"What sucks?"

"This does," she clarified, gesturing at him though he couldn't see it. "We're the only people in the world who know what it's like to have that happen, Shinji." Hesitating briefly, she seated herself lightly on the edge of the mattress.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Lucky us."

"Yeah," she agreed, resting her chin in her hands and staring at the opposite wall. "I feel like someone took everything that makes me who I am and smeared it on the bathroom walls for everyone to see."

Shinji did not answer right away, though she could hear him drawing a shaking breath. Eventually he sighed. "I hate him."

"Who?" she wondered without looking at him. "Your dad?"

"I hate him," repeated Shinji weakly. "I want to hurt him more."

Asuka frowned at the wall. "Shinji, he's dead. You emptied a clip into his face." She was still shocked at that, horrified that quiet, gentle Shinji would do such a thing._ Not that I blame him. If it were me, I'd have done it a long time ago._

"I know," he snapped. "You think I don't know that?"

She sighed tiredly. "Shinji... look. What I'm trying to say is... I know how you feel. I was there too. You shouldn't have helped, but you did, so... thank you." She blinked. _That wasn't too hard._

"I deserved it," he whispered. "I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner."

"Well, whatever," she acknowledged quietly. "Just... remember that I understand what it's like. So, if you want, we can talk about it and... maybe help each other out."

"Maybe," he allowed. "Right now I just... I want to be alone."

"Okay." Frowning, she reached a hand out to touch his ankle, the closest part of him to her; he tensed, but did not jerk away. "Shinji, don't forget what I said."

He rolled his shoulders uncomfortably but did not reply. Asuka waited a moment, then stood and left him to his solitude.

* * *

Rei stood on the sidewalk, staring up at the apartment building, squinting against the sun behind it. She'd been there only once before, months ago. A life ago. 

With Commander Ikari gone now, her only remaining anchor in life was Shinji; he was partly the cause of her current problems, but he was also the solution. Or could be, if she could get him to open up and explain what troubled him so. If not... she did not know what would happen.

_I need to go in there_, she told herself for at least the tenth time, brushing a few strands of hair from her eyes._ I need him as much as he needs me._

Lowering her gaze to the pavement, she sighed and continued on the last hundred meters of her walk. The building's front door let her in without a problem, having no lock; navigating by memory, she took the elevator, got off on his floor and headed down the hallway.

Stopping before the door with Major Katsuragi's name on it, she hesitated, then sighed. Fear tingled about in her stomach, up her spine. _He might not want to see me. I have to try, though._ Lifting her head, she knocked quietly on the door and waited.

And waited.

Frowning, she knocked again, more loudly. Again, nobody answered.

_Shinji?_ she wondered. He had not been in school, neither he nor Sohryu, and since he was not at NERV, she had assumed him to be at home. _Where else could he be? There are few other places he ever goes._

Abruptly an idea occurred to her, and she tried the door. It opened.

Peeking just her head into the apartment, she glanced about and frowned. The place was sunny, almost cheery, and clean as well; the only thing she could see out of place was the wrapper to some instant meal sitting on the counter. Despite Shinji's and Sohryu's shoes near the door, the apartment was silent as one empty of people.

Feeling vaguely guilty at entering in such a fashion, Rei slipped inside, closing the door silently behind her. Moving slowly, she made certain Shinji wasn't perhaps in the kitchen or living room, then advanced down the short hallway towards his room.

Again she knocked quietly. "Shinji?"

Some manner of muffled sound came from within, followed by his voice. "Rei?"

Uncertainly she opened the door. He was lying on the bed, apparently having lifted only his head to answer her. "Shinji, I'd like to talk to you."

He blinked at her, then tore his gaze away. "Yeah," he answered quietly, sitting up. "Come in."

Rei nodded, stepping inside and closing the door. "How... how are you?" she began softly. "I wanted so badly to talk to you after the battle."

Shinji shrugged without expression, staring at her feet. "I'm pretty messed up, Rei," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know what to do."

"Let me help," she urged, stepping to stand before him. "Let me do what I can."

He closed his eyes, face screwing up in apparent pain. "Why?" he asked after a moment. "Why do you still want to help me after what I did?"

"You're everything," she explained. "I'm still angry, but I don't... care for you any less. I know why you did it." Chewing a lip, she reached out, resting hands on his shoulders.

With a grimace he twisted away, scooted back on the bed until he was against the wall. "Rei, don't... just don't," he breathed. Blue eyes rose to regard her, deeply troubled.

She shifted to gaze at her hands, then let them fall to her sides. "I'm sorry," she whispered. _What can I do?_

He sighed, planting his face in his own hands. "Don't worry about it."

She nodded faintly. "Is there... will you ever be able to talk to me? I want to touch you. I want you to come back to me."

Shinji shivered. "I... don't know, Rei," he managed hoarsely. "It's just... the way you are, trying to help and everything, is like something a... something my... I can never forget about it."

Her heart sank. "I'm sorry," she repeated, the phrase tumbling woodenly from her lips.

"Don't be," he whispered, staring again at the floor. "It's nothing you've done. It's just... I don't know."

_What he likes about me_, she realized, _now brings him pain. He'll be happier without me here._ "I'll just... I'll let you think, then," she offered, closing her eyes.

"That's fine," he sighed quietly. "I'm sorry, Rei."

Lacking the energy to respond, she nodded, shuffled to the door and tugged it open. Pausing there, she turned back, studying him one last time, but he was still only staring glumly at the floor. With a sigh she stepped out into the hallway.

When she reached the apartment door, it opened before her hand touched it. Major Katsuragi made as if to step inside, then jerked in surprise on seeing her there. "Rei?" she wondered.

"Major Katsuragi," she greeted, keeping her face down. "I... I'm sorry." Slipping past the confused woman, she made for the elevator as fast as her weary legs would carry her.

* * *

Misato frowned after Rei as the girl disappeared around a corner, then shifted her attention to the interior of the apartment. Shrugging, she stepped inside, idly kicking her shoes off. "Shinji?" she called. "Asuka? I'm home." Nobody answered her, of course; the kids between them had more problems than she could count. She'd hoped that telling them to stay home from school for the day would let them relax somewhat, but in retrospect it had likely just made their wounds fester. 

Absently tossing her beret aside, she wandered down the hallway and knocked on Shinji's door. "Hey, are you in there?"

"Misato," he groaned from within. "I'm... yeah."

Concerned, she slid the door open, then studied him. The boy was seated on his bed, head in his hands, the very picture of a man trying to contain a riotous stomach. "You okay?" she wondered carefully.

Shinji swayed with a silent chuckle. "Not at all."

"What is it?" she pressed, closing the door and sprawling comfortably on the floor. "I just saw Rei leave; she looked like someone just... I don't know. What's going on between you two? Is it the Commander?"

"A little," he shrugged, his voice subdued. "But mostly it's... Misato, it's... it's really fucked up."

She grinned encouragingly, giving his knee a backhanded slap. "I'm an expert on fucked-up relationships," she boasted. "Tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help."

He lifted his head slightly to gaze at her with haunted eyes. "Do you really want to know?" he whispered. "It's not pretty."

She nodded. "Try me. Sometimes it helps just to get it out, and I won't tell anyone."

"I know you won't," he sighed, dropping his head back to his hands. "Fine. Rei is... man, I can barely say it out loud."

Misato eyed him in concern, waiting. _She's what? A robot? A lesbian?_

"She's... a clone," he explained finally, the words seeming dragged out of him. "One my father made. A clone of... of my mother. With... I guess you could say Angelic highlights."

Her eyebrows climbed higher by the word. "Wow," she murmured after a moment. "That _is _pretty fucked up."

He sighed angrily. "I know," he growled. "I don't need you to..."

"Shinji, I'm sorry," she interrupted. "I... wasn't thinking." Pausing for a moment to think, she shook her head. "What do you want?"

Letting his hands drop, he sat up and regarded her with narrowed eyes. "What do you mean?"

Misato spread her hands. "I mean... well, there's no way to say it more clearly. What do you actually want where she is concerned?"

Shinji's angry expression slowly faded to one of worry. "You know," he murmured, "what I want hasn't changed. At all. And that's what creeps me out so much."

Misato smiled sadly._ I know how that is._ "Look at it this way," she suggested. "You feel that way because she fulfills some need you have. Now, maybe you're one of those people whose needs are just messed up, but they're there all the same. You're only uncomfortable because your head is trying to tell you to need something else."

"Maybe," he shrugged tiredly, leaning back against the wall. "I don't know. I just need to think about it."

"Well, thinking is good," she agreed, climbing to her feet. "As long as that's not all you do. How about you think and make dinner at the same time?"

She'd hoped for a chuckle, but Shinji only nodded wearily. "I'll get it started," he whispered, rolling to the floor and shuffling out into the hall.

_Huh_, mused Misato, staring after him._ I wonder if I actually helped him at all._

* * *

Hikari frowned across the classroom from where she stood at its corner. Students were milling about, chatting as they waited for class to start, but between the shifting bodies she could still see the motionless forms of Shinji and Rei seated in their respective desks. They wore identical blank expressions, each focused on some point perhaps a meter or two in front of their face. "Asuka?" she asked suddenly. 

The German girl stirred vaguely, seated on top of a desk near her. "What?"

"Things have settled down at my place lately," she recalled, still watching the two pilots across the room. "You can start staying with us again if you need to."

"Oh," acknowledged Asuka after a moment. "Actually, Misato's place isn't so bad anymore."

Hikari finally shifted her attention to her friend. "So you patched things up with Shinji? That's good."

Asuka scratched the side of her head uncomfortably. "Yeah, kinda. It's just... stuff lately has sort of... put things in perspective."

She smiled. "I'm happy for you. Maybe we can all start hanging out together again."

The German glanced up to meet her gaze seriously. "Things aren't going well, Hikari," she explained quietly. "Have you heard what happened with Shinji and Rei?"

"Not recently," she admitted. "Though they're not eating together anymore. Did they break up?"

Asuka's eyes went distant. "Sort of. The Commander ordered it, and Rei being Rei, she obeyed. So..." She trailed off, glancing darkly around the room to make certain no one was listening, but everyone else seemed engrossed in their own conversations. "So Shinji... killed him. Stole a gun and shot him to death."

"He... oh my God," breathed Hikari, clapping hands to her mouth. "You're joking."

"Not at all," sighed Asuka, glancing sideways at her roommate. "Then the last battle was... kind of hard on him and me, and the two of them still seem off. I have no idea what's going on between them."

Stunned, Hikari followed her friend's gaze, to where Shinji sat dully in his desk, gazing at nothing. What she had previously seen as a shy kid's cute self-containment now took on the sinister air of a killer's silent brooding. "He really did that? Wasn't that... his own father?"

"Yeah, but the guy was a douchebag," dismissed Asuka. "I don't think anyone really cared. They held Shinji for maybe half a day and then just let him go. Though now Section Two goons are all over the place."

"Well, I care," noted Hikari faintly. "He should care too. I should... I'm going to go talk to him," she decided.

"Good luck," muttered Asuka.

Ignoring her friend, Hikari wandered over to where the other pilot sat and threw herself into the seat in front of him, backwards, arms crossed over the chair's back. "Shinji," she greeted.

He blinked, eyes taking a moment to focus on her. "Oh," he murmured. "Hi, Hikari."

She swallowed. "I... heard what happened," she explained quietly. "Or at least some of it."

Shinji slumped and dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

_As well you should be_, she scolded silently. "Did you... did you really...?"

"Shoot him?" finished Shinji flatly. "Yeah. I just... I just wanted to threaten him, to make him tell Rei it was okay for us to... to... but then we argued, and I got so mad, and it just sort of..." He paused, turning his face away, rubbing at his eyes. "This isn't how I wanted it to be," he whispered hoarsely. "You have to believe me."

"I... do," she allowed after a moment. "Shinji, I'm still your friend, but this... this is serious, and..."

"I know," he growled, slamming his fist down on the desk. She jumped, flinching; Shinji noticed her reaction and sagged again, seemingly near tears. "No, I'm sorry, Hikari. I didn't mean to snap at you. I just... anyway, when this is all over, I figure they'll want to send me to prison then. If so, I'll go."

"Prison," she repeated softly. Warmth stung her eyes. "Oh, Shinji. If... if there's anything I can do, let me know."

He smiled, the bitter expression of a hopeless man listening to others around him dream. "Thank you, Hikari. I'll do that."

She nodded uncomfortably. Standing, she made her way back towards Asuka, but couldn't help glancing over her shoulder. _Weird. He seemed like such a nice, quiet kid._

* * *

"This one's showing no abnormal readings," reported Maya cheerily. "Shall I go ahead and start the transfer?" 

Ritsuko nodded, and the younger woman bent over her console, fingers flying. They sat in the plug lab, surrounded by tanks full of soulless Rei clones; the LCL in them turned normal white light to a vague bloody orange, leaving the room a forbidding, alien air, though Maya seemed not to mind it. _Probably because I'm here_, she decided wryly.

Standing, Ritsuko thrust hands into the pockets of her coat and strolled over to the subject of today's experiment. A dummy plug like the others already in existence, this one was designed to be different. To carry a stronger personality than the originals, hopefully one strong enough to dominate Unit-01 in the case of a breakdown by Shinji. _Another breakdown,_ she amended.

"Transfer in process," announced Maya, scanning the figures on her console. "Looks like... ten minutes until completion."

"Noted." Ritsuko studied the smooth metal plug impassively, though inside she simmered with frustration._ I don't see why this one will work any better than the others. Even the living Rei can't control Unit-01; how would these plugs serve any different?_

It was just like Gendo to order something like this, she reflected. Just like him to build something unnatural for the sole purpose of stepping on the living soul of his dead wife, all supposedly in pursuit of the goal of joining with her again. _Are you so sure she'll be glad to see you?_ wondered Ritsuko with a faint smile. _She did try to kill you not so long ago. And then Shinji did it for her. I told you not to upset a woman like that._

Chuckling to herself, Ritsuko checked the time, then resigned herself to patience. _Why am I even doing this?_ she wondered idly. _I know it's not going to work. Hell, Maya probably knows it's not going to work; she just likes messing with this stuff for fun. We're only here because he wanted it. Just like them,_ she added silently, glancing at the tanks.

An idea surfaced in her mind; she froze. "Maya?"

"Yes?"

"This shouldn't take two people to handle," noted Ritsuko reasonably. "I can see to it, if you want to head home."

The younger woman glanced up from where she sat. "Oh, Doctor, it's no trouble to stay."

Ritsuko waved away the offer. "Don't worry about it. I'm just planning to finish this up before leaving myself."

"Okay." Smiling her thanks, Maya gathered her things and headed out the heavy steel door.

Ritsuko shifted her gaze absently to the tanks all around the room. _Yui, for once I believe we are in agreement._

* * *

Rei slipped through the sparse crowd in the NERV trauma ward without a second glance. One of the benefits of being a doll, it seemed, was the complete trust everyone else placed in her. If she were spotted doing something expected, say, palming two plastic-wrapped packages from storage, then certainly she was doing it under Doctor Akagi's orders. 

Unconfronted, barely even seen, she made her way to the elevator, keeping her gaze focused straight ahead. Doll-like, uninterested. She shared the ascent with two NERV logistical officers who stood behind her, chatting about baseball. She did not glance away from the elevator doors until they opened for her to step off.

The walk back to her building proved similarly uneventful, a quiet passage along warm sunlit streets. Hidden cicadas buzzed at one another throughout.

Once she reached the final safety of her apartment she closed the door carefully behind her, then rummaged around for writing materials. Quickly she managed to find herself a pad of paper and a pen Shinji had once left by accident, a blue thing with rainbows all over it.

Tapping the pen briefly against her lips, she pondered what she wanted to say, how to explain so he would understand. Then, nodding, she began to write.

* * *

Ritsuko brought up a seldom-used menu on one of the few MAGI consoles in the facility. On it, she could access all the environmental controls in the clone tanks. Could and did. 

After keying in the changes she wanted, she paused, glancing up at the unholy tanks all around. The clones stared back at her, of course, grinning, delighted to see another person.

It was strange; after all this time, Ritsuko only now realized how she hated the things, hated them with a cold passion. Hated their vacant smiles, hated how aware they were, how they always tracked any movement in the room. Hated how even soulless spare parts had occupied a greater portion of Gendo's worry than she herself had. _I lost to dolls,_ she sighed._ How pathetic_. Even now, with their destruction at her fingertips, they made her skin crawl.

_But not for much longer,_ she sighed. More times than she had been able to count, Gendo had finished before her, had reached climax while she hovered just at the edge, had lost interest and stopped without spending the extra minute to share his bliss with her. And now he'd gone and done it again, dying before she was able to cripple him with a masterstroke of revenge. _In that case, I'm doing this for me. For everyone._

Without hesitating she tapped the final key, committing her changes. The ambient noise in the room changed slightly as pipes in under the floor, in the ceiling, rerouted the liquids they supplied. A moment later, clouds of inky black appeared in the tanks and grew, a toxic acid pumped in from the tops. The color of the LCL quickly changed from the familiar hue of blood to something ugly.

Gradually the replacements began to dissolve, falling apart at the seams like so many plastic dolls. Even as they were destroyed, they continued to smile, to giggle at her, uncomprehending.

_Loathsome things_. Wearing a smile she felt more on her face than in her heart, she watched as the last few pieces separated into their invisible component materials.

For a moment she gazed thoughtfully at the tanks, now empty and dark. Then she flipped off the room lights and headed for the door.

* * *

Rei wrote sparingly and finished the letter in moments. Carefully she placed it on the dresser, next to the glasses that had once been the Commander's. After a brief pause she set the pen atop it; Shinji could have it back when he found it. 

She'd explained her reasoning as straightforwardly as she could. He had made it clear, if not in so many words, that his heart no longer had a place for her, not if he wanted to remain whole. Rei wanted Shinji to be whole, to be happy. Though this would sadden him for a time, he would eventually recover, and with her replacement he would have the chance to start over if he wanted to. The third would be receptive enough, she knew, if she carried the same soul, if Shinji offered the same heart.

With a blink she realized she was hesitating, trying to delay the only viable option open to her. Smoothing a frown, she turned her back on the dresser and recovered the packages she'd retrieved from NERV earlier. They tore open easily enough, revealing a clean syringe in one and a bottle in the other.

Wandering absently back to the bed, she sat there and read the label on the bottle, more for the sake of curiosity than concern. The chemical claimed to be methohexital, an anesthetic; it was intended to be administered in a one-percent solution, five hundred milligrams of drug in fifty milliliters of diluent. _Prepare mixture before application. Do not administer if patient is pregnant or breast-feeding, or has a history of liver or heart problems._

Without expression Rei stuck the syringe through the cap in the bottle and drew what it would take from the first partition, then the second. She had no diluent, had no need for one.

Watching briefly as the chemicals swirled and mixed in the syringe, turning yellowish, she lay back on the bed and got comfortable. Curiously she examined her left arm, searching for a suitable spot for injection, not entirely certain what she was looking for. _A vein, I suppose._

Eventually she shrugged faintly, chose a spot and slid the syringe into it. She squeezed slowly, the room-temperature liquid feeling icy as it slipped silently into her body.

When the syringe was empty, she extracted it slowly, lips tight, and set it on the floor next to the bed. Then she lay back once more, turning her head to the window. It was sunny out, still; for some reason the sight made her smile. Maybe it was the silly window clings Shinji had chosen so long ago.

_Shinji_. The thought of him, the image of his face, gripped tightly at her heart, or perhaps it was just the drug taking effect. _Shinji, my love. I'm so sorry. I hope you understand._

Swallowing, she closed her eyes, felt the warm sun on her tear-damp face. Then she went to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12: Komm, Süsser Tod

_Wasted thus by death on death  
All our city perisheth.  
Corpses spread infection round;  
None to tend or mourn is found.  
Wailing on the altar stair  
Wives and grandams rend the air.  
Long-drawn moans and piercing cries  
Blent with prayers and litanies.  
Golden child of Zeus, O hear  
Let thine angel face appear!_

- Sophocles, _Oedipus the King_

Chapter Twelve: Komm, Süsser Tod

_You know_, mused Shinji, _maybe Misato was right._ He stood in the kitchen, idly putting dinner together for himself and his roommates, but his attention was not on the task. Instead, as they had been almost constantly since he'd last seen her, his thoughts were on Rei.

_I could have been more civil to her when she was here_, he sighed; the memory of her face when she'd realized he could not bear to have her touch him, a lost expression like he'd just stepped on her most treasured dreams, still twisted his stomach with regret. _I should have told her I just needed time to figure it out. She probably thinks I never want to see her again._

He frowned vaguely at nothing. _It's... it's not her fault, where she came from, and she's been the kindest person in the world to me. I need to talk to her._ Like Misato had said, it was time to admit what he needed, to acknowledge that, although there was probably no more bizarre relationship in Tokyo-3 than his and Rei's, she made him happy. _We'll figure something out,_ he decided, suddenly optimistic. _We'll talk, and... maybe we can date again, or maybe not, but we'll be friends. She'll have some idea, something to say that helps, and... we'll start from there._

"Hey, idiot," greeted a low feminine voice. "You're burning the noodles."

Shinji blinked at Asuka, then down at the meal he was preparing. He'd been making pan-fried noodles, only now they were smoking faintly in the pan. "Oh, shit," he breathed, quickly flipping them, but the damage was done; where the noodles had been sitting on the pan they were clearly charred, a sad mass of tangled blackness. "I'll have to start over," he realized glumly.

"You'd better," agreed Asuka with a frown she turned on him. "What's with you? I don't think I've ever seen you burn anything." Her voice was quiet, her manner subdued, ever since it had been after the last Angel; the attack had stolen something from her, something shrill and girlish.

"It's Rei," he explained delicately, watching the German out of the corners of his eyes as he dumped the doomed noodles into the garbage. "I think I'm... figuring some things out."

He wasn't certain what reaction to expect from Asuka, but she merely crossed arms over her chest and eyed him. "What's going on between you two, anyway? I get the feeling this isn't a normal breakup."

He grimaced, rummaging around for more noodles. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

She remained silent for a moment, unmoving. "Why can't you tell me?" she whispered eventually.

Shinji hesitated, then turned to face her; she was staring back at him, blue eyes wide, almost hurt. He chewed a lip, puzzled. Since trying to talk to him the night after the Fifteenth Angel, she'd been more open with him, almost... clingy. As though, after they'd both suffered through the mind violation, they were part of some unique, special club, one that made him a trusted person in her mind. He was not certain how this had happened, but was vaguely relieved, if confused, that she wasn't snapping at him all the time. "You... you really want to know?" he wondered.

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Why would I have asked if I didn't?"

He sighed. "Fine. After I shot... him, I found out she was a clone. Of my mother. With some extra DNA from some Angel underneath NERV." Speaking the facts aloud seemed to come easier this time.

Her eyes widened further. "Wow," she murmured, staring through him. "That's just... wow."

"Yeah," he agreed, returning his attention to the meal, bringing water to a boil again for the second set of noodles. "That's why we... haven't been together."

"Wow," she said again, a few moments later, still standing there. Shaking herself, she examined him closely, a strange expression on her face. "So what are you going to do? Go back to her?"

He shrugged. "I'm going to talk to her," he explained. "And maybe... start over, I guess. See what happens this time." Not even a flicker of disgust touched his stomach this time; he felt calm. Resolved. _She cares for me,_ he realized, _probably loves me, and I love her. What's wrong with that?_

Asuka grunted. "If worst comes to worst... well, how many people can say they fucked an Angel?"

Shinji gaped at her, but she only blinked back at him. After a moment he chuckled, then laughed. _When was the last time I laughed?_ he wondered absently. "Yeah. That's a good point."

"Of course it is," she shrugged, "but I'm hungry. Keep cooking, and try not to burn down the apartment this time, Einstein." Turning, she wandered back into the living room, probably to watch television.

Shaking his head, Shinji did as she asked. In little time, he'd produced a finished meal and dished servings up for himself and Asuka. Though they both ate at the table, she seemed preoccupied, frowning and scowling at her food from time to time.

After several minutes of this he nodded at her. "What is it?"

She blinked, staring at him; perhaps she'd forgotten he was there. "What?"

"Oh." He pushed his food aimlessly around. "You seem preoccupied."

Asuka frowned at him a moment longer, then smiled halfheartedly. "I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Stuff." She paused. "Fighting."

Shinji murmured a vague acknowledgement, smiling ruefully to himself._ I guess I'm supposed to open up to her, but not the other way around. It's better than before, though._ "Well, don't worry about it too much. You'll just drag yourself down more."

"You know," she mumbled around a mouthful of noodles, "coming from you, rather than Misato, that actually carries some weight."

"Good." He did not press further or elaborate, and shortly he finished eating. A few moments let him clean his dishes, and then he was tugging on his shoes near the door. "I'm going to try to talk to Rei," he announced. "I'll be back sometime tonight."

"Shinji."

"Hmm?" Straightening, he hovered at the door, glancing back at her.

Asuka was leaning back in her chair, frowning absently at the wall across from where she sat. After a moment she gave her head a tiny shake. "Don't... don't be out too late," she urged quietly.

He opened his mouth to make a crack about her sounding like Misato, but quickly thought better of it. "I won't be," he promised. _Besides, Misato wouldn't care how late I was out anyway._

Slipping quietly out the door, he began the walk to Rei's place. Warm evening sunlight angled into his eyes, but he ignored it as best he could. _I hope she's not mad at me_, he realized halfway there, growing suddenly worried. _Maybe I should have called first._

As he approached within sight of the apartment, he hesitated, then forced himself onward. _Even if she is mad at me, I deserve it._ Trying not to think about it, he pushed through the doors and headed for the stairway.

In moments he knocked on her door. "Rei?" he called softly, though why he felt the need to be quiet in an otherwise-empty building, he could not say. "Can I come in?"

She didn't answer. He sighed. "Rei, I'm sorry about yesterday. I was still kind of... getting used to it, and I've had some time to think, and... I don't know. I still think it's all a little weird, but it doesn't really bother me so much, so I thought we'd... you know, talk, maybe start over or something. I... I want to be friends again, at least. For the rest, we'll... we'll have to see."

Still nothing. Shinji rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. "I know you're probably angry at me," he continued sadly, "and I deserve it. Just let me have a chance to make up for being a jerk earlier."

As the silence dragged his hopes further down, a sudden thought occurred to him; it was not like Rei to give him the could shoulder. _She has no pride. She never wants to hurt anyone, not even Asuka. _"Rei, are you even home?" He made a face, feeling silly at pouring his heart into an empty apartment. _She could be at NERV for something._

"Rei?" _Great_. Carefully he opened the door, pushing it slowly inward and ducking his head inside.

He found her right away, lying on the bed, face turned away from the door. _Oh_, he sighed in relief. _She just fell asl... _He trailed off as a few out-of-place details caught his attention.

A small trickle of dark blood on the inside of her arm.

An empty syringe on the floor, next to the bed.

A little sheet of paper on the dresser.

_Oh, fuck_. Scrambling inside, stumbling numbly in his haste, he bolted to her side, sliding the last meter on his knees. Desperately he gripped her arms, shook her gently, but she was already cold to the touch, her skin more pale than usual. _No_. With shaking fingers he felt her wrist, her neck, searching for a pulse and finding none; her chest lay still as well, neither rising nor falling with breath. _No. Rei._ Reaching out a hand to cup her cheek, her turned her head carefully towards him to see a sad smile on her lips, the faintest residue of tears on her cheeks.

_No_. Releasing her as though burned, he stared wide-eyed at her face, feeling his breath come as rapid panting. _No, she can't be... maybe... maybe the note... maybe there's something... _Unable to think straight, he climbed dizzily to his feet and shuffled to the dresser, keeping his eyes on Rei until he had to tear them away.

The sheet of paper was indeed a note, written briefly and concisely in Rei's plain, angular hand, which he belatedly realized he'd never seen before. Blinking to clear his vision, he read.

_Shinji,_

_I believe this is the best way forward. They will bring in a replacement  
who has little to no knowledge of what has transpired between us. If  
you need to, you can keep your distance from her, but if you feel you  
are able, you can approach her as you did me. She will not refuse you.  
This is our chance to start fresh. I hope you understand._

_All my love,_

_Rei_

It took him three times reading through it for the words to sink in. _Start fresh?_ he wondered wildly. _How can this... she... it doesn't make any sense._

Lifting the note gently, he held it to his heart, only now noticing she'd used his own rainbow pen to write it. _Rei. Please. No._

Turning back, he gazed down on her face, and the reality began to sink in. She was dead. Gone forever.

His legs gave out, depositing him ungracefully on his knees. Tears blurred his vision, flowed freely down his face, as he buried his face against her chest. "No," he groaned weakly, rocking back and forth. "No, don't be gone. I'll... I'll be better. Please don't go. Please... I can..." His whispers faded into sobbing, great choking gasps that seemed torn out of his body by some external force, hysterical, broken. The fingers of his free hand curled into her school uniform, clutching at warmth that was now forever denied him.

Eventually part of his mind snapped to other thoughts and he dug out his cell phone, fumbling, dropping it twice. Somehow he managed to push one of the buttons and hold it until a number began to dial.

Soon a woman's voice answered. "Shinji?"

"M-Misato?" he gasped. Even to his ears, his voice, between sobs, sounded far too high, the hopeless voice of a lost child.

"Shinji, what is it? What's wrong?"

* * *

Ritsuko stood some distance away from Misato and Shinji, watching uncertainly as they wept in one another's arms in the command center. She'd dispatched an ambulance for Rei -- not that there was anything to be done -- while Makoto had likely broken dozens of traffic laws to bring Shinji to NERV in under five minutes. 

"It... it doesn't make sense," whimpered Shinji for at least the fourth time. Sniffling, he withdrew an arm from around Misato to wipe at his face, then examined the suicide note Rei had left. "What was she talking about? I don't... I don't get how she could be so certain that there'd be another pilot so soon. That it would be a girl. And even so, why...?"

"I don't know," murmured Misato. "Shinji, I'm so sorry."

Ritsuko stared at the pair. _I think I made a mistake_, she decided.

"Look," sniffled Misato, pushing him out to arm's length. "Let's go home, Shinji. There's no point in being here right now. It's time for me to leave anyway."

He sighed, then nodded. Some of the light seemed to vanish from his eyes. "Yeah."

"Shinji." Ritsuko surprised herself by speaking. _He's a good kid. I didn't mean to mess him up in this._ "I'd like a word with you."

He turned a blank gaze on her and nodded again. "What is it?" he whispered.

"Out here," she explained, striding towards the door. As it opened, she waited for him to shuffle along and past her, then stepped out into the hallway with him.

"Shinji," she began, "Rei wasn't talking about another pilot who would replace her. She was talking about another Rei." He blinked, but said nothing, so she continued. "She... was a clone. One of many. The rest, we kept as... spares, to be used in situations like this. Only the spares are gone now, as of... maybe an hour and a half ago. I destroyed them," she finished plainly.

He blinked back at her, eyes glazed, likely barely hearing her, let alone understanding. His fingers tightened on the tear-stained note.

Ritsuko frowned. "I probably would have been able to transfer her personality to a new body, had I had one. I killed Rei as much as she herself did, Shinji."

He dropped his gaze to the floor. "It doesn't matter," he answered, a flat whisper. "She's still dead."

_True_, mused Ritsuko after a moment. "I'll let Major Katsuragi take you home," she murmured, turning back to open the door. Quickly she gave a nod to Misato, then wandered back into the command center as the other woman strode past her in the other direction.

Once the door had closed behind the grieving pair, Makoto shifted in his seat. "This is going to be rough," he sighed. "Isn't it, Doctor?"

She stopped in front of the window, staring down at the silent Unit-00 in the cages, now never to be used again. "It always is."

* * *

As the red sun set outside, Asuka lay sprawled in the living room, idly re-reading a manga she'd picked up as a kid. It was a ninja tale, somewhat formulaic, but it served well enough to pass the time. Sipping absently from a can of Misato's soda, she flipped the page and continued reading. 

Abruptly the apartment door opened. She blinked, glancing up._ It's a little early for Shinji to be..._ Her thoughts dead-ended there as she saw Misato with him, both of them looking haggard and grim. Shinji's eyes were somehow... dead.

"Is something wrong?" wondered Asuka nervously, rising to her feet. "What's going on?"

Shinji met her gaze hollowly, wide blue eyes empty, and opened his mouth. After a moment, however, he closed it, sunk his face into his open hands and wandered aimlessly towards his room.

Misato gazed after him in frustrated sympathy, then sighed. "Rei," she explained softly. "She killed herself."

Asuka felt her jaw drop. _Oh my God._ She stared briefly at Misato, then hurried down the hallway after Shinji.

She found him in his room with the door still open, flopped onto his back on the bed, arms spread. Hesitating only briefly, she stepped inside, closing the door quietly. "Shinji, I'm so sorry."

He exhaled heavily, closing his eyes. "Yeah."

As she stepped slowly towards him, a sudden memory struck her, sending black waves of guilt and horror through her middle. "I... I wasn't very nice to her the last time we spoke," she admitted.

"Yeah," he repeated in a whisper. "Neither was I."

She watched him for a moment, waiting for more, sighing when he didn't continue. "I can't even imagine how this must suck for you," she began, seating herself on the floor next to him, leaning sideways against the bed. "But, if you want, you can tell me about it."

Shinji lifted a hand slightly from the bed, straining as though it were made of lead, then let it fall again. "You know," he murmured, "I think I just want to... sleep, now."

Something in his voice raised alarms in her head. "And wake up, too," she prompted. "Right?"

He shrugged.

Frowning, Asuka studied him, clearing her throat. "Shinji... please don't... do anything rash," she pleaded quietly. "Okay?"

A bitter smile played across his lips. "Don't worry, Asuka," he chided faintly, his voice empty. "I'm not going to try to follow her. I'm too cowardly for that," he added, whispering.

_Damn it, Shinji,_ she sighed. "You know..." She trailed off, wondering how to phrase things best. "Shinji, I'm... I've been a..." Grimacing, she started over. "Look, you're not a bad person. You're not weak, or a wimp. And I may lead you to think otherwise sometimes, but I'm glad you're here."

"I killed her," sighed Shinji brokenly, as though he had not heard her speak."I made her die."

Asuka stared absently along the length of the bed, towards the wall. "Don't say that," she urged softly. "There was no way you could have known what she was going to do. It's not like you told her you hated her, right?"

"I killed her," he repeated, tears audible in his voice.

Closing her eyes, she leaned into the bed, uncertain how to help him, if she could at all. Eventually she climbed to her knees. "Get some sleep," she advised in a low voice, sliding a hand into his and gripping tightly. "When you wake up, if you need to find me, you know where I'll be."

Shinji's fingers tightened over her own, though she was uncertain if that was due to choice or reflex on his part. After a moment he shifted without opening his eyes. "Glasses," he whispered.

She hesitated, frowning. "What?"

Slowly extracting his fingers from her own, he reached into the chest pocket of his uniform shirt and withdrew a pair of familiar-looking glasses. "I took these from her dresser," he explained faintly, every word an obvious triumph of will. "There was just the note, my pen... and these. I'd seen them there before, but they're from _him_."

"From the Commander?" she wondered, brows furrowing.

His face tightened, confirming her guess. After a moment he pulled himself upright, muscles clenched as though the weight of his own slight body was too much to bear. His eyes slid open to regard the cracked glasses in his hands, his features an icy mask. "They're from him," he repeated; fingers tightened on the frames, trembling slightly.

"Shinji..." Asuka chewed a lip. "They're broken; I don't think he was wearing them. You got them from her apartment, so... they're hers, not his."

"They're his," he growled, emotion returning to his voice in the form of savage anger. "They have his name on the inside. They're just like the ones he always wore. They're his, and she kept them on her dresser the entire time I knew her." His lips curled back in a silent snarl and he lifted the glasses in a shaking fist.

"Shinji, wait," she pleaded, resting a hand on his arm. "Don't do anything you might... regret, later."

Seemingly possessed of some new and sudden energy, he brushed her hand aside and flowed to his feet. "I hate him," he growled. "I hate him so much." Striding towards his own dresser, he raised the hand that held the glasses.

"Wait!" Leaping to her feat, she darted to catch his descending arm, then gritted her teeth as she struggled to hold it in place. _Damn. He's stronger than he looks._

Shinji's strained face occupied the better part of her vision. "Asuka," he rasped, "don't... just let me..." Abruptly he twisted, grunting, attempting to shoulder her out of the way.

She refused to let him win, instead clenching his arm in as tight a grip as she could manage. A moment of awkward grappling followed as he tried to twist away; she shuffled in a tight circle, following him around. Somehow she succeeded in sliding her hands up to his own, then began to pry at his clenching fingers. He countered by trying to switch the glasses to his other hand, but she let go with one of her own to slap it away. The jerky movement, however, sent the frames tumbling from his grasp.

Shinji lunged, trying to catch them, but his arms were still too tangled with hers to move as he wished. Stumbling on her foot, he tripped, dragging Asuka down onto his back. Something plastic crackled as he landed face-first, unable to catch himself.

He screamed then, the sound quickly turning into a sick moan as he convulsed in pain. "My eyes," he whimpered. "My eyes. Asuka..."_  
_

* * *

No one turned around as Misato strode into the command room; the mood of everyone present, the hunched shoulders and worried expressions, told her everything she needed to know about how the sync test was going. Which was hardly surprising, she reflected. "Status," she asked of no one in particular. 

"Well," murmured Ritsuko, sipping from a mug of coffee, "Asuka's hovering at thirty-nine percent. Shinji is struggling to stay above twenty-six."

"Ah," acknowledged Misato after a brief pause. Frowning, she strolled up to stand next to the doctor. "If they had to fight now," she asked quietly, controlling the sick grief stirring inside, "how would they do?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "Barring another berserker incident, we're screwed."

"Lovely." Misato rubbed her forehead, grimacing.

When the other woman did not reply, Misato raised her head, gazing at the screen displaying video feed of the pilots. Just the two of them, now; someone, probably Maya, had removed the feed from Rei's test plug, rather than let it stay there on the screen, empty. Shinji wore a bandage over his eyes now, though an angry red cut angled for a centimeter out from under it, down his left cheek. With his head hanging, lips parted, he looked as though someone had just punched him out. Asuka, at least, looked better, frowning in concentration, her face free of the anger that had dominated it throughout recent memory, though now a tight worry had replaced it.

_We're counting on you now_,_ Asuka_, realized Misato. _Unless you can think of a way to bring Rei back to life. Or Shinji, for that matter. Oh, Shinji, I'm so sorry.  
_

Abruptly a loud warning buzzer sounded, shattering her thoughts; the main view split, one half showing the pilots, the other a wire model of the topology of the Tokai region, overlaid with a half-dozen blinking telltales. "Blue pattern detected!" shouted Shigeru as the other techs hammered away at their consoles. Shortly a dot glowed into place in the middle of Tokyo-3. "An Angel!"

Misato raised an eyebrow at the screen. "Wonderful."

* * *

Shinji moved mechanically through the Unit-01's startup procedure, speaking the commands in a bored, uninflected tone. The darkness that now defined his world shifted and twisted, replaced by a glowing rainbow band, then a black space full of stars, before settling back to the inky oblivion of his new condition. The images, the colors, were false, just static in his neural link, but treasured all the same. It was the only way he could see now. 

"Hey, Shinji," called Asuka's voice over the network. "How you doing in there?"

"I'm fine, Asuka," he answered absently, going over the status of his Eva. Though he could not see the synchronization rate, he could tell just by the latency of his commands that it was low.

"You don't fool me," she scolded. "But cheer up. Just remind yourself that we're the best two pilots they have, right?" He could hear the grin in her voice until a click announced her departure from the channel.

He shook his head, too tired to sigh. She seemed to think she was responsible for the accident with the glasses, and had taken to helping him around, even babying him at times, cooking for him and everything. Though he appreciated the help, he knew the fault was entirely his own. His eyes were just one more thing he'd ruined without trying. _I break everything I touch._

Soon Misato's clear voice rang out over the network. "Okay, listen, you two. We're sending both of you up at the same time. Asuka, you'll move to the intercept point, while Shinji will hang out as backup for now. Don't engage the Angel until we know more about it."

Shinji mumbled his acknowledgement while Asuka chirped hers. A blip announced a map appearing on one of his screens, probably showing the Oowakudani Valley, where the Angel was supposed to be hovering, but it remained useless information to him. Though Ritsuko had rigged something up to convert some of the Eva's visual feed into tactile stimuli, she could do nothing about the images over the network.

"Okay, ready?" wondered Misato. "Launch!"

* * *

Peering around the side of a building, Asuka watched the Angel just floating in place, a bizarre flexing loop of glowing energy. _These things just get weirder and weirder._

Pallet rifle in hand, she stepped carefully out in the street, moving as though the monstrous Eva could stealth through the city. The Angel pulsed and shifted some more, hovering perhaps four hundred meters away. _This is close enough_, she decided, glancing sideways to where Shinji waited, though blocks' worth of buildings obscured him. _Any closer and it'll probably..._

At the movement of her head the Angel struck, instantly uncoiling into a tube, darting forward faster than a snake. Asuka had time only to raise an arm in defense before it reached her; the thing smashed into her forearm, shattering crimson armor plating and sending waves of jagged pain up through her shoulder.

_Shit!_ "It attacked me!" she shouted, drawing the pallet rifle around to fire a volley. The slugs clanked off the eel-like body of the Angel, doing no harm that she could tell. _Figures_. "Pallet rifle can't hurt it!"

Ignoring Misato's answering shout, she dropped the rifle and drew her progressive knife. At the same time she willed her AT field into place, pushing out from the core of her being to drive the Angel away, but to no apparent effect. "Trying the AT field!" she reported curtly. "It's not helping much, but I'm continuing to develop."_ It's too strong._

Briefly she wrestled with the thing, but it had a vise-like grip on her arm. _No,_ she realized, frowning, _it's... connected to me. To the Eva._ Drawing her lips back, she slashed forward with the knife, scraping along the Angel's body with a harsh sound like steel on ceramic.

"Asuka!" shouted Misato. "It's merging with Unit-02! Probably trying to control it. Get out of there!"

"Are you kidding me?" yelled Asuka back, hacking again at the writhing energy creature. "There's no way! It's too fast."

_Damn knife isn't helping either_. Again ignoring her commanding officer, she dropped the blade to the street and grabbed the Angel with her other hand, hoping simply to squeeze it apart. Warm liquid rasped into her throat with every breath, and the LCL carried her own grunts clearly back to her ears as she struggled.

Soon something caught her attention and she froze, ignoring the Angel long enough to stare at something inside the entry plug. To stare at her own arms, which were beginning to develop dark vein-like discolorations spreading weblike from where the Angel was touching her Eva.

* * *

"Asuka! What are you doing? Get out!" Misato's impatient voice snapped over the network. 

_She can't_, realized Shinji, listening intently to the character of his roommate's voice. He recognized the strain there, the genuine worry; she was not convinced she'd be able to win. _It's part of her, now. Or will be in a few moments._

"Just tried the manual eject," grated Asuka's panting voice. "It's not working. Disabled."

_It's going to kill her_. Horror tickled Shinji's heart, the feeling a distant one. _No. Not her too._ "I'm engaging!" he reported, jogging towards where the buzzing in his nerves pointed, to where the Angel was supposed to be. He could feel it now, due to Ritsuko's changes, feel where the Angel was, how close it was.

"Don't be stupid, Shinji!" snapped Misato. "Stay away until we figure out how to get Asuka out of there!"

"You won't," he answered flatly. His sync rate was abysmal, he noticed as he ran; every movement the Eva made, it did as though half-asleep and drunk besides. Buildings thundered into him on occasion, sending him staggering sideways until he could recover. _I can't do much like this, but I can distract it. Maybe Asuka can finish it off if it's fighting me._

"Shinji, get back!" urged Misato, her voice now fearful. "Please!"

He opened his mouth to reply in the negative, but the Angel struck first, the tactile interface giving him only a blink of warning. Something hard punched into his face and neck in quick succession, sending sparks of light swirling aimlessly in his useless vision. Metal cracked and groaned under the force of the blows, but he grimaced against the pain, raising his own pallet rifle. _Maybe this'll get its attention, even if it won't hurt much._

Before he could pull the trigger, the Angel somehow slapped the weapon contemptuously from his hands. He stumbled, briefly considering his progressive knife before remembering all the luck Asuka had with it, but again the Angel took the choice from him. Something snapped into him, coiling around his neck and starting to squeeze.

* * *

Asuka sat in a dark hospital room, cross-legged on the floor, only vaguely aware of the desperate struggle her Eva was waging against an unnamed enemy. "What the hell is this?" she wondered. 

In front of her, hanging from a rope from the ceiling, a doll in a red dress lifted its head to gaze sightlessly at her. _Asuka. Let us merge._

"What are you?" she demanded, scowling at it. "You're the Angel, aren't you? Fuck off."

_It is too late anyway,_ shrugged the doll, the motion almost comical with its wide, jointless arms._ I will give you part of me, an emotion you know. It is pain, you see?_

She swallowed, squeezing her eyes shut against a black mortification that threatened to paralyze her, to smother her will. Her clothes had disappeared somewhere, leaving only her sweaty skin against the cold tiles of the hospital floor. "Pain?" she whispered. "No. That's humiliation, you halfwit."

_Humiliation?_ The doll's voice seemed somehow hesitant._ I don't understand._

Forcing her eyes back open, she glared at the hateful little thing. "Humiliation is when you and everyone else realize how much you suck, how much of a child you really are. Humiliation is being defeated every time you try at anything."

_That is what is in you_, accused the doll._ Humiliation. Sadness._

"I'm sad because I'm going to die," she admitted, watching distantly as her Eva's struggles grew slower, weaker. Watched as Shinji fought the thing too, her poor blind friend, fighting and losing. "But I'm sadder that Shinji is going to die."

_Death_, mused the doll, tilting its head to study her with beady black eyes. _You know fear now._

"No, that's not fear," she corrected, willing her body to drift up from the seat in the plug, directing it to reach for an emergency switch in the wall, one with warnings etched all over it. "At least, not for me. I'm afraid for Shinji, because when I kill you, he's going to be hurt badly."

_Kill?_ wondered the doll slowly, as though testing an unfamiliar word. _You cannot._

"Yeah," she snorted. "Watch. See that thing? It's the self-destruct mechanism. I'm taking you down with me, you motherfucker."

Grinning, she activated the switch, waiting for the Angel's smug reply, but one never came. Mildly disappointed, she pushed away the image of the hospital, instead using her Eva's eyes to scan her surroundings.

There was nothing connected to her arms anymore, only a faintly-glowing residue and a slick of dark Eva blood. The Angel streaked away like a rubber band cut under tension, ducking behind Shinji's struggling Eva, anchoring itself into his body somehow.

Her entry plug began to vibrate and bubble. Asuka frowned at the fled Angel, then at her the self-destruct mechanism, which could not be disactivated. _Shit_.

* * *

Searing heat flared through Shinji, worse than any he'd felt before, and the entire world rumbled as he floated through a soft, velvety fog. Then the ground struck him again like a cannonball to the back, driving the sense from his mind. Gasping, twitching, unable to breathe, he flailed weakly. 

Eventually his spasming muscled quieted and he moaned, half-sobbing, pressing hands against his bandaged face. _Asuka. She really did that. Why did she...? Why? Was it because I was fighting too?  
_

With great effort, he managed to push his Eva into a sitting position. Even without the gift of sight, he could tell that most of his armored plates, those that had not totally ablated, had fused and melted, and the chunks of Unit-01's body exposed to the air were now charred and cracked. Only static crackled through the communication network.

_Did we do it?_ he wondered numbly, glancing around, seeing nothing. _Did we kill the Angel?_ He coughed, half-sobbing, as he waited for something to happen.

The radio static suddenly shifted, whining, before settling into a more normal character. "...ternate channel confirmed," announced a male voice. Shigeru's voice.

"Good," gasped Misato in relief. "Shinji!"

"Misato," he answered, still dazed. "What's--"

"Shinji, the Angel is right on you! It's merging with your Eva!"

"What?" he gaped, glancing around again, but he could see nothing, feel nothing. Twisting, he reached behind his back, thinking perhaps to find...

Something hammered into the back of his skull like a sledgehammer, again and again, driving his Eva into the melted ground. Sickening pain made him retch in the LCL, clutching his head to calm an unnatural ring that annihilated thought. An uneasy crackling sound spoke to cracks forming in the shell of his world.

Screaming wordlessly, he lunged against the Eva's controls. It wasn't going to work, he knew; Unit-01 could barely stand, he couldn't see, and with the damage he would be crippled even with his normal sync rate, but he directed all of his fury against the unseen Angel nevertheless. _Die! _he snarled, gripping a writhing part of the thing's body and squeezing. _Die! I want you to die!_

"Shinji!" called Misato's panicked voice. "It's trying to get to your--" The voice fell silent as though cut by a knife; the Angel had reached his communications center.

_Die! Die!_ Tears burned his useless eyes as he fought his slippery enemy, but there was no way to beat it; he could tell without checking that it had already disabled his self-destruct switch, and the only weapons at his disposal were Unit-01's bare hands, which just let the Angel merge with him all the faster.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this,_ he wept as an eerie tingling arose in his spine, slowly spreading outward. _Rei, dead. Asuka, dead. We... we were supposed to fight the Angels and win. We'd be heroes. Rei and I would marry, and Asuka would be in the wedding, and Touji would be there with both of his legs... _He trailed off, feeling the Eva's struggles grow slower still; the Angel slipped easily from his numb fingers. _Please_, he begged the giant machine. _Help me fight this thing! Please help me kill it! I know you can; you've helped me before! I don't want to die here, not like this! You have to fight! Please, please, please..._

Suddenly the sensory feeds to his nerves went blank and the controls slumped in his hands. His brief spark of hope turned to puzzlement when seconds slid past without anything happening. The tingling in his back had spread throughout his whole body, buzzing, itchy._ Hello?_

Something chunked somewhere in the Eva and a sinister hum arose, making the entry plug vibrate. The tingling disappeared in a blink; Unit-01 rose to its feet against his will, stood there for a moment, then began walking towards NERV...

...and then he was on a train platform, the day his father had left him years ago, only this time he wasn't a child. He could see again; the sun was shining, and his father was there, staring at him from a pace away, scowling. Shinji snarled back.

"Adam," said his father flatly. Turning, he strode off towards the stairs, never once looking back.

Shinji glared at the retreating figure, but there was nothing to be done now; he was gone. Sighing, he turned and shuffled back to the wall of the platform shelter, sliding down it to sit on the ground. _This sucks._

Soft footsteps approached, stopping a short distance in front of him. He glanced up, squinting against the sunlight, but could not make out the newcomer's face. He knew her, though, knew her as well as he knew himself, a feminine presence who warmed him, who loved him.

_Shinji_, she greeted. He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Hey," he offered, shuffling aside to give her room to sit next to him. "I was... hoping I'd see you again."

She seated herself delicately beside him, wrapping a friendly arm around his shoulders._ I know._

He shook his head, swallowing. "I... I guess I really fucked some things up," he admitted quietly. "Didn't I?"

_No one knows how hard it was for you better than me_, she assured, squeezing him briefly against her. _You did as well as you could. No one can blame you for not doing better. We had a good run, didn't we?_

"Yeah," he chuckled, though tears burned his eyes. "Yeah, I'll miss that."

_So will I._

He fell silent for a moment, resting his head on her shoulder. "I wish I'd had a chance to apologize," he murmured. "I was... unkind, and..."

_Hush,_ she chided, squeezing his shoulder again, resting a cheek on his head. _There is no longer a need._

"I guess you're right," he whispered. "I still feel terrible, though."

_I know_. Gentle fingers caressed his arm soothingly. _I know. People make mistakes._

He nodded faintly, not speaking, simply letting her touch him again. A breeze rustled along the platform, tugging his hair as he sat with her. "Why did you have to go away? I missed you."

_I thought it was the best way_, she sighed regretfully. _I thought it was going to be best for everyone. If I had known how everything would turn out, though, I would have stayed with you._

"Will you stay with me now?" he asked, hating how small his voice sounded, knowing it didn't matter to her. "Until the end?" Distantly he was aware of Unit-01 leaping down the shaft towards Terminal Dogma, fully controlled by the Angel who sought Adam with the unrelenting focus of a bullet thirsting for its target.

_That's why I came here_. she assured, wrapping both arms around him now. _I wouldn't miss it for the world._

"Good," he sighed. "Thank you." Settling himself comfortably into her, he placed a hand on her arm and stared off at the nearby trees, watched leaves rustle aimlessly. Her grip tightened affectionately around him.

Some time later, the sunlight flared silently, growing too bright to bear. Shinji closed his eyes, but even through his eyelids a cold white light filtered into his mind, reaching into him, drawing out everything he carried with him, everything that made him who he was.

Then, darkness.

* * *

_  
Author's notes: Okay, that's done. Some parts were damn hard to write, but probably not the ones you'd expect. I still don't think the last chapter is quite right but I'm tired of rewriting it. Maybe I'll update it later.  
_

_I feel compelled to explain a bit about why I wrote this. I was actually torn at which pairing to do, but I started wondering why the Shinji/Rei fics so often either ignore the problem of their relation, or explain it away. It seemed strange to me. Why run from the creepiness? Why not embrace it? Rei becomes a much less meaningful character if you take the Yui out of her. I thought about that, and it dawned on me that the idea would be rather like Oedipus, which I'd actually recently seen, and everything started clicking into place. So I cranked up the incest dial, and this is what came out. I hope I haven't managed to paint myself as a cruel bastard in the process.  
_

_Anyway, I can't thank people enough for reading and reviewing, positive and critical posts alike. Some of your comments made me giggle like a schoolgirl. I owe you all an adult beverage some time or other.  
_


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